Bullies to Buddies® Rule #4: Don't Defend Yourself

 

This is the lesson that is the most fun for me to write. I will show how to handle insults and criticisms in ways that make the other side feel heard and will mellow their views. And occasionally you may elicit a laugh.

 

From whom do we defend ourselves - friends or enemies? When we defend ourselves, we're actively treating the other as an enemy. So we can't expect them to treat us like a friend, can we?

 

As nobody likes to be criticized, nicely or otherwise, defending ourselves becomes an easy trap to fall into. It happens to me even though I teach this rule so often. The most natural thing for us to do when we're criticized, insulted, or blamed is to immediately defend ourselves. Our intention is to win. But we automatically lose because the defensive position is the weaker one. It's uncomfortable to have to defend ourselves. So we put the other person in the stronger position, and they keep attacking to get us to defend ourselves.

 

Of course I'll defend myself if you're truly out to hurt me. And I'll defend myself if I'm on trial in a court of law. Otherwise I'll come out being a big loser. But most of life is not a court hearing. Few discussions and arguments have any real life consequences. We tend to passionately debate current events or issues of race and religion as though the fate of the world rested on the outcome. The truth, though, is that our debates usually make absolutely no real difference to anyone.

 

We tend to think of the defensive person as the good one and the attacker as the bad one. But there are two sides to aggression. One is attacking; the other defending. If you're giving me what you believe is valid criticism, and I start defending myself, trying to prove you're wrong, I'm not being nice to you; I'm being hostile.

 

Friend or Foe?

 

 

Now, for anti-Semitism. When Jews hear their religion or people being criticized or blamed, it's almost certain they'll start defending themselves. But rarely do these defensive efforts result in the other side changing their mind or increasing their respect for us. In fact, it's impossible to gain respect by being defensive. Why? Because it's the weaker, losing position. And since we're treating them like enemies, they don't care to understand us.

 

So now I'll give you some typical examples of Jewish defensive behavior. Then I will show how they can respond more effectively. The guiding principle will be to treat others like friends, and if they have something critical to say about Jews, they must have a good reason. Even if they're wrong, it doesn't make them my enemies. Instead of defending myself when they make what I feel to be outrageous accusations, I'll get them to defend themselves by asking - sincerely and without anger - why they believe that. I'll make an effort to understand what they're trying to tell me, and in the process, I may be able to enlighten them a bit. And maybe I'll learn something, too, even though I might not find it pleasant.

 

Foe to Friend

 

 

Stereotype #1 Jews killed Jesus.

 

The Doomed Defense

Anti-Semite: The Jews killed Jesus! You all deserve to burn in Hell for that!

Jew: We did not kill Jesus! The Romans did!

Anti-Semite: But you turned him in to the Romans and demanded to have him killed!

Jew: No we didn't! That's a big lie spread by Christians to justify persecuting us!

Anti-Semite: It is true. You just can't take it. You Jews will burn in hell forever for killing the Savior.

Jew: We didn't kill him! And he wasn't the Savior!

Anti-Semite: Yes he was! And you killed him!

 

Round and round we go, leading nowhere, endlessly arguing, feeding the hate. Let's try it again:

 

A Better Response

Anti-Semite: The Jews killed Jesus! You all deserve to burn in Hell for that!

Jew: You know, we may have had something to do with it.

Anti-Semite: You sure did! Jesus would've brought peace on Earth, but you Jews got him crucified.

Jew: Do you think I personally should burn in Hell?

Anti-Semite: Yes.

Jew: Even though Jesus died almost two thousand years before I was born?

Anti-Semite: Yeah! You've a stain on your souls forever because of your ancestors. Only the fires of Hell can purify you.

Jew: Do you think Jesus would want me personally to burn in Hell for what happened to him?

Anti-Semite: Why not?

Jew: Last year I saw the movie, The Passion of the Christ. Before Jesus dies, I remember him saying something like, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they're doing."

Anti-Semite: That sounds right.

Jew: Do you really think that a Jesus who loves everyone and died for our sins would want people to burn in Hell for sins committed by their ancestors thousands of years ago?

Anti-Semite: Well, maybe not. But I'm not Jesus, and it doesn't mean I have to forgive you.

Jew: You don't have to if you don't want to. I know it must be very upsetting to think that my ancestors killed your Savior.

Anti-Semite: It sure is.

Jew: I understand. And I hope I'll never be in a position where I cause the death of an innocent person.

Anti-Semite: I'm glad to see you learned something.

Jew: And thanks for your concern about our souls.

Anti-Semite: You're welcome.

 

Stereotype #2 Jews love money and are cheap:

 

 

The Doomed Defense

Anti-Semite: All you Jews care about is money!

Jew: That's not true!

Anti-Semite: Yes it is. You Jews are such cheapskates. Your greatest pleasure is counting your money.

Jew: That's a horrible stereotype! You're nothing but an anti-Semite!

Anti-Semite: It's not a stereotype. You Jews came to this country to rob the rest of us!

Jew: That's a dirty lie! We came here to escape persecution from people just like you in other countries!

Anti-Semite: Yeah? You ran away to save your hides after people got sick of you cheating them!

Jew: Where do you get your information? That's nonsense!

Anti-Semite: No it's not! You know it's the truth and don't try to deny it!

 

Again, nothing but endless hostility. 

 

A Better Response

Anti-Semite: All you Jews care about is money!

Jew: You think money's the only thing we care about?

Anti-Semite: Well, duh!

Jew: The truth is most of us do care a lot about money, but we care about other things, too.

Anti-Semite: Sure. Like cheating people.

Jew: Some Jews do cheat people. It's a source of great shame to the rest of us.

Anti-Semite: It should be.

Jew: And it is.

Anti-Semite: And you're all so cheap.

Jew: I have to say, we do like a bargain. How about you?

Anti-Semite: Yeah! But I don't spend my life trying to find the lowest prices on everything.

Jew: By the way, do you know why God created Gentiles?

Anti-Semite: No. Why?

Jew: Someone has to pay full price!

Anti-Semite: Ha! That's a good one. You know, for a Jew, you're not so bad.

Jew: Thanks. And for an anti-Semite, you're not so bad, either!

 

This time we may end up being friends.

 

Stereotype #3: Jews control Hollywood and all Western media

 

 

The Doomed Defense

Anti-Semite: Hollywood's run by Jews.

Jew: No it isn't!

Anti-Semite: It is too! You brainwash the whole country with your liberal views that destroy family values.

Jew: That's not true! We don't control Hollywood. And we're not destroying the family!

Anti-Semite: If Jews don't control Hollywood, what about all those big names? Goldwyn, Mayer, Warner Brothers, the Marx Brothers, Steven Spielberg, Barbra Streisand.

Jew: So there are some Jews in Hollywood. It doesn't mean Jews control it. There're lots of non-Jews in important positions. And the Jewish ones don't conspire together to push Jewish agendas.

Anti-Semite: Of course they do! Jews always stick together, and they have a program to push their left-wing ideas on everybody else.

 

Endless arguing. Now we'll treat the Anti-Semite as a friend:

 

A Better Response

Anti-Semite: The Jews control Hollywood.

Jew: It is amazing how many Jews work there.

Anti-Semite: Yeah, just about everyone is Jewish.

Jews: Maybe not all of them, but Jews certainly do occupy a high percentage of positions there. Did you know Jews were instrumental in creating the entertainment industry right from Hollywood's early days?

Anti-Semite: Jews practically invented it!

Jews: That's true. There're even a lot of Hollywood stars you'd never dream were Jewish because they changed their names.

Anti-Semite: Like who?

Jew: Kirk Douglas, Douglas Fairbanks.

Anti-Semite: You're kidding! They're Jewish?

Jew: Yep!

Anti-Semite: Wow! So there's a Jewish conspiracy in Hollywood to deceive the world!

Jew: You think there's a Jewish conspiracy?

Anti-Semite: Of course! Why do you think they changed their names? To fool the rest of us.

Jew: As far as I know, they did it to protect themselves. I think the movie producers were afraid the Gentile world wouldn't watch movies if they knew the stars were Jewish.

Anti-Semite: Is that true?

Jew: I'm quite sure that's the reason.

Anti-Semite: Well, I think it's because of a Jewish conspiracy to control the world.

Jew: I'm a Jew, and personally, I've never been invited to be part of such a conspiracy.

Anti-Semite: Well, maybe you're not important enough.

Jew: Could be, but I don't think that's the reason.

 

Although the Anti-Semite may not be having a major change in attitude, the interchange is a friendly conversation rather than an angry argument. The anti-Semite is letting himself hear some other explanations for Jewish behavior rather than the purely negative ones he's been harboring.

 

Stereotype #4: Jews control the economy.

(I'll keep it brief this time.)

 

 

The Doomed Defense

Anti-Semite: Jews control the U.S. economy.

Jew: No they don't!

Anti-Semite: Of course they do! Look at the names in finance. They're all Jewish!

Jew: No they're not. Some of them are, but not all of them!

Anti-Semite: Oh, there're a few token Gentiles, but everyone knows all the money's controlled by Jews.

Jew: That's a dirty stereotype!

 

A Better Response

Anti-Semite: Jews control the U.S. economy.

Jew: It's amazing how much economic power we Jews have in this country.

Anti-Semite: Yeah! You've taken over, and that's why you're all so rich.

Jew: Well, I'm not rich. But the truth is that no country in the history of the world has been as good to the Jews as the United States of America.

Anti-Semite: Yes, we have been good to the Jews.

Jew: Yes, you have.

 

Much better, isn't it? We're friends now.

 

Stereotype #5: Jews have big noses

 

 

The Doomed Defense

Anti-Semite: Why do Jews have such big noses?

Jew: We do not!

Anti-Semite: What're you talking about? Everyone knows they do! You could park a car under a Jewish nose.

Jew: Stop making fun of Jews! Our noses are no bigger than anyone else's!

Anti-Semite: Who're you kidding? You can spot a Jewish nose a mile away.

Jew: I've had enough! You're violating my rights! I'm going to report you for hate crimes!

Anti-Semite: Go right ahead, crybaby!

 

Not a very good way to make friends. Let's try it again:

 

A Better Response

Anti-Semite: How come Jews have such big noses?

Jew: You mean you don't know?

Anti-Semite: No. Why?

Jew: Because air is free!

Anti-Semite: Ha! That's a good one!

Jew: Thanks.

 

This will defuse the situation. He'll respect me for not taking myself and my group so seriously. Humor is the best icebreaker. Hope you got the message.