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Parents as Bullies
Do your parents boss you around? Do they yell at you, blame you and punish you if you don’t act like a robot completely under their control? Are you dreaming of the day when you can leave the house and live on your own? You are not alone. Many children in families feel this way.
You may believe it’s impossible to get your parents to treat you differently. But if you follow these instructions, and don’t expect your parents to give you absolutely everything you want, your parents will do much more for you than they are doing now, and you will all be happier.
It may seem to you that your parents want you to be perfect. But what your parents really want from you is respect. It is more important to them than anything else. Even if you are as perfect as a kid can be, they will not be happy with you if you don’t show them respect. On the other hand, if you have many faults and don’t always do what your parents ask of you, they will still like you and treat you well as long as you show them respect.
You may be asking yourself, “Why should I give my parents respect if they are making me miserable — yelling and screaming and going nuts on me all the time.” The reason? Show them respect and they will stop yelling and bossing you around. Once you start treating them with respect, they will show you respect in return.
Another reason? They deserve your respect. Even though they may seem like your worst enemies, they love you more than anyone else in the world. They do more for you, too. Yet who do you take for granted more than anyone in the world? Probably your parents. You know you can disobey them and they will still give you food, clothing and everything else you need.
If you were to speak to your friends the way you speak to your parents, you probably wouldn’t have many friends. If you yelled at your teachers the way you yell at your parents, do you think you’d be able to remain in class very long? You’d be spending lots of time in the principal’s office instead. And if you disrespected the principal the way you disrespect your parents, you’d probably be sent to a psychiatrist!
It may seem to you that your parents are trying to boss you around. But do you do more for your parents or do they do more for you? They cook and clean and shop and do your laundry and drive you around and go to work so they can make enough money to pay for all the things you need. The truth is, you are their boss. They are working for you! If they are mad at you, it is only because they feel you are treating them unfairly. They slave for you, but whenever they make a request of you, you give them attitude. Can you blame them for being mad?
Because your parents love you so much, you can scream at them, insult them and disobey them, and they will still feed you, clothe you, give you a room to sleep in and provide you with whatever else you need. They act like your servants, so it is very easy to disrespect them.
If your parents are making you miserable, it’s because you both are in the trap of getting mad at each other. Anger, as you have learned by now, makes the other person keep on being mean. If you want your parents to stop being mean to you, show them they can’t get you mad no matter what they do.
If you find it hard to treat your parents with respect, just think about how you treat your teachers. They make you work hours a day in school, and then you go home and do more work for them. Yet you don’t scream, curse or insult them. You treat them respectfully. If you can be respectful to your teachers, you can be respectful to your parents, who love you and serve you so much more.
How do you show respect to parents? Treat them like your employer. The amazing thing is that if you treat your parents as though they are your boss, they will actually boss you around less! Most often, what your parents want you to do takes practically no time, and you end up doing it anyway. For instance, they ask you to take out the garbage. It takes a couple of minutes. Instead of doing it after they yell at you 10 times, do it the first time they ask. It takes the same couple of minutes, but you save your parents the need to yell at you and you save yourself a headache. You show your parents respect, as well.
They ask you to clean your room. Instead of making their blood pressure hit the ceiling for a week till you get around to doing it, do it right away. It takes the same amount of energy as doing it later, but your parents will be so proud of you. And they deserve to have you clean it. You may call it “your” room, but did you buy it? No. Your parents did. It’s really their room, and they are nice enough to let you use it. If they want you to keep it clean in exchange for free rent, it’s an awfully good deal. So do it. It’s worth it.
Do you talk to your parents rudely? With the same amount of effort, you can speak politely and prevent a needless argument over the way you talk.
If they punish you, don’t argue and don’t get mad. Just take your punishment like a mature person, as though you deserve it, even though you feel you don’t. You will find they reduce punishment very quickly when you accept it. Let me show you how it works. First, the wrong way:
Parent: Go to your room! You hit your brother!
Child: No I didn’t!
Parent: Don’t argue with me! You are always hitting your brother!
Child: You are so unfair! He’s not even hurt!
Parent: Stop talking back to me or your punishment will be doubled!
Child: You are so mean! You are always taking his side!
Parent: Shut your mouth and go to your room already!
This approach can only lead to bigger trouble. Now here is a better way to handle it.
Parent: Go to your room! You hit your brother!
Child (In a polite, concerned voice): You think I hit my brother?
Parent: Yes.
Child: Is he hurt?
Parent: I don’t think so.
Child: Good. Would you like me to go to my room?
Parent: Yes.
(Child quietly goes to room.)
If you handle it this way, I bet your parent will quickly give you permission to leave your room.
Even if your parents forbid you from doing what you want, tell yourself they act this way because they love and care about you. Show that you respect them and they will give you more freedom. Let’s say you want them to let you go to a movie late at night. First, the wrong way to handle it:
Child: I’d like to go to the movies at ten o’clock tonight with my friends.
Parent: You can’t go so late.
Child: Why not?!
Parent: Because I said so! It’s too late for someone your age.
Child: But all my friends are going!
Parent: That’s not my business. I said you can’t go and that’s it!
Child: You’re so mean! You treat me like a baby!
Parent: I’m not mean! And stop arguing with me!
Here’s the better way to handle it:
Child: I’d like to go to the movies at ten o’clock tonight with my friends.
Parent: You can’t go so late.
Child: Are you worried about me?
Parent: Yes. I think ten o’clock is too late for someone your age to go to the movies with friends.
Child: I really appreciate your concern for me, but I think you can trust me to stay out of trouble.
Parent: Yes, you have been acting kind of mature lately. Let me think about it.
There’s no guarantee you’ll get everything you want from your parents by behaving respectfully, but I guarantee you’ll get much more than you will by being angry and rude. When you yell and argue, you sound like a baby, which proves to your parents you can’t be trusted. But when you treat them with respect, they see you are mature. And you will be amazed how much freedom and responsibility they will be willing to give you.
