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Insulting Stereotypes
It’s easy to upset people with insulting stereotypes about their race, religion, gender or sexual orientation. Today, these insults are considered especially offensive. It’s easier for you to get others in trouble if they make fun of your group than if they make personal insults about you. (But don’t do it.)
The belief that insulting the group you belong to is worse than personal insults leaves you vulnerable to attack. If kids discover they can’t upset you by calling you idiot or ugly but they can get you angry by insulting your group, then that’s what they will do.
If people would be blind to group differences, every group would be treated the same and there would be no group stereotypes. However, it is impossible to overlook our differences. We are biologically programmed to notice them. Do you think you could look at a group of tourists from another continent and not notice they are different from you? Not likely. People from other groups will notice your group differences as well and will form stereotypes. What should you do when people insult you with stereotypes about your group?
Unfortunately, many fights break out because people are sensitive about their group and treat those who insult them as enemies. But the truth is that handling insults about your group is no different from handling insults about your body or intelligence. If you make the mistake of getting mad about the group insults, people will continue insulting you and will lose respect for you and your group. If you don’t get angry, they will stop insulting you. And you will gain respect for yourself and your group.
There is nothing especially terrible about people noticing your group differences and making remarks about them, as long as they don’t commit any crimes against members of your group. Unfortunately, people have a tendency to paint other groups as being worse in some way and create negative stereotypes about them. Spreading negative stereotypes encourages hatred and can lead to bloody conflicts.
If you are concerned about negative stereotypes that others have of your group, the best way to stop the stereotyping is by letting them get to know you as an individual. Then they will see that all groups are basically the same despite the superficial differences. If you stay angry with others because they stereotype you, you treat them like enemies and turn them away from you. They’ll only get to see you as a hostile member of a bizarre group. Therefore you have to treat them like friends even when they are being insensitive.
Use the rules for turning bullies into buddies and this won’t be hard to do. Strange as it may seem, you should give people freedom of speech even for negative stereotypes. If you believe that people do have a right to stereotype you, then you’ll have no reason to be angry with them when they do it, so the stereotypes will have no power over you. Treat the stereotypes as the words of your best friend. Show gratitude for the valuable information they are bringing. Of course, you don’t have to accept what they are saying as true, only that they are intending to help you.
I’ll show you how it works. Let’s say my ancestors came from an imaginary country called Gerbalia. We Gerbalians have green skin and big noses. Most adult Gerbalians have high paying jobs and many people think we are stingy. Now a White kid is making fun of me. First, the wrong way to handle it.
White kid: Hey, Izzy, how come Gerbalians are green? I bet you’re all covered with snot!
Green kid (me): That’s disgusting! You apologize!
White kid: Okay. I’m sorry you’re covered with snot!
Green kid: Hey! That’s no apology! I mean it! You better stop making fun of Gerbalians!
White kid: I’ll make fun of Gerbalians all I want. And you all have such big noses!
Green kid: No we don’t! My nose is only a little bit big, and some Gerbalians have noses even smaller than yours!
White kid: Not on this planet! And you Gerbalians are so cheap. You only buy things on sale.
Green kid: That is a dirty lie. You better shut your mouth already, you racist!
White kid: Yeah? How are you going to make me? By getting your rich relatives to sue me?
Green kid: Not all Gerbalians are rich!
White kid: You can’t fool me. You Gerbalians are always cheating the rest of us and stuffing your bank accounts!
Green kid: We don’t cheat people! Shut up already! I’m reporting you to the principal, you big fat bigot!
My efforts are only leading me to Losersville. Am I making the White kid stop with the insults? No. Respect me? No. Like me? No. Get rid of his stereotypes about Gerbalians? No. Am I treating him like a friend or an enemy? An enemy, of course. I am getting angry with him, defending my group, threatening and attacking him. All these things will make him remain my enemy.
Now I will show how to treat him as a good friend and use humor to make him like me.
White kid: Hey, Izzy, how come Gerbalians are green? I bet you’re all covered with snot!
Green kid: You’re right! Let’s shake hands!
White kid: Ugh! And you Gerbalians have such big noses.
Green kid: Do you want to know why our noses are so big?
White kid: Yes.
Green kid: Because air is free!
White kid: Ha! And why are Gerbalians so cheap? You only buy on sale.
Green kid: You know why God created White people?
White kid: No.
Green kid: Because someone has to pay full price.
White kid: Ha! Tell me, how come you Gerbalians have so much money?
Green kid: Because we value education and try to get important jobs that pay well.
White kid: So education is the secret?
Green kid: Yes. If you get a good education, maybe my uncle will hire you.
White kid: You know, for a Greenie, you’re all right!
Green kid: Thanks. For a Whitey, you’re not so bad yourself.
The results were much better this time. I didn’t work any harder than the other time. In fact, it was much easier. I was completely relaxed and my blood pressure didn’t go up. I simply used the rules for treating people like friends. I told myself that everything he says, no matter how nasty, is because he cares about me. I didn’t defend myself or the Gerbalians. I didn’t attack him or fear him. My jokes about my own green Gerbalian group made him laugh, and then he could let me joke about White people without getting mad at me. I quickly got him to like me and respect me. And he realized that maybe Gerbalians aren’t so horrible after all.
