Articles by Izzy
Bullying – The Constitutional Solution
Camp is usually the best time of year for the child. Even kids who feel homesick the first week of camp are crying about having to leave this little bit of heaven when the season is over.
Unfortunately, for a small percentage of kids – those who become victims of teasing and bullying by their peers - camp is literally a nightmare. Kids who are picked on at school can at least experience daily relief when they come home. Campers who are victimized suffer 24/7.
As schools throughout the country are adopting anti-bully policies, camps are eagerly joining the crusade. Unfortunately, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Few people imagine that there can be anything wrong with anti-bully policies and programs. After all, what can be more noble and worthwhile than protecting virtuous victims from evil bullies? The truth, as many school teachers and counselors have been discovering, is that their anti-bully programs are making them miserable while leading to an increase in the frequency and intensity of bullying incidents. And if you are considering adopting an anti-bully policy for your camp, you should be forewarned.
By the way, do you have two or more children of your own? If so, there is a very good chance that they bully each other every day, perhaps even all day long. And haven’t you noticed that all your efforts to stop them from bothering each other are useless. If you can’t stop your own two kids from bullying each other, can you really expect one counselor to make ten or fifteen kids to stop doing it?
Why attempts to stop bullying often don’t work
This is how anti-bullying policies can actually intensify hostilities while turning camp into a law enforcement agency. It is important to keep in mind that bullying includes any action that can make another person feel bad, and anti-bullying regulations require staff to address any incident in which one child complains of being bothered by another. Thus, counselors are required to perform an investigation into every incident between kids (and in most cases no one is even hurt). The counselor is the surrogate parent for the campers, and campers want to feel their counselor is on their side. No one likes to be blamed by the counselor, so the accused bullies are likely to defend themselves and blame their victims. If the counselor can’t make peace, then the matter gets referred up to the head counselor or camp director, so the stakes become even greater for the campers and the hostilities intensify. If the camp turns to the parents for involvement, each one is likely to take their own child’s side against the other child. Before long, two sets of parents are fighting each other. Parents often blame staff for doing nothing to stop the bullying, and staff often defend themselves by blaming the parents for raising aggressive kids. The distraught head counselors and camp directors then find themselves in the rotten situation of playing judge not only between kids but between angry parents.
The following is generally what happens when adults try to make kids stop fighting. Let’s say you are my campmate and you hit me. I tell the counselor and you get punished for being a bully. Does that make you like me? No! Does it make you like the counselor? Of course not! It makes you hate both of us. You want to get even. So you will look for the next opportunity to hit me again, and you’ll want to do it even harder than before. Or you’ll try to get me in trouble with the counselor. Meanwhile, the counselor thinks h/she’s making us stop fighting. H/she doesn’t realize that by trying to make us stop fighting, h/she’s actually making us continue fighting.
Who can stop your child from being bullied?
If victims need to depend on staff to stop them from being bullied, they will probably be bullied all summer long. But if counselors can’t stop kids from being bullied, who can?
There is only one person in the world that can make a child stop being victimized. That person is the child him/herself! You may think it’s impossible for a child to do this, but it is actually effortless when the child learns how. The solution has been around for ages. It was put in our Constitution, in the Bill of Rights, thanks to the wisdom of our Founding Fathers, for everyone to use and enjoy. The solution is called Freedom of Speech, and I will soon explain how it works.
Why do kids become victims?
Kids believe they get bullied because of their differences or imperfections: they are fat or thin, tall or short; they are gay or look gay; they are lousy at sports; they have freckles or are physically handicapped; they are in Special Education; their race or religion is different from most other kids. But this is not the real reason. There are kids who are fat, skinny, tall, short, etc., who don’t get bullied. On the other hand, there are many kids who are smart, good looking, talented, etc., and they get picked on relentlessly.
So why does it happen to some kids and not to others who are just like them? There is only one reason anyone gets picked on over and over again, and it is always the same reason. It happens because of a simple mistake that anyone can make, and once you do, the torment can go on forever.
What is the mistake? Getting upset when you are bullied. No one continues to get bullied if the bullying doesn’t bother them. No matter what your imperfections or differences are, people will not continue to harass you for long if it doesn’t upset you when they try.
How can you teach your child to stop being teased?
“Easier said than done,” you may be thinking. How do you teach kids to stop being upset when they are picked on? There are many ways, and they all involve teaching the practice of Freedom of Speech. Perhaps the most effective is what I call “The Verbal Bullying Experiment.” It goes like this.
Tell the child, “We are going to play a game. Your job is to call me an idiot (or any other insult), and my job is to make you stop. If I can stop you, I win and you lose.” When the insults begin, get angry and yell at the child to stop. You will discover that the child keeps on insulting you while laughing gleefully. After a while, say, “I give up.” Then ask, “So if you want to insult me, can I make you stop?” The child will say “No.”
Then tell the child you are going to play the same game again. This time, do absolutely nothing to stop the insults. Say things like, “If you want to insult me, it is perfectly okay,” and “You can insult me all day long if you like.” The child will probably stop in a matter of seconds.
Say to the child, “You thought I couldn’t stop you, and look how easily and quickly I made you stop!” Explain that when you were getting angry and trying to make the insults stop, you were actually making the insults continue. And the second time, when you were letting the child insult you, you were actually making the insults stop! It was much harder for the child to insult you when you allowed the insults to continue. You will have demonstrated the power of Freedom of Speech. The child will probably be eager to try this with his/her fellow campers, and the verbal attacks should end in a few days.
The following is another wonderful tactic for teaching Freedom of Speech. Whenever a camper come complaining to you that their campmates called them an idiot (or some other insult), ask “Do you believe it?” The camper will say “No.” Then say, “Good! I don’t either.” And you will see that the matter is over. Do this consistently, and before long you should discover that your campers have stopped getting upset by insults.
How about physical attacks?
How do you teach campers to stop being upset by physical attacks? Most acts of hitting or pushing do not cause any injury or pain. But kids learn that we think it is terrible when they hit or push each other, and that we conduct investigations and punish the wrongdoer. They can get us to punish their opponent and they don’t even have to be hurt! Stop doing this. Instead, when a camper says to you, “He/she hit me!” ask, “Are you hurt?” Children don’t expect this question, and they always answer honestly. If there is no pain, the camper will answer “No.” Then say, “Good!” You will discover that the camper stands there confused for a couple of seconds, then goes right back to playing with their campmates. Your campers will have realized that if they are not hurt, there is nothing to get upset about!
The rule should be that campers are not allowed to hurt each other. If a camper is hurt, then the attacker should be disciplined. But if no one is hurt, why do you need to do anything? You will be saving yourself endless headaches by taking this approach, and the campers will become more resilient as they stop being upset by things that don’t even hurt.
