Lesson 1 - KNOW WHY YOU ARE TEASED

“I’ve told them a million times I can’t stand being teased! So why do they keep on doing it to me?”

 

You probably don't really know why you are teased! You may think you know, but you don't really know. If you knew the real reason you are teased, you wouldn't be a teasing victim! The simple truth is that there is really only one reason that teasing victims are picked on over and over again, and it's always the same reason. And the most important step to making the teasing stop is to understand why you are being teased. When you truly understand the reason, it becomes a snap to follow the next steps.

 

 

Why are kids teased?

 

Sam wears glasses and gets called four-eyes all day long.
He believes he is being called four-eyes because he wears glasses.

 

But Sam is wrong.

Maybe he wears glasses, but that's not the reason he gets teased.

Mary gets taunted by kids who yell, "Your mother's a fat pig!"
She thinks they insult her because her mother's overweight.

But Mary is wrong.

Sure, her mother may be overweight, but that's not the reason kids taunt her.

 

Billy gets pushed every day when he's in line in school. He doesn't know why the kids do it to him.

The only explanation he can think of is that they hate him.

But Billy is wrong.

 

Maybe some kids hate him, but that's not why they push him.

Josh gets called gay by his classmates. He likes girls and he doesn't know why they do this to him.

 

Josh believes they do it because he likes art and stays away from sports.

But Josh is wrong.

 

He may be artistic and un-athletic, but that's not why they tease him.

 

Jennifer's friends bring her rumors of other kids calling her stupid behind her back. Jennifer does great in school and gets 90's and 100's on all her tests.

Jennifer believes the rumors are spread because other kids are really jealous of her.

 
But Jennifer is wrong.

The other kids might be jealous of her intelligence, but that's not why they are spreading rumors about her.

 

There is really only one reason that these kids are being picked on, but none of them can see it. It's also the reason you are being picked on, and you can't see it, either. It has nothing with your looks or personality, or your mother's looks or personality, even though it seems that way to you. You see, there are plenty of fat kids in the world who don't get teased. There are plenty of ugly kids who don't get teased. There are plenty of smart kids who who don't get teased. There are plenty of dumb kids who don't get teased. There are plenty of un-athletic kids who don't get teased. There are plenty of kids just like you and they don't get teased.

 

So why you and not them?

 

Because you are making a simple mistake that every single teasing victim makes, and that mistake is ruining your life!

 

What mistake are you making? Let's see what happens in your everyday life. Bullies come along and make fun of you. You get mad or upset, and then you take some action to try to make them stop. Maybe you tell them to shut up. Maybe you try to call them names back and make fun of them. Maybe you punch them in the face (and get into lots of trouble). Maybe you threaten that you'll get your big brother to beat them up after school. Maybe you tell the teacher or school principal on them. Maybe you tell your parents. Maybe you try to ignore them, until it gets too bad and then you are forced to do something.

 

What you see happening is that the kids are making fun of you, and you are trying to make them stop. You see this happening over and over again every day, day after day: they keep making fun of you, and you keep trying to make them stop. And nothing works. No matter how hard you try, the teasing continues.

 

So why do the kids keep bothering you? They know very well that you don't like it, and that the teachers and parents don't like it, so why do they keep on doing it?!! Why don't they just leave you alone and let everyone be happy?

 

Get ready for this! The real reason you are being teased is because you are getting upset!

 

This probably doesn't make any sense to you. After all, first the kids tease you, and then you get upset. You aren't making them tease you, you are only making them stop.

 

But you are making them tease you. You just can't see it, because it's an optical illusion, and all teasing victims are fooled by the same optical illusion.

 

It is very easy to be fooled by this illusion. We're used to thinking that the first thing makes the second thing happen. For instance, imagine that I punch you in the face and then you get a black eye. Then I tell you that your black eye made me punch you. You would say that I'm crazy. And you would be right! First I punched you, and then you got the black eye. I made you have a black eye; your black eye did not make me punch you.

But here I am telling you that getting upset by the teasing made you get teased! Isn't that also crazy? The teasing happened first; you got upset second. You didn't cause the teasing. You are only trying to stop it!

 

But it's not crazy. Keep reading and you'll see how it works.

 

When kids call you names and you get mad, how do they feel? Do they feel bad for what they did? They sure don't! If they felt bad about teasing you, they wouldn't do it! When they tease you and you get mad, they love it! They feel great! They can't get enough of it! You are the one who feels lousy, not them. And the angrier youbecome, the more fun they have. Whatever you try to do to stop them only makes them feel better. They're thinking inside, "Ha, ha, go ahead and try to stop me. You can't do it no matter how hard you try!" Even if you try to hide your feelings, chances are they can tell by the look on your face that you are upset, and this makes them feel good.

 

You see, they are not calling you fatso because you are fat, or four-eyes because you wear glasses. They really couldn't care less about how you look! They are not reporters who are being paid to constantly bring you the news that you are ugly or stupid or have a mom who's fat. All they really care about is having fun. We all like to have fun, and one great way to have fun is to try to drive someone else crazy.

 

Your tormentors have discovered that they can tease you and drive you nuts. They especially look for your weak spots, the things about you that you really feel bad about and don't want anyone noticing or mentioning. These things that you are most sensitive to usually have some truth to them. For instance, it bothers you that you are overweight, and the kids discover you can't stand it when they call you fatso. Or you're upset about having to wear glasses, and they discover that it really hurts you when they call you four-eyes. Or you are tremendously embarrassed that your mother is overweight, and they discover you go totally bonkers when they say your mother is fat.

 

But it really doesn't matter if the things they say are true or not. All that matters is if it bothers you. If you are beautiful and you get mad when they call you ugly, they will keep calling you ugly. If you are thin and you get upset when they call you fatso, they will keep calling you fatso. Whatever succeeds in upsetting you is exactly what they are going to do again. The only thing that matters to them about you is that you give them pleasure when you get mad. And it goes on and on, day after day after day, year after year, like a train going endlessly around a track. The kids tease you, you get mad, and they have fun. They tease you, you get mad, and they have fun.

 

The anger that you feel when you are teased is like the bread crumbs that Billy feeds to the pigeons. You are throwing your bullies gifts of anger, and you think your anger is going to make them leave you alone. But your anger is exactly what the bullies are looking for! That's why they keep coming back to you! You make them so happy when you get angry!

 

Yes, believe it or not, you have been rewarding the bullies for making fun of you! Think of it this way: If your parents are going to pay you to watch television, aren't you going to watch a lot of television? Of course you would! And bullies are just the same. You are giving them so much fun in return for tormenting you. Of course they are going to do it as much as possible!

Lesson 2 - CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE

“One more remark about my hair and you’ll be eating it for dessert! ”

 

 

It may have come as a bit of a shock to you to discover that you were actually encouraging your bullies to continue making fun of you. Please don't feel bad about this. What has been happening to you is really not your fault. You had no way of knowing what was really going on. And the truth is that the same thing goes on in any relationship where people are constantly driving each other crazy. Whether its parents and children, husbands and wives, or brothers and sisters who are always fighting with each other, they are always making the same mistake. They don't realize that by getting mad, they are pushing the other person to do the very thing that they can't stand. So don't blame yourself. It's not your fault.

Anyway, I would not have risked making you feel bad if I did not also know how to make you feel much, much better. You will feel much better once you use the secret to stopping your teasers.

Lesson Two is the secret, simple method to making the teasing stop. All it takes is a change of attitude. What I mean is that you only have to change the way you think about the teasing. Everything else will automatically follow after you correct your attitude.

Until now, your attitude has been, "Oh, no! They're making fun of me! I have to make them stop!" But this is the wrong attitude. This attitude is what has caused the problem to exist in the first place. The only reason you have been getting teased is that you were hurt by the teasing and thought you have to make it stop. From now on --and you only have to do it for one week to see if it works -- your new attitude will be, "If they want to tease me, it's perfectly OK. They can do it all day long and it doesn't bother me in the least."

You are to do absolutely nothing to make your tormentors stop teasing you. Do not tell them to stop. Do not call them names back. Do not tell the teacher on them. Do not tell your parents or their parents.

Do not even be angry at them! "Not even be angry?" you may be thinking. "Why shouldn't I be angry when they call me names?"

The reason you shouldn't be angry is because it's a lousy feeling to be angry, and it will make your tormentors feel good. Also, since your new attitude is that it's perfectly all right for them to tease you, why in the world should you be mad at them for doing it?

It's not necessary to act like you're made of stone. If your teasers put their face right in front of yours and say, "What's the matter, don't you hear me?" it's all right to answer," Yes, of course I hear you!" If you feel like you should be saying more to them, it's all right, as long as you are giving them permission to insult you and you're not getting mad at them. Here are some examples: "If you want to call me names, that's OK"; or, "If you enjoy making fun of me, you can do it all day long." This will stop them very quickly. Just make sure to say it without any anger at all. And you must really mean it when you say it.

So you are now to let them tease you all they want. This doesn't mean that you will be a loser. Just the opposite: it will make you the winner. If they call you names and you don't care, who is going to look stupid, you or them? They are going to look stupid, that's who. And who is going to feel stupid, you or them? They are going to feel stupid, too. A person who is calling out nasty names to someone who doesn't give a darn looks pretty dumb. And the worse the words are, the dumber he looks. So let them tease away all they want, and don't feel upset in the least because now you are going to be the winner, and you are going to make them look like idiots without even trying.

How about if they insult your mother? Should you do anything about that? How can you not defend your mother's honor?

Even if they insult your mother, or your grandmother, or anybody else important to you, let them do it! You have nothing to worry about. If I say to you in front of a bunch of people, "Your mother is a pig and sleeps in the mud," is anyone going to believe me? Of course not. If I insult your mother and you don't say anything, are people around us going to think there is something wrong with you, or that there's something wrong with me? Obviously, they'll think there's something wrong with me. If you start defending your mother against these stupid insults, you will look stupid. If you don't do anything, then I will look stupid. Therefore, even if they insult your mother, it's perfectly OK. When your teasers see that nothing they can say bothers you, they will stop trying.

How about if what they are saying is true? Should you do anything then? What if your mother is a drug addict. Should you do anything about it when kids yell, "Your mother is a crackhead!"?

No, you shouldn't. If you try to stop them, it will only make them do it more. Remember, the real reason they are teasing you is not that they have to tell you the truth about yourself. The only reason they do it is because it's fun to upset you. Even if your mother really is a drug addict, the people who yell it out will still feel stupid if you let them do it. In fact, they will probably end up feeling guilty for having made fun of your mother. So let them say whatever they want, even if it's true. If you don't let it bother you, it will bother them.

There is another way I want you to think about what your teasers have been doing to you.

Do you like to play games? You probably do. That's because everyone likes to play games. It's fun. And when you play, do you try to win , or do you try to lose? Unless you are trying to make a little kid feel good, you probably always try to win. Winning feels good, and losing feels lousy. And that's the way it has to be. Mother Nature made us that way.

Now, it's easy to know when someone is playing a game with you when you have cards in your hands, or when you are moving chess or checker pieces, or are working the controls of Nintendo or Sega or Playstation. And it's easy to know who wins and who loses when you are playing these games.

But very often, people are playing games and they don't even know it! If you don't realize someone's playing a game with you, you have no chance of winning!

One of the games kids like to play with unsuspecting victims is name-calling. They call you names, and you have to make them stop. The thing is, you don't really know it's a game, because nobody said, "Hey, anybody in the mood for a game of name-calling?" They just start playing it with you, and you fall into the trap of participating. You think it's for real, that they really despise you and want to hurt you, and you believe you have to do something about it.

The truth is that they don't really hate you and they don't really want to hurt you, (unless you really hate them and are trying to hurt them). What they really want to do is have fun playing and winning. As soon as you get mad, you lose and they win. The more upset you get, and the harder you try to stop them, the more you look like a fool. Unless you are mean enough and strong enough and clever enough to beat them all up without getting caught and punished, getting mad will never make you win.

When you play a game, you want to win. Without realizing it, you have been playing a game and losing all these years. Now you are going to win, because you know what the game is, and you can't be trapped any more. If you get mad, you lose. If you don't get mad, you win. That' all there is to it! It's that simple! That's all this teasing problem has really been about! Now you finally know how to win, and it is going to be the easiest thing in the world!

Lesson 3 - THREE WARNINGS

 

You want to succeed. By being aware of the following three warnings, you will avoid falling into traps that will make the teasing continue.

Warning Number One: The Teasing Will Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Of course it would be wonderful if all you had to do was read this webpage and you will never be teased again. Well, it actually is almost that simple, but it's not quite. The teasing will stop if you follow the instructions here, but you must be prepared that it will get worse before it gets better. But it should only get worse for a couple of days. So when you see it getting worse, don't think, "Oh, no, this isn't working! It's only getting worse! I have to make it stop!" It is working. It's just that the teasing gets worse before it gets better.

Why will it get worse before it gets better? Because your teasers have been upsetting you for a long time, and they love it. They have so much fun to insult you and get you mad, and they certainly don't want the fun to stop. Plus, you have been letting them know all along that the teasing has to bother you. They will need a little time to realize that you have changed.

Now, when you go out with your new attitude and your tormentors start making fun of you, they are going to see that you aren't doing anything. They are going to think there is something wrong with you. Perhaps you have gone blind and don't see them. Perhaps you have gone deaf and can't hear them. Perhaps you are distracted by other thoughts. Perhaps you have gone crazy and like to be teased. In any case, they are going to be very confused. They won't understand what in the world happened to you. But they really want you to get upset, and they are sure that teasing has to get you upset, so they are going to try even harder. They figure if the teasing gets really bad, you are going to end up doing something. So they are going to insult you louder, they will say worse insults, and maybe they'll get a bunch of friends together to insult you at the same time.

But it won't work for them. After a while, they will get tired of feeling stupid and will stop. A little bit later, they will try again, hoping you went back to your normal old self and will get mad. Again, it won't work. The next day, they will try again, but again they will only end up feeling foolish. By the third day, they probably won't even try, or if they do try, they won't try very hard and will give up quickly. You see, they want to make you the loser and the fool. They don't want themselves to be the losers and the fools, so they will give up bothering you as soon as they realize that they can't win.

Warning Number Two: You Must Follow These Instructions 100% of the Time

The only way you are going to succeed in stopping your tormentors from bothering you is by following these instructions 100% of the time. If you do it 90% of the time, it won't work. If the people teasing you see that most of the time you don't do anything, but sometimes you do, they will know that the teasing really does bother you, they just have to try harder and more often. So the teasing won't stop. It may even get worse. Only when they see that they can never, ever get you upset by teasing will they stop trying altogether.

Warning Number Three: The Teasing Won't Stop 100%

It is important to know that by following these instructions, your situation will improve dramatically. It may get 90%, 95%, or even 99% better, but it won't get 100% better. No matter how well you follow this plan, you can't expect never, ever to get teased again in your life. Everyone gets teased once in a while. Even dead people sometimes get made fun of. Even the President of the United States gets teased once in a while. In fact, the President gets made fun of more than anyone else in the whole country! More jokes are made about him than about anyone! Can you imagine what would happen if President Clinton's feelings got hurt every time he was made fun of? He would be an emotional wreck! He would never have been able to become President. In fact, he would not even have become Governor of Arkansas. The more famous and powerful a person is, the more people enjoy making jokes about him! So if we want to go far in life, we can't care about people making fun of us. Think of it this way: If the President of the United States can take a joke about himself, shouldn't we?

Therefore, if you find yourself getting teased once in a while even though you are no longer getting upset by it, don't think, "Oh, no! I'm still getting teased! This plan isn't working! I have to make them stop!" It is working. But everyone gets made fun of once in a while, and there's nothing in the world we can do to change that. The difference is that it will happen much, much less often than it used to, and it won't be done by the same individual more than once or twice. Most important of all, it won't bother you. And if the teasing doesn't bother you, then what is the problem?!

Lesson 4 - HOW TO HANDLE RUMORS

 

If you are a teasing victim, chances are that you are also a victim of rumors. Kids can torment you not only by saying insults to your face. They can also do it by saying bad things about you behind your back, then other kids come and tell you what's being said about you. The following conversation between Rob and Cindy is a typical example of how it happens:

Rob: I heard your mother sleeps in a dumpster.

Cindy: That's not true!

Rob: But that's what everyone is saying.

Cindy: They're all big liars! Tell me who is saying it!

Rob: Everyone is.

Cindy: I want to know who started it! Tell me who started it!

Rob: I don't know who started it. But everyone knows it's true.

Cindy: It is not true! And you better stop saying it!

Rob: I'm not saying your mother sleeps in a dumpster. But everyone else is.

Cindy: Oh, I'm going to kill the person who started this rumor!

Rob: But it's true, isn't it?

Cindy: It is not true! You better not believe it! It's a big fat lie!

Rob: But I think it is true. Everyone is saying it, so it must be true.

Cindy: It is not true!

And so on, and so on. This conversation can go on for a long time. Now, what is really happening here? Cindy is told a mean rumor by Rob. Then she starts defending herself and her Mom from the rumor, and tries to make the rumor stop. But is she succeeding in convincing Rob that it is not true, and is she making him stop repeating this rumor?

No, she is not succeeding at all. Rob continues repeating it, and enjoys getting Cindy upset. And the thing is that Rob doesn't really believe the rumor. Of course Cindy's mother doesn't sleep in a dumpster. But Rob sure is having fun getting Cindy upset with this rumor. Cindy thinks that she has to defend her family from this lie. But as soon as she defends herself, she is automatically the loser. Why? Think of a court scene. Who is in the stronger position, the accuser or the defendant? The accuser, of course! It is very uncomfortable to have to defend yourself in a court of law. The accuser is on the top, and the defendant is on the bottom.

When someone brings you a rumor, what he is really doing is playing a game with you. The game is to try to make you defend yourself from stupid rumors. It's very easy to fall into this trap. Your instinct tells you that you are being threatened and must defend yourself in order to win. But as soon as you defend yourself, you automatically lose, because you put yourself in a weaker position than your accuser! And the harder you try to make the rumor stop, the more you look and feel like a loser.

So what should you do if someone brings you a rumor? Don't be duped into the trap of defending yourself. Win the game by turning the tables on the rumor-bringer. Make him defend himself. How? By using the following four-word question: "DO YOU BELIEVE IT?" It works like this:

Rob: I heard your mother sleeps in a dumpster.

Cindy: Do you believe it?

Rob: No.

Cindy: Good.

And that's the end of that. Rob has nothing more to say about the rumor.

But what if Rob answers "yes," that he does believe it? Then it goes like this:

Rob: I heard your mother sleeps in a dumpster.

Cindy: Do you believe it?

Rob: Yes.

Cindy: You can believe it If you like.

Again, Rob gets stuck, with nothing smart to say. If he keeps asking if it's true, just keep telling him he can believe it if he wants to. You see, Rob wants to make you the defendant, because that puts you in the lower position and he wins. So refuse to defend yourself. Make him defend himself. By asking him if he believes it, you are really asking, "Are you really that gullible?" And if he is dumb enough to say that he believes it, well, that makes him stupid, which should be just fine with you.

What if the rumor is something that is true? What should you do then?

The answer is that it makes no difference. It's just like with name-calling. The real reason they call you names has nothing to do with the truth. It only has to do with making you the loser. Whatever gets you upset, that's what they will say. So if you want the rumors to stop, whether the rumors are true or not, just ask the person bringing you the rumor, "Do you believe it." And be sure to say it as calmly as possible. Do not get angry or upset about the rumor, or others will be more likely to believe it is true. And don't try to find out who started the rumor. You must let everyone see that you truly don't care about the rumors, and if they enjoy spreading rumors about you, it's perfectly OK with you.

There is one possible exception. When people who truly care about you ask about a rumor, and you really want them to know the truth, then tell them. But don't get into a long discussion. Tell them one time only. If they say they don't believe you, do not defend yourself! Just say, "You can believe it if you wish." It goes like this:

Rob: I heard your parents are getting divorced.

Cindy: No, they're not.

Rob: But that's what everyone is saying. Is it true?.

Cindy: Do you believe it?

Rob: Yes.

Cindy: Well, you you can believe it if you wish.

Rob: But is it true?

Cindy: I already told you. If you want to believe it, that's your choice.

Lesson 5 - HOW TO HANDLE PHYSICAL BULLYING

WARNING: I want it to be clear that what I tell you about physical bullying applies only when the bullies are kids who are more or less emotionally stable. Even though they are a small minority, there are kids who are extremely disturbed and dangerous. If they are bullying you, you should either avoid them or make sure you have people to protect you when you are near them.

Teasing does not have to be limited to words. Often, kids may try to get you upset by pushing you or hitting you. What should you do then?

It all depends on how much it hurts you. Usually, kids do not really mean to injure you. They're just playing another game with you. They want to annoy you and hopefully get you in trouble. For instance, you are standing on line in school and the kid behind you gives you a shove. Then you turn around, push him back really hard, and yell, "Stop pushing me!" Nobody saw the kid pushing you, but everyone, including the teacher, saw and heard you, and now you are the one in trouble. So the kid who pushed you scores a real big victory.

The best thing to do, if you didn't get hurt, is just to make believe you didn't notice. The kid who pushed you does not want to get in trouble, he only want to get you in trouble, so he has to avoid being seen pushing you. Therefore, he probably will not risk pushing you again, or maybe he'll just push you very lightly. If he does, then you should again make believe you didn't notice. And don't tell on him, because then he'll know it bothered you. He'll also be mad at you for telling on him, so he'll try to get back at you later. But if you don't do anything back, then he won't have the pleasure of annoying you, and he also won't have any reason to be mad at you.

What if the kid really hurt you? Should you ignore that, too?

No! No one has a right to hurt you. But it's important to realize that serious fights don't just happen from out of nowhere. Strangers don't just come up to you and hit you in the face with all their might. Almost every physical fight starts with a word fight. Kids call you names, tempers flare up, you start threatening each other, and before you know it, fists are flying. However, if you follow the advice that I've given you till now, then words will never make you mad, and physical fights just won't develop.

But what if someone does really hurt you? Unless your life is in danger, don't hit back. If you hit back, then you might get into trouble along with the kid who hit you. Also, he may hit you back even harder, and the fight will get worse and worse.

What, then, should you do? If you weren't injured so badly that you need first-aid from a nurse or doctor, calmly let the kid know how hurt you are. Don't sound mad, because that will only make him madder at you. Chances are that he'll even apologize at this point. If he continues hitting you then it's OK to go ahead and tell a teacher or other adult authority.

If the hit was so serious that you needed medical help, that's t he time you must let the authorities know. Remember, no one has a right to hurt you, and if they do, they need to be disciplined so they won't do it again. But if it doesn't really hurt, then why should you make a big deal over it? You will look like a baby and lose the respect of your friends if you go around telling on kids who didn't even hurt you.

There is another common type of physical bullying. Kids will demand that you give them your possessions, or they forcefully take your things from you . What should you do about this?

If they ask you for things, like money or your lunch, ignore them. Make believe that you don't hear them. When you do this, don't look scared. Even if they are bigger than you, they are still not allowed to hurt you, and they will probably leave you alone after a while.

If they continue to pester you, say calmly, "I'd love to give you what you want, but I can't." Don't explain why, and don't get into a debate about why you can't give it to them. If necessary, repeat something like, "I'd really like to help you, but I can't." By starting out saying that you would like to make them happy, they can't claim that you are against them.

At this point, they will probably leave you alone. But they might not. They may take something by force. What do you do then?

It's important to realize that when bullies take something away from you, they are usually not doing it because they really want to keep it. They are only playing a game with you and trying to get you upset. That's why the worst thing to do is to get mad. It's also a bad idea to try to grab it back. The best thing usually is to be calm. Say something like, “I really need my [item] back.” Chances are that if you wait patiently, they will give it back to you, and the calmer you are, the quicker it'll happen. You also have another choice, but I don't recommend this unless you really can pull it off smoothly. If the thing they took is not fragile, like a baseball cap, you can turn it into a game of Monkey in the Middle. You try to get it back while they throw it back and forth to each other. If you are going to do this, it has to be clear to everyone that you are having fun, that you aren't mad, and that you are being a good sport. The bullies just might end up being your friends when you do this.

However, if other kids take your hat and don’t return it even though you are being calm, you should not allow them to get away it because this is stealing, and stealing is crime. Calmly say something like, “I really do need my hat back.” If they don’t return it by the time you need it, you can say, “I would like my hat back, and I really don’t want to get anyone in trouble.” If they don’t get the message and return the hat, then you can report it to the appropriate adults. If the object was taken by schoolmates, tell the school. If it was done by neighborhood kids, tell your parents and the parents of the kids who stole your stuff.

Under no circumstances should you give your bullies money or lunch or things like that. They will take you for a sucker, and keep coming back with more demands. If they are seriously threatening you, tell your parents, teachers, or principals. If nothing helps, you can always go to the police. Stealing and extortion are serious crimes, and society should protect you from this when necessary.

Lesson 6 - GETTING REVENGE

You have been suffering day after day for years because of the cruelty of other kids. The more you have felt hurt, the more you have wanted revenge. You certainly have spent a lot of time imagining ways to pay them back for all the pain they have caused you. You have probably dreamed of bombing them, of shooting them, of slowly roasting them over a bonfire, or at least of making them look like the biggest fools in history. Without a doubt, you would like to make them regret they ever thought of picking on you, and be so scared that they will never, ever be disrespectful to you again.

While I've been bringing you a lot of good news till now, I'm afraid what I'm going to tell you next won't make you jump for joy -- though you will soon realize that it really is for the best.

Getting revenge means that you have to give your teasers back all the pain they have caused you all these years. Try to add up all the pain you have had -- the thousands of days of being depressed, of keeping hurt and anger bottled up inside of you, of thinking there was something wrong with you, of not having friends, of not being able to concentrate on your school work, of getting in trouble for trying to force them to stop -- and you will realize that you would have to do something awfully terrible to truly get your revenge. Giving them back all this pain at once would either kill them or send them to the hospital for the rest of their lives.

You may believe that this is exactly what they deserve. And maybe they do. But how would you feel if your wish for revenge really came true? How do you think you would you feel for the rest of your life knowing that you were a murderer, or ruined someone's life forever. The truth is that there have actually been a few kids in the past few years who got revenge by shooting up kids in their schools, and you probably have heard about them. The most famous ones were Eric Harris and Dylan Klebald, the kids who committed the massacre at Columbine High School. Do you think any of them are happy now after getting revenge? Eric and Dylan killed themselves, because they knew that their lives would have been worse than hell if they had stayed alive after getting revenge. They also completely ruined the lives of their own family members. Some of the other kids who murdered also killed themselves after killing their victims. The rest are all in jail, and possibly wishing they were dead.

Do you want this to happen to you? Of course not! If you actually succeeded in getting true revenge, your life would be worse than it is now.

So how can you get revenge in a way that doesn't make your life worse?

There are four things you should understand.

Number One: You have to accept the fact that, without becoming a criminal, you will probably never be able to give back all the pain that your teasers gave you. So you might as well relax and save yourself the time and energy that it takes to dream of this revenge.

Number Two: Every minute you spend thinking about revenge is a minute that your teasers are continuing to defeat you! Instead of living your life for yourself, you are wasting your life thinking about them! They probably don't waste much time thinking about you. If you are thinking about them more than they are thinking about you, this means that they are winning. They are continuing to control your thoughts without even lifting a finger! You are doing the work for them!

Number Three: Accept that your teasers are not completely to blame for what they have done to you. Of course, you are very angry at them and want to see them punished for the terrible injustices they have committed against you. As far as you have been able to tell until now, you have been nothing but an innocent victim of cruel kids, and they deserve to pay for their cruelty. And its true -- you have been an innocent victim because you did not want your teasers to be treating you the way they have.

However, that doesn't mean that it is all their fault, either. As you learned in the beginning of these instructions, when you were getting mad at the bullies and trying to stop them, you were actually making them continue, just like Billy was making the pigeons come by throwing them bread crumbs. They were really just playing a game with you, but you couldn't see it, and you couldn't see that anything you did to win would automatically make you lose. By getting mad, you were forcing them to win. And since the normal thing is to want to win, they had to continue trying to get you mad.

Of course, you couldn't understand this at the time. But now you do. Can you really expect them to receive a horrible, horrible punishment when you were practically begging them to torment you? It's really not fair to them. It's like throwing bread crumbs to pigeons and then shooting them for the crime of eating the crumbs.

Number Four: This is the most important thing. The best way to get revenge is to turn your tormentors from winners into losers. From this moment on, they will feel like fools whenever they try to bother you! They will be shocked and disappointed to find that they can no longer beat you! Of course, this may not be as gratifying to you as seeing them carried off in an ambulance, but it is a much healthier solution for both you and your tormentors. You will also have the satisfaction of feeling that they respect you more than ever before. You may even discover that kids who once used to make fun of you all the time are now trying to become your friends! Ending the teasing and changing your life for the better is really the best revenge of all.

To help you with this step, it might be a good idea to repeat the following summary to yourself every once in a while, till it becomes a part of you.

I didn't realize it all these years, but I've been allowing myself to be made a fool. It wasn't my fault, because I couldn't see how it was happening. I'm smarter now, and they can no longer defeat me. My best revenge is for everyone to see that I've gone from being a loser to being a winner, and that I've grown up to be a mature, self-respecting person instead of a over-sensitive kid who used to get upset over nonsense.

Lesson 7 - HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM HATING YOU

For years, kids have been making fun of you, and you have been sure that they hate you. Otherwise, why would they be treating you like dirt? As you know very well, it's horrible to feel hated. So how can you make other kids stop hating you?

Actually, it is an incredibly easy thing to do. You just have to understand how hatred works.

Who do people hate? Do we hate people who are nice to us and make us feel good? Do we hate people who love us? Of course not! When people love us, we love them back. It is our enemies that we hate, the people who are purposely causing us harm. If someone makes us suffer and enjoys doing it, that is a person we can hate.

Now think about the kids who have been teasing and bullying you. It definitely looks like they hate you. And how do you feel about them? You hate them, too. Why shouldn't you hate them? After all, they have been causing you to suffer and have been enjoying it! They are obviously your enemies and deserve your hatred.

Now, ask yourself this question: Who hates more, you or the bullies who pick on you? To answer this, you have to understand who is suffering more. Are you causing the bullies more pain, or are they causing you more pain?

Of course, you are the one who is suffering more! The bullies aren't suffering. They're having a roaring good time at your expense! They love it when you get upset. They aren't feeling pain, you are! You are suffering much more than they are. This also means that you probably hate them much more than they hate you! And you have good reason to hate them more, because they are hurting you much more than you are hurting them.

But what happens when you hate them? Does it make them love you? Of course not! You don't love people who hate you, and neither do your enemies. So how could you expect them to love you when you hate them so much?! As long as you hate them, they are going to hate you! You haven't thought of it like this before, because you have been too busy thinking about how much they make you hate them. You couldn't possibly have been thinking that you are making them hate you back!

There is another reason they may hate you. Have you been telling on them to teachers or principals? Have you been trying to get them in trouble for bothering you? If you have, do you think that this is going to make the bullies like you? Do you like it when others tell on you? Of course you don't! It makes you mad!

And the bullies are no different. When you tell on them, it makes them mad! It makes them hate you! If you try to get them in trouble, they will try to get you in trouble. And it's going to be like a tennis match that never ends: you try to get them in trouble, then they try to get you in trouble, then you try to get them in trouble, then they try to get you in trouble... And you are going to hate each other forever.

It's simple to make this tennis game stop. Now think of it this way: Can you hate someone who really doesn't hate you?

No! You may be able to hate him for a short while, but when you see that the person really, honestly doesn't hate you and doesn't do anything to hurt you, how in the world are you going to continue hating him? There's nothing to hate him for! It will be impossible for you to continue the hating!

But everyone else is like you, too. They can't go on hating people who honestly don't hate them. And this is the secret formula you are going to use to make everyone stop hating you. From now on, you are going to stop hating them, no matter how mean they have been to you in the past. Do not try to stop your enemies from hating you. Let them hate you if they wish! But they will find it impossible to hate you for long when they feel you have no hatred towards them. When you no longer get mad at them for teasing you, when you no longer try to make them shut up, and when you no longer tell on them, they are going to see that you really aren't their enemy. This is not going to make them hate you more. It's going to make them like you more. It's going to make them respect you more. And when you are no longer hating and telling on the bullies, it's going to make your teachers like and respect you more, too. You are going to be the big winner, and you won't even have to do anything!

There's another thing you should understand about the kids who tease you. Since they are making fun of you, it seems like they hate you for being different, and that if you were just like them, then they would love you. But it only seems that way. The truth is that they are happy that you are different. That's because, deep down, everyone wants to be special. In order to be special, you have to be different from other people. If you were just like your teasers, that wouldn't please them! You would be preventing them from feeling special!

Part of us wants to be the same as everyone else so that we won't stick out and be made fun of. But another part of us wants to be different from everyone, so that we can feel special. If people were all the same, life would be no fun. Even more importantly, the world couldn't function if everyone were the same. You need people with different abilities and characteristics to do all the different jobs that are required to keep our world running. So feel different, and feel special. Love others for being different from you, and they will love you for being different from them. By the way, did you ever hear the expression, opposites attract? Well, there's a lot of truth to that. In fact, the kids who tease you may be paying attention to you because they are attracted by your being so different from them. It's just that they try to make themselves feel good by making you feel bad. So don't fall into the trap of getting upset, and they won't continue to bother you. Maybe they'll end up being your friends because they find your differences so interesting!

Lesson 8 - HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

This may sound like a strange instruction. What does this mean, have a sense of humor? You may be thinking, "Of course I have a sense of humor!" And you may also be thinking, "What does this have to do with being a teasing victim?"

In a way, this is the most important lesson of all, and when you truly understand it and use it, your life will improve incredibly.

What does a sense of humor have to do with teasing victims? Everything! The reason kids become teasing victims is that, when it comes to themselves, they have no sense of humor!

Do you like to laugh? Do you like jokes and humor and comedy? Of course you do! You probably watch hours of comedy on television every day. You probably like to hear jokes and tell jokes. You probably like to read funny books.

You may also have heard the expression, Laughter is the Best Medicine. And it's true. Laughter makes sick people get better, and it helps people survive the harshest ordeals in life. Without laughter, life would be way too serious and we would all be miserable.

Now I want you to consider what we laugh about. Do we laugh when people look smart? Do we laugh when they are brave or wise? Do we laugh when they are generous or strong? Do we laugh when good things happen to them?

No! We only laugh when they look like idiots! We only laugh when they look clumsy or miserable! You may not have been aware of this till now, but start paying attention to what people laugh at. Start paying attention to the jokes and comedy routines that make you laugh. Try to think of a joke that doesn't put anyone down. You won't be able to do it. You will quickly realize that when you laugh, someone is being made fun of.

Well, that's what a sense of humor is all about. It is about enjoying people looking like idiots. And it's not a bad thing -- it's a good thing! That's why laughing feels so good and helps us heal.

Do you agree now that it's a great thing to be able to laugh at other people? Then let me ask you this. If it's OK for you to laugh at other people, who are other people going to laugh at? Shouldn't it also be OK for them to laugh at you? Of course it is! The only way to have a world in which we can enjoy laughing at others is if they are also allowed to laugh at us when we look like fools! And all of us look like fools sometimes. No one is perfect!. We all have things that others can laugh about!

Think about it this way. What is a healthy person? Is it someone who takes himself so seriously that he goes crazy whenever someone laughs at him? Or is a healthy person someone who knows he's not perfect, can take a joke about himself, and can make a joke about himself?

Of course, the healthy person is the second one, the one who can laugh about himself. When you were being a teasing victim, you had no sense of humor about yourself. You were not being healthy. You were letting yourself suffer instead of laughing and having a good time. You were acting as though everyone had to make believe you were perfect. And that's why it was so easy for people to upset you. All they had to do was point out your imperfections, and you went nuts. And when you went nuts, that's when you really looked like a fool.

Are you thinking that it's hard to have a sense of humor about yourself, and that you can't develop one? Well, it's really not hard at all. The truth is, it's right inside of you. Laughter and humor are basic human traits. People all over the world laugh and tell jokes, and they've been doing it for hundreds of thousands of years. It's programmed right into our genes. That's why kids start laughing when they are babies. Think about yourself. Did your parents or teachers have to teach you what's funny and when to laugh? No! You knew it all by yourself, because Mother Nature makes us that way.

Little children start calling each other bad names when they are only a couple of years old. And they enjoy it! It isn't hurting their feelings. They insult each other and they love it. And that's the way it should stay forever. The right thing is for people to be able to make fun of each other and of themselves. Pay attention to the comedies on television. You will see that the characters are always making fun of each other, and they don't get mad about it. Life becomes a lot more enjoyable when we laugh at each other. Chances are that if you have a real good friend, you make fun of each other sometimes and you don't get upset about it.

Well, if it's so natural for us to laugh at each other, why do we stop doing it? It's because of our education. Our parents and our teachers let us know that teasing is bad and punish us for doing it. Let's say you are little kid and you're playing around with your little sister, and you call each other bad names. When your parents hear this, they get mad at you. They tell you that you are not allowed to say such words to each other because they hurt people's feelings. So what do you think is going to happen next time you call your sister an idiot? Do you think she's going to laugh about it? Of course not! She is going to run to your parents to tell them that you hurt her feelings, and they are going to yell at you and punish you. This is going to make your sister feel great, and every time you call her a name, she is going to take the opportunity to tell on you again and get you in trouble. Is this going to make you love your sister? You bet it won't! It's going to make you hate her. And you are not going to let yourself be a sucker. You are going to start telling on your sister every time she calls you a name.

And there goes your sense of humor down the drain -- instead of laughing whenever you and your sister call each other names, you let yourselves get upset and try to get each other in trouble.

But it doesn't end at home. Next thing you know, you go into the outside world, and meet with friends or cousins. When they call you names, you continue to believe that your feelings should be hurt. Instead of laughing, you get upset and tell their parents. Since most other adults also believe that kids should not be insulting each other, it is not hard to get them to yell at their kids for making fun of you. But your friends and cousins are going to be doing the same thing, trying to get you in trouble for bothering them.

When you go to school, you find that your teachers give you the same message. Kids who call names get yelled at and punished, so teasing must be a terrible thing!

All these adults actually believe that they are helping kids get along and preventing their feelings from being hurt. But without realizing it, they are teaching kids to be hurt by stupid words, which ruins their friendships and destroys their natural sense of humor. It's not your fault that you ended up a teasing victim. You were just following what you were taught and believing that words should hurt. But it's never too late to change things. You can demand to have your sense of humor back. Refuse to get angry when you are called names. When you realize that your feeling shouldn't be hurt, not only will you stop getting upset by names, you will also discover that its often funny!

I can suggest a simple way for you to practice developing your sense of humor. Get together with a friend, or with a brother or sister, and play this game. In this game, you are to take turns insulting each other, but no one is allowed to get upset no matter what the insult is. Whoever gets mad gets a point. The person with the most points at the end is the loser. Make sure that everyone playing it understands the rules very well so that they don't get upset for nothing. If adults are nearby, make sure to let them know exactly what's going on, and that your feeling aren't really being hurt. You will discover that this game is one of the most fun things you can possibly do. You will be making real, honest-to-goodness humor, and you will all laugh your heads off!

This game will return your natural sense of humor to you. You will no longer be hurt by names, and you will also have learned that deep down, everyone enjoys being made fun of. But you have to be careful with this. You can't just go around making fun of everyone all the time. You have to be sure that you don't really hurt people's feelings, so take care only to make fun of people when you know they can take it as a joke. If you want to make people laugh, the safest way is to make jokes about yourself. Don't worry, it won't make them lose respect for you. They will love you for making them laugh. They will admire you for having the strength to laugh at yourself. And when they see you are able to laugh at yourself, it will be easier for them to laugh at themselves, too. Before you know it, you'll be able to laugh at each other.

Another wonderful thing will happen when you learn to laugh at yourself. You will become free of the need to show that you are perfect. It is very, very hard to always be perfect. It takes a lot of work,and no matter how hard you try, it's impossible to succeed. Whenever you make a mistake, you will feel bad, and others will be happy.

People who go around trying to be perfect are making a big mistake. They think that people will like them better and respect them more if they are perfect. But nothing can be farther from the truth. It is no fun being with someone who has to be perfect. If you are too perfect, people around you will feel that they are not good enough, or else they will think you are a snob. Either way, you will be making them feel bad, and nobody likes someone who makes them feel bad. People will actually like you a lot better when you aren't perfect. They will be able to relax and not feel like they have to be in some kind of contest. Show others that you aren't perfect, that you can make jokes about yourself and take jokes about yourself, and they will respect you and like you! And if you can master the art of making fun of others in a way that doesn't hurt their feelings, then you will really be in Paradise!

Lesson 9 - LOSE YOUR FEAR

Do other people make you feel scared? If they are bigger or stronger or meaner than you are, then it's perfectly natural to be afraid. However, what's natural isn't always what's best. If you are afraid of others, they will feel more powerful than you. They will enjoy this feeling and continue doing to you whatever keeps you feeling scared. Your fear will push you down to the bottom of the social ladder. People won't respect you very much, you won't have many friends, you will feel miserable, and you will look like a loser.

If you want to be happy and successful, it's important to stop being afraid of people. Only then can you really be a winner. This might not sound to you like an easy thing to do. But it really is. I'm going to teach you to use your brain to help you stop being afraid. Like all of my other instructions to you, it will require no effort, only a change of attitude.

Do you know why we get scared of people? It's because Mother Nature made us that way, and she knew what she was doing. The problem is that we were designed to survive out in nature, where our ancestors lived since the beginnings of life on the planet. Now we live in civilization, where the rules of living have drastically changed. What helps us in nature can end up hurting us in civilization.

Out in nature, life is very dangerous. There are no rules against violence, and no one goes to jail for hurting or killing anyone else. Animals eat each other for food. They also fight each other to establish dominance within a group. The fights in nature are serious and can result in death. Animals have to be physically strong in order to survive, and the strongest creatures make it to the top. Mother Nature is not stupid, and she loves her creatures. She wants us all to do the best we can to survive. We wouldn't last very long if we got into fights with creatures that are stronger than us. That's why Mother Nature programmed us to be afraid. Fear prevents us from getting into fights in which we might be hurt or killed.

However, we no longer live out in nature. For the past few thousand years, we have been living in civilization. Our civilized way of life is guided by laws, and if we break the laws, there are policemen and courts and jails to force us to behave. Out in nature, if you beat up your opponents, you are the winner. But here in civilization, we are not allowed to beat each other up. We are not allowed to use physical strength to solve conflicts. If I punch you and break your nose, you call the police, they arrest me, and I am a big loser. That's why, if you look around you, you'll see that there really is very little fighting going on. You can see an awful lot of fighting on TV, but that's mostly make believe. In real life, people might feel like pounding their fists against our faces when they are mad at us, but they don't do it because it's against the law. The laws of civilization are like an invisible shield protecting us from people who would like to hurt us.

So here, in civilization, we really have little reason to be afraid of other people. There is little they can do to actually hurt us because they don't want to get into trouble. Though we no longer live like tribes out in nature, people still have the need to be dominant over others and to move up the social ladder. So how do we do this without physical fighting? We do it by playing a game. The game is called Let's Scare People. If I threaten you and you get scared, I feel powerful and I am the winner. In this way, I can defeat you without even lifting a finger to hit you. This is also one of those games that people get trapped into playing without even knowing it. We think that when people threaten us, it's for real and they actually may hurt us. If we don't know they're playing a game with us, it is very hard to win. Our natural reaction of getting scared, which helps us in the lawless conditions of nature, becomes a weapon to be used against us. Even though we aren't in real danger, we get scared and automatically lose the game.

There are two general ways that people can make us scared. One way is to make us believe they are dangerous and can hurt our bodies or our possessions. This way is the most obvious one.

But there is another way of scaring us that is less obvious but much more common. We become scared not of how others will hurt us, but of what others will think about us. We want them to approve of us, and we feel that we can't be happy unless they do. The origin of this fear is also in nature. When we were living in tribes in the jungle, there was no welfare and no homeless shelters. We all had to cooperate to survive. What the group thought of us was important. If the tribe didn't approve of us, they would either beat us up or abandon us, and we wouldn't survive for long.

However, in civilization, there is no such danger. No matter what our friends think of us, we are going to have food to eat, a bed to sleep in, schools to go to, and hospitals to take care of us when we are sick. So our basic survival doesn't depend on what anyone thinks of us. Our bodies, though, don't know this, and react as though we're still in the lawless jungle. In civilization, if we worry about what others think of us, we are giving them power over us for nothing. Think of it this way: If I care about what you think of me, but you don't care what I think of you, who is in a stronger position? You are, of course! I will be trying to act and dress in a way I think will get your approval, while you are doing absolutely nothing for me. In other words, you become my boss! I become the big loser, and losers don't get respect.

Think about the really famous, successful, or powerful people in the world. Do they care what you think about them? Do they dedicate their lives to getting your approval? No! They do whatever they want, and don't give a hoot about what you personally think of them. They will only do what it takes to get you to continue buying their products or services or, if they're politicians, to vote for them. The more unconventional or outrageous their actions are, the more we are impressed by them, the more we try to be like them, and the more willing we are to spend our money on them.

If we really want to be more happy and successful, we have to stop being afraid of other people. We have to stop being scared that they will hurt us or think badly about us. How can we lose these fears? By using our brains to help us win the games people play with us. We have to tell ourselves that we are no longer living in the jungle, and the rules of life have changed. When our body tells us, "Oh, no, they're so big and strong! I'm afraid they are going to hurt me," we have to catch ourselves and realize that this fear makes us automatically lose. But we don't want to lose. We want to win. So we need to tell ourselves something like this: "They are bigger and stronger than me, but they can't hurt me. I'm not strong enough to beat them up by myself, but that's OK because I don't have to. There is an invisible shield protecting me, and if they go through this shield, the law is going to punish them and I am going to win. So they can act as scary as they want, and it doesn't bother me in the least!"

To help yourself with this, I want you to picture in your mind a big bully trying to scare a little kid who couldn't care less. The bully is making all kinds of threatening gestures with his hands and face, and is telling the kid he's going to beat him up. But the little kid just stands there yawning and looking bored. Can you see how stupid the bully looks? Can you see that the bully is the big loser here? Well, that's how people are going to look when they try to scare you and you don't do anything to stop them. And the wonderful thing is that the smaller and weaker you really are, the more ridiculous they are going to look when they try to scare you.

The other thing you have to do is stop being scared about what people think about you. To win the game, tell yourself something like this: "People can think anything they want about me, and it's perfectly OK. I don't mind if they think I'm ugly or stupid or fat or nerdy or gay. This is my life, and I'm going to live it according to my own beliefs and desires." You will discover that the less you care about what other people think of you, the more powerful you become, and this takes absolutely no extra effort!

There's another thing you should remember. It's not enough just to stop being scared of people who threaten you. It is also essential not to get mad at them, either! If you get mad, things will get worse, and you may end up in a fight. So be perfectly calm. Tell yourself that people have every right in the world to try to scare you, and you are not going to take this right away from them. Since they're not doing anything wrong, you have no reason to be mad at them. With this attitude, you will discover that people like you and respect you, and that you have no enemies, no matter how small or weak you may be. In fact, if you have no fear and anger, they may even admire you and want to act as your protectors, especially if you are small and weak!

I would like to remind you of the warning I gave you at the beginning of Lesson Five, about bullies. Don't forget that even though most people will not try to hurt you, you have to be realistic. There are kids in the world who truly are dangerous. They do go around hurting others, and they aren't afraid of getting in trouble, either. With such people, your natural fear is a healthy thing. Be afraid of them, and stay far away from them. If you must be near them, make sure you have people around you who can protect you. Otherwise, just remember that the simple way to win is to refuse to be scared.

Lesson 10 - DEALING WITH BROTHERS AND SISTERS

If your family is like most families in the world, you and your siblings (a fancy word for brothers and sisters, in case you never heard it) tease each other just about every day. If you want them to stop teasing you, the lessons I've taught you will work with them, too.

So why am I giving you a special lesson about brothers and sisters? Because there is one major difference: your parents. They make matters a little more complicated. In the outside world, when you stop other kids from teasing you, you are a complete winner with nothing to lose. However, at home, if you get your sibling to stop teasing you, you may losing something very important to you -- your parents' special protection!

If teasing is a problem in your home, this is what's happening. Your brother (or sister, of course) calls you a name. Then you get upset and tell your parents. Since your parents probably believe it's their job to make their kids get along, they are going to yell at your brother or maybe punish him. When your parents do this, it makes you real happy. You got your brother punished, and your parents, who are the most important people in the world to both of you, are on your side against him.

Now, if your brother stops bothering you, you will no longer be able to get your parents to defeat him for you! You will be giving up your great advantage over him! Many kids I've known actually preferred to continue being a teasing victim at home rather than give up the pleasure of keeping their parents mad at their siblings.

So if your parents are helping you against your siblings, you need to make a decision. What's more important to you: ending the teasing, or continuing to get your siblings punished? If you really hate your siblings, you may not want to stop getting them punished for teasing you. I can't force you to listen to me.

However, I hope that you will decide to have the teasing stop, even though it means you won't get your siblings in trouble any more. In the long run, you will be far happier. No matter how much you may hate your siblings, they really are much more important than your friends and classmates. While friends and schoolmates may come and go, your brothers and sisters will always be your family. When you have your own children, your brothers and sisters will be their aunts and uncles. Your siblings' children will be cousins to your children. In times of hardship, your brothers and sisters are more likely to want to help you than anyone else in the world -- if you stop being their enemy, that is. So it's really the best thing for you and your siblings to get along well rather than to continue fighting. Your parents will also be a lot happier when you get along.

So I hope you have decided to make your brothers and sisters stop teasing you. Just like with other kids, it's very easy. Just let them tease you all they want. Don't get mad at them, and don't tell on them no matter how terrible their insults are.

As I said earlier, your parents may complicate things. If they hear your siblings making fun of you, they may get mad and want to yell at them and punish them. Do not let them do this! Tell your parents that there is no problem, that it was just a joke and you're not upset, and that you can deal with your brother or sister on your own. Make it a rule to defend your siblings from your parents. Your siblings will be grateful to you when you prevent them from getting in trouble, and the truth is, your parents, too, will be overjoyed when they see the loyalty you have towards your brothers and sisters. Do not underestimate the importance of this. There is nothing that makes parents happier than seeing their children stick up for each other, even if it is against them.

When you stop telling on your siblings, they are going to stop telling on you, too. But it won't happen right away, because it will take them some time to realize that you have changed for good. So be prepared that for a few days, they will continue telling on you. That's perfectly OK. Let them tell on you.

Now I'm going to tell you something that you may not like to hear, but believe me, it is the absolutely best thing to do. Even if your siblings are lying about what you did, and make up a story about how you hurt them, do nothing, and don't get mad. And if your parents believe the story and yell at you or punish you or send you to your room, don't get mad at them, either. Don't argue about it, don't yell at them for blaming you unjustly, and don't try to get your punishment taken away. Just take the punishment like a hero! Now, this may sound crazy to you. How can you let your brother or sister get away with lying about you and getting you punished? You can do it because it's going to make you the real winner! First of all, your siblings are going to be totally blown away by this. They'll be amazed that you can be so nice to them, and that you are so tough that you can gracefully accept punishment for something you didn't even do! But they will also feel guilty for what they did! They're not crazy. They know that they lied, and that you didn't really deserve what they did to you. This is great! Let them feel guilty! This makes it a great victory for you. And most importantly, they probably won't want to do it again!

Not only your siblings, but your parents, too, will like you better for behaving this way. Your parents will be surprised that you aren't arguing with them about the punishment, and that you aren't even mad. Your mature behavior will impress them. After a short while, they will start thinking that maybe you didn't really deserve the punishment. Don't be surprised if they come along and let you off punishment. (By the way, it is a good idea not to get mad at your parents no matter what they punish you for). You know what else will happen? After a few incidents, your parents will no longer believe your siblings when they tattle on you. They will see that you're the mature one, and that your siblings are the babies, so their support will automatically go to you! By not doing anything at all, you will end up being the kid who gets the respect at home!

There's one last thing I would like you to know about brothers and sisters. Parents don't always understand this, because the adult world has become so afraid of physical and verbal violence. But the truth is that playfighting and teasing are tremendously fun activities. Unfortunately, these things stop being fun when parents step in to punish kids for fighting and name-calling. Playfighting and teasing, when they are done in fun, do not hurt. When you playfight, you are trying not to hurt each other, and when your partner lets out a scream of pain, you stop, because you don't want him hurt. And when you call each other names, it is simple fun, and no one's feelings are getting hurt. When you have this kind of fun with your siblings, it doesn't make you hate each other, it makes you love each other. So feel free to engage in playfighting and teasing, but make sure to let your parents know it is only a game, and that they have nothing to worry about.

Well, that's it. I wish you a lot of luck, and hope that your days of being ridiculed are soon over. I would also like to hear from you after you follow this advice. Click on Izzy@Bullies2Buddies.com to tell me your own personal experience. If it's a story that can be of help to other kids and you would like them to read it, give me permission to post it for everyone to see. And if you are having a hard time following the instructions, let me know what the problem is and I will do my best to write you back and help you.

Bonus Lesson - HAVE MORE FRIENDS

How can I be telling you that you can have more friends? And do you really want to have more friends? It could be that you are so tired of the way kids treat you that you've decided that you don't even care for friends -- they're not worth the effort.

Whether or not you think you want more friends, the truth is that deep down all of us would like to have lots of friends. Human beings are social animals. Our ancestors, going back millions and millions of years, have always survived because we have had others to cooperate with. No human being can survive for long without the help of others, and no human being can be happy for long without having friends. Our lives seem meaningless when we are lonely, and as much as we might love our televisions and computers, only real live people can truly bring us happiness. So you do want friends, whether you admit it or not.

But if you are a teasing victim, you don't have a whole load of friends. That's because other kids see you as a loser and don't want to be seen having anything to do with you. The friends you do have probably aren't too popular either, and may be teasing victims just like you. Some of your friends may also be a lot younger than you, because younger kids don't look down at you the way kids your age do. They don't realize that among your own age group, you are considered a loser. They are glad to have a big friend, and they are able to appreciate you just the way you are. You make them feel good, and they make you feel good.

I have great news for you. When you follow the advice I give you in this website, you are going to automatically have more friends. Maybe not a whole lot more, but you will definitely have more than you have now. Teasing victims are at the bottom of the social totem pole, but as soon as you stop being a teasing victim, you immediately start moving up. That's because kids who are now too embarrassed to talk to you will not have to be embarrassed any longer. They'll stop avoiding you. Then they'll start seeing you as the person you are, not as the kid who everybody laughs at. The change won't happen overnight, but it will probably start in a few days and slowly increase. Don't worry, you won't have to work hard. In fact, you won't really have to do a thing.

If you haven't read the instructions on how to stop being teased and bullied without really trying, you should do it now. You will see that the instructions are incredibly easy. In fact, there is nothing easier in the world. So hurry up. Read them and follow them, and you will see how quickly your social life improves and you start being happier.

The Next Steps to Having More Friends

By this time, you should have read the instructions on how to stop being a teasing victim. If you have recently begun following them, you probably have noticed that things are getting better already. Maybe no one even teases you any more. But what if you still don't have a lot of friends, and would like more? What if you want to be part of a group, but you are shy or scared to try to join? What should you do that doesn't require much effort? Read this section carefully! It is just what you need!

You are shy because you have been rejected for so long. You may have come to believe that other kids couldn't possibly want to be your friends. But if you stay away from them, then you'll never have many friends. You need to be near kids in order to become friends with them. Fortunately, it is easier to make friends than you may think.

Step Number One: Do Not Try to Convince Kids to Be Your Friends

A big mistake many kids make is to try to convince others to be their friends. This is a terrible idea, and just wastes your energy.

A true friend is not a boss. A real friend should see you more or less as his equal. You want friends who do as much for you as you do for them. But if you are going to try to make kids be your friends, that means that you will be ready to work hard to make them like you. It won't work! Instead, they will feel like they are your boss, and can get you to do things for them so that they will let you be with them. You will become a servant, and servants don't get respect. It's the boss who gets the respect. And they will also be willing to dump you as a friend in the blink of an eye.

Therefore, if you've been thinking, "Oh, no! I don't have enough friends! What can I do to make kids like me?", you must throw this thinking into the garbage can. This kind of thinking will give people power over you. They will look down on you, and they will never be your equals in friendship. Immediately replace this attitude with, "If no one wants to be my friend, that's perfectly OK." Does it scare you to think like this? Are you afraid you'll end up with no friends at all? Don't worry. This attitude won't make you have less friends. Just the opposite. It will bring you more friends, and they will be better friends.

How does this work? When you have the attitude that it's OK if no one wants to be your friend, it will also mean that no one can be your boss. No one can have power over you, and they can't look down at you. You will truly be independent, your own person. People will automatically see you as more confident and attractive. They will respect you more, and will try harder to make you like them. And the wonderful thing about it is that it requires no effort. Just relax. Be more carefree and comfortable about life, and the friends will come to you. As long as they feel that it really, honestly, will not make you depressed if they stop being your friend, they will not be quick to dump you. Have fun with friends, let them have fun with you, and your social life will be smooth and satisfying.

Step Number Two: Learn from the Baboons how to be Accepted by a Group

Nobody has a zillion friends. People form groups of friends, sometimes called cliques, and our ancestors have been doing this since the beginning of time. Long before there were towns and cities, human beings and their predecessors were living in small groups called tribes, and these groups usually had between fifty and one hundred members. And this is also true for the apes and a lot of other social animals, especially mammals. So if you live in a tribe, your group of friends are going to be the other kids in this tribe (who are really your siblings and cousins). Therefore, you may have a group of maybe six, or eight, or ten good friends that are around your age. This is the natural condition, and it makes us feel good.

Life for human beings began changing tremendously a few thousand years ago, when we started forming towns and cities with hundreds, thousands, and even millions of members. Suddenly there are a lot more kids around. It's impossible for them to all be our friends, so we form small groups of friends, just like when we lived in tribes in nature. When we lived in a tribe, though, it was simple to be part of a group of friends because they were always around you.

In modern life, though, it becomes more difficult to be part of a group of friends. If you go to a big school in a large town or in a city, you have to find a group to belong to among all the kids around you, and you must become accepted. It can be scary, because you are afraid they won't want you. But I'd like to make it easier for you.

First of all, you have to decide which group you really want to belong to. If you're into science and computers, you may not feel comfortable with a group that is always looking to party and to shop in the mall. So look at the group that has interests similar to yours. They don't have to be exactly like you. In fact, it can be boring to have friends who are just like us. Variety makes life interesting, and there is no reason that you can't be part of a group of kids in which you are unique or special. In fact, for a group to be truly successful and fun, the members have to have individual differences. So don't be put off by a group whose members aren't your mirror images. The most important thing is to find a group of people that you think you like.

There's something else that's important to understand. It's not only you who needs friends. Other kids need friends, too. You are just as important to them as they are to you. Do not try to fit an imageof what you think they want you to be. You don't have to act exactly like them to be accepted. Simply being you is the best and easiest way to be friend material.

Now, let me teach you about baboons. Baboons are apes that live in the plains of Africa, and in many ways, they are like human beings. Like our ancestors, they live in tribes. But they are also extremely strong and dangerous. A human being would stand no chance in a fight with a baboon, and if they fight with each other, they can be deadly.

Male baboons don't live forever in the same tribe. When a male baboons grows up, he leaves the safety of his own tribe and looks for another tribe to join, and he'll probably live there for the rest of his life. But the young male baboon can't just walk into the middle of a strange tribe and say, "Hey, I'm here to join. Where do I sign up?" He is a stranger to them, and they don't need him. They've been getting along fine before he came along. They would see him as a dangerous enemy if he suddenly intruded into their tightly knit tribal group, and they would tear him to pieces. In order to accept him, they must first trust him and then get to like him.

So you know what the baboon does? It's really quite amazing. He sits himself down far away from the tribe, but in a place where they can easily see him. Since he is far away and not acting in a threatening manner, they are not very scared of him. And then he just sits and waits. He waits days, weeks, and sometimes even months. His patience is really amazing. Can you imagine sitting for months near a group of people and having no real contact with them?! But that's exactly what the baboon does. Little by little, he sits closer. They start getting used to him being there, and they lose fear of him. Then the children, who are by nature curious and adventurous, start going near him. They play with him, and he plays with them. Then some of the young women get curious, too, because they are as interested in meeting new guys as he is interested in meeting new girls. And eventually, he is inside the group. They have gotten used to him, they have gotten to like him, and he belongs.

You, too, can learn from the baboons. It will work the same way. Find the group you like, but don't work hard. Do not try to force your way in, because they may push you out. Just hang out near them, and relax. If one of them notices you and starts up a conversation, then that's wonderful, and you'll probably be inside quicker. But if they don't, don't despair. Look around and find a group member who interests you and looks friendly, and start talking to him. What if you can't think of anything? The easiest way to start a conversation is to pay him a compliment. Make it genuine. Think of something you believe the person would really enjoy being complimented about. He will probably be so grateful to you for noticing that he will tell you all about it, and before you realize it, you'll have a new friend. That friend will be your key into the group.

The important thing is to have patience. Remember the baboon sitting quietly in the distance, and try to be like him. The kids will end up accepting your presence and will even forget that you were once not part of them. And the good thing is that people are quicker to accept others than baboons are. It won't take months to belong. Members of the group will gradually start talking to you, and things will move quicker and quicker. It will probably be a matter of days, or a couple of weeks at the most, till you are considered to be part of the group. Just remember to be calm and to be yourself. Tell yourself, "I don't care if they don't accept me," and they will end up accepting you more quickly. You'll know how successful you are by how much fun you're having. If you are enjoying being with them, you can be sure they are enjoying being with you in return.

Chapter Two - HOW WE TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO BE HURT BY WORDS

WARNING: Please don’t be upset about what I have to say. The typical adult procedures I will be describing here may not reflect your own approach to children. And if they do, understand that I am not being critical of you for doing the wrong thing. You’ve been acting with the finest of intentions, and have been following in the footsteps of our civilized ancestors. The only thing you are guilty of is trying too hard to make things better between children. Since you had no way of seeing that your actions were creating the problems you thought you were solving, there is no one to be blamed.

 

We don’t want our children to be getting upset by words. So what do we do? We try to protect them from bad words. And that’s how our problem begins. The following is the typical scenario of what happens when children come to us complaining of being upset by another child. It is the same whether the “helping” adult is a parent or a teacher or anyone else responsible for children. I will explain what happens using three characters named Bully, Victim, and Adult. The characters named Bully and Victim are indeed the bully and victim in this example, but Bully is not necessarily always the bully, and Victim is not necessarily always the victim. (I will use the male gender for all characters only as a matter of convenience of language. The sex of those involved is irrelevant.)

 

Step 1 – The Crime Report: Victim, sounding real hurt or angry, comes to Adult saying that Bully called him a bad name.

Step 2 – The Investigation: Adult summons Bully and does an inquiry into what happened.

Step 3 – The Judgment: Adult, using his superior intelligence, judgment, and experience, determines who the guilty party is – let’s say it’s Bully this time.

Step 4 – The Sentence: Adult reprimands Bully and makes him apologize to Victim. Adult punishes Bully in accordance with the severity of the injury he has inflicted on Victim.

This process leaves Adult feeling satisfied that he has done the right thing – teaching the kids that name-calling is wrong and protecting the virtuous victims from the wicked bullies. And the more often the incident is repeated, the more often Adult gets to feel he’s doing the right thing.

But what lessons have the children really learnt from adults? I’ll make a list, though it may not be all-inclusive.

1. Being teased must be a very painful thing to endure. After all, if teasing didn’t hurt, why in the world would adults be punishing kids for doing it?

2. The more upset you are by names, the harder the Adult will punish your bully. So it really pays to get upset by teasing.

3. Bad words are a great way to manipulate adults. Adults obviously consider teasing more important than just about anything, because they will stop whatever else they’re doing to take care of the “emergency.”

4. Children should not expect to be able to handle interpersonal difficulties by themselves, but need the wisdom of adults to solve their problems for them.

5. Adults think it is good for children to be informants on each other.

6. Freedom of speech is a mythical creature – something existing in only in textbooks and spoken about in school. Adults do not believe in it and punish those who exhibit it.

 

And what happens between the parties involved? Adult wants the kids to like each other better, to be nicer to each other, and to be sorry for having done anything hurtful. But is that what Adult has accomplished? No way! Here, again, is a list of what really goes on.

1. Victim feels righteous indignation towards Bully for hurting him so badly that Adult had to punish him. He is very happy that he was able to defeat Bully with Adult’s help. Victim will keep on the lookout for the next time Bully hurts him so he can rush to tell Adult about it and get him punished again.

2. Bully is furious with Victim for getting him in trouble, and will be alert to the next opportunity to retaliate. He will either taunt him again, or devise a way to get Victim in trouble with Adult by reporting that Victim did something mean to him.

3. Bully is also mad at Adult for judging against him and punishing him. This is not going to make Bully want to be nice to Adult.

4. Adult is mad at Bully for being a bully, and he’s doubly mad because now Bully is angry at him for disciplining him. Of course, Adult would like to be appreciated by Bully for teaching him right from wrong, but Adult can keep on wishing.

These things are true whether the fighting is between siblings at home or between students in school. It happens far more frequently at home than in school. In school, children are more scared to be caught fighting, so they try to bother each other away from the watchful eyes of adults. Most school incidents actually happen not in the classroom but during the less-structured activities of lunch and recess, when kids have more freedom of movement and are less likely to be under the direct gaze of an adult.

Usually, it is not the students’ own teachers who are supervising these activities, but rather other teachers or school aides. So the victims must first report the incident to the lunch and recess overseers, who then have to report the incidents to the students’ teachers. Thus, most quarrels that teachers attend to do not even occur while the kids are under their care! Matters get even more complicated when teachers report the incidents to the students’ parents, expecting them to take charge of their children and make the problem stop. Sometimes the parents are, indeed, successful in getting their kids to stop fighting in school. More often, one or more of the following occur:

1. Parents punish their child for bullying another child in school. Their child becomes mad at them for judging against him and punishing him. The parents get even madder at him for being mad at them. The child also gets mad at his teacher for turning his parents against him.

2. Both sets of parents decide their own child is right and want to defend them. The fight between two children now escalates into a feud between two families. Usually, the fight between the parents gets presented to the school principal.

3. The principal’s job becomes a nightmare when he has to reconcile feuding sets of parents. If he is not successful at this delicate job of diplomacy, at least one set of parents will become mad at him, too. If the victim’s parents feel he isn’t sufficiently protecting their child, they will be mad at him. If the bully’s parents feel he is unfairly siding against their child, then they will be mad at him. And if neither set of parents feels he is on their side, then they will both be mad at him.

4. Since the incident happened in school, the victim’s parents may blame the teacher for allowing their child to be bullied in school. The teachers don’t want to be blamed for something they feel is not their fault, so they blame the parents for doing a poor job of child rearing. Now, parents and teachers are feuding over the nonsense between children.

5. When parents and teachers feud, the principal gets in the middle. Again he has to walk a diplomatic tightrope. If he supports the teacher, the parents will be mad at him. If he supports the parents, the teacher will be mad at him. If he tries to be neutral, they will both be mad at him.

6. Since adult intervention tends to make the anger between children worse, there is a good chance that the bullying will continue. This will make the victim’s parents very upset with the school. If they don’t get satisfaction, they may resort to changing the child’s school. If they are lucky and their child is not picked on in the new school, then all is fine. If they are unlucky, the problem repeats itself in the new school.

7. Occasionally, parents become determined to fight to the end for their victimized child and will invest great amounts of time, effort, and money to sue their school system. A few such cases over the years have reached State Supreme Courts, with parents trying to make it law that schools be held responsible for their children being teased! Fortunately, no parent so far has won, for the results would be disastrous. Teasing is human nature, and while a school may be able to reduce the frequency of teasing, it is impossible to completely eliminate it. If schools could be held legally accountable for the teasing between children, the lawsuits would quickly force them to shut their doors. And then education would have to take place at home, where the abuse between children is likely to be much worse!

What can we do to stop the insanity? The next step is to become aware of the misguided attitudes that underlie our responses to aggressive incidents between children.

Chapter Three - OUR MISTAKEN ATTITUDES TOWARDS CHILDREN'S AGGRESSION

As the years go by society is becoming increasingly confused and contradictory about aggression and violence. On the one hand, the violence in entertainment is more graphic and extreme than ever. On the other hand, statistics show life in the United States to be safer than ever before, even with the occasional mass-killing. True, violence is a horrible thing, and it is correct to want to eliminate it as much as possible. However, the newspapers and television bringing daily accounts of violent incidents right into our homes gives us the impression that violence is an epidemic. Each new violent occurrence, especially when children are involved, makes us panic. We want to get rid of it at all costs so our children can grow up in an aggression-free environment. In the belief that such a thing is actually possible, and that doing so will lead them to become happier and healthier adults, the educational and psychological establishments of our country are working towards eliminating all aggressive behavior in children. Since the Columbine massacre, we are hearing more and more calls for “zero-tolerance”of both physical and verbal aggression between children. While these efforts have not succeeded in eliminating aggression between children, they certainly have been increasing the incidents of adult aggression (punishment) towards children who are deemed guilty of being aggressive. And, as seen earlier, the typical adult interventions increase aggression between children.

There are numerous mistaken attitudes we have about aggression that lead us to respond in a way that makes matters worse and hurts the personality development of our children. If we truly wish to reduce aggression between children, we need to change our mistaken attitudes. In the following list, the mistaken attitudes are on the left, and replacements for these attitudes are on the right.

MISTAKEN ATTITUDE…	REPLACE WITH…
Aggression is a learned behavior This is the official position of the American Psychological Association, and guides the mainstream thinking in the field of education as well. The underlying belief is that human beings are blank slates, born without instincts, and that we do only what we are conditioned to do. On this assumption, psychologists and educators are trying to figure out how to stop children from experiencing or witnessing aggression so that they can grow up to be aggression-free adolescents and adults. Since aggressiveness is not a natural trait of the human species, aggressive children are seen as pathological. This aggressive trait is normal only for animals, and people who possess it require therapy or medication to make them normal. Additionally, we tend to blame adults -- usually their parents -- for having taught the kids this negative, inhuman behavior.	Aggression is a normal, genetically programmed behavior. Aggression is here to stay. It has been a part of life for the billions of years that our genetic program has been developing, and there is no evidence that human beings have suddenly, mysteriously, become the only animal on the planet that is born without genetic programming for aggression. If aggression were a learned behavior, we wouldn’t have to spend so much time and effort into teaching children not to be aggressive. When children display aggression, we should understand that they are expressing genetically programmed behavior patterns. Rather than being judgmental towards aggressive children and their parents, we need to learn how to understand aggression and deal with it – our own and others’ – in a manner that is conducive to civilized living.
MISTAKEN ATTITUDE…	REPLACE WITH…
We should have zero-tolerance for physical and verbal aggression. The “zero-tolerance” movement has gained tremendous momentum due to Columbine and the other school massacres. The belief is that aggression exists because we tolerate it. If we would only refuse to tolerate aggression, it will go away and we will end up with a peaceful society. If aggression is not tolerated, then bullying will disappear and there will be no victims seeking vengeance.	Intolerance of aggression causes aggression to escalate. Fights develop when one person cannot tolerate the aggressive acts of another person, and then tries to use his own power to stop the aggressor. The Columbine killers and all the other students who committed massacres did so because they had zero-tolerance for the verbal aggression of their peers. Had they known how to tolerate aggression, the aggression would have fizzled out, and they and their victims would still be alive today. A policy of “zero-tolerance for aggression” is a logical absurdity, because it ultimately requires readiness to use aggression to stop aggressors. Most sports involve physical aggression and cause injuries. Does a zero-tolerance policy require the banning of sports? And do we ban humor, since it consists of verbal and/or physical aggression?
MISTAKEN ATTITUDE…	REPLACE WITH…
Abuse and neglect are at the core of all psychological difficulties. It is believed that for a person to grow up emotionally healthy and complete, he must avoid experiencing any type of abuse or neglect. By providing children with nothing but supportive and positive childhood experiences, and by meeting their needs as quickly and completely as possible, they will grow up to be emotionally resilient, optimistic, and competent to deal with all the challenges that life will throw at them. In accordance with this thinking, the predominant movement in psychotherapy in the past couple of decades has been to uncover the sources of abuse and neglect that the patient experienced in his childhood. By uncovering past abuse and neglect, the patient becomes free to live a normal life.	Experiencing difficulty and pain is essential for emotional growth. All truly resilient people have had experience with harsh life situations and learned how to overcome them. If we actually succeeded in raising children who never experience any abuse and neglect, they would grow up to be emotional marshmallows, frustrated when they don’t get what they want, and unable to handle people being mean or inconsiderate towards them. Therapy that’s primarily concerned with delving into sources of abuse and neglect can make a person’s life worse by increasing his anger towards the people who have been close to him and by legitimizing feelings of self-pity for being treated badly. To develop emotional resilience, children need to be exposed to aggression and learn to deal with it effectively. (In civilization, learning to deal with aggression requires learning to control one’s anger. An excellent source for this is the INSTRUCTIONS for teasing victims in this website).
MISTAKEN ATTITUDE…	REPLACE WITH…
Children should be disciplined for hitting and name-calling. Hitting and name-calling are aggressive behaviors and children should be taught not to do them. Children need to be reprimanded or punished whenever they hit or call names.	Children should be disciplined for hurting others. Hitting and name-calling are normal childhood activities that kids often do to each other, and they do not necessarily injure anyone. If there was no injury, there was no crime, and no one needs to be punished. When adults are willing to punish children for name-calling and hitting even when no one is hurt, it becomes a cinch for children to sucker adults into serving as heavy artillery in their petty squabbles. The rule that should guide us is not “hitting and name-calling are not allowed,” but rather, “hurting is not allowed.” Only when there has been real damage should one consider if disciplinary action is in order.
MISTAKEN ATTITUDE…	REPLACE WITH…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words hurt my soul. This variation of the age-old slogan has become the new way of thinking, especially after Columbine. Since it has become obvious that the children who are killing children are victims of teasing, it is no longer correct that “words can never harm me.” In fact, words can hurt so badly that victims have been driven to commit mass murder as revenge.	Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me. This slogan was never intended as a statement of fact, since it is obvious that children often feel hurt by words. It is meant to be a remedy to being hurt by words. The jingle provides children with the secret weapon for easily defeating those who taunt them. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me” is a wonderful encapsulation of the fundamental difference between verbal and physical aggression. When a baseball bat hits me over the head, my attitude towards the bat is irrelevant – no matter what I think about the bat, it’s going to hurt me. Words are another matter. The damage they do is entirely dependent upon my attitude towards them. They can only hurt me if I let them. If you insult me and I get hurt, it is not really you who hurt me. I hurt myself! So why should you get punished?
MISTAKEN ATTITUDE…	REPLACE WITH…
Children need to be taught how to get along. Social relations are very complex activities that children can only be expected to learn if we teach them how to do it. The fact that they fight so many times a day is proof that they need us to stop their fights and show them how to get along peacefully.	Children learn how to get along all by themselves. Human beings are social creatures and can only survive by caring for each other. Our ancestors have been doing it for millions of years, and it has become part of our genetic programming. Mother Nature guides us towards good relations by making us feel pleasure when we get along and misery when we don’t. Modern civilization is governed by millions of man-made rules that essentially require us to control our natural, inborn instincts. Many of these rules contradict one another, and can cause mental confusion and emotional suffering. Children, being younger than adults, have had fewer years to be conditioned and confused by civilization, which is why they are so obviously better at getting along than adults are. Throw a random bunch of young kids together, and they will play energetically for hours with little or no real aggression. Children will be found constantly quarrelling only when there is an adult hovering over them, trying to keep the peace and teaching them how to get along.
MISTAKEN ATTITUDE…	REPLACE WITH…
Adults need to judge the disputes between children. Children are too young, inexperienced, and irresponsible to resolve their own conflicts fairly and peacefully. Because of this lack of ability, they end up fighting so much, and depend upon us to stop them. To learn fairness and justice, children need to come to us. By judging their disputes, we demonstrate how to tell right from wrong and how to solve problems peacefully. Furthermore, older children have an unfair advantage over younger ones. We need to “level the playing field” by helping the weaker ones so that the stronger ones will be prevented from abusing them. We should instruct children, “If you have a problem with each other, don’t try to handle it on your own -- come to me [the parent or teacher] for help.” Hopefully, the wisdom we pass on to our children will make them competent to hold court with our grandchildren.	Adults should never judge between children. When we rush in to judge our children’s disputes, we are actually preventing them from solving their problems on their own. The moment we enter the scene to restore peace, they turn into screaming prosecuting attorneys against each other and become distinctly less peaceful. But even worse, whenever we judge between two people, one of them -- the loser -- ends up hating not only the winner, but us as well. "Leveling the playing field" does not lead to peace. It causes battles to go on indefinitely because there is never a winner and loser. Instructing children to come to adults for help rather than deal with disputes on their own is absolutely the worst thing we can do. It turns them into informers against one another, guaranteeing that they will be hate-filled enemies. Adults should refuse to get involved in children’s disputes, and send them to work it out with each other instead.
MISTAKEN ATTITUDE…	REPLACE WITH…
Playfighting must be forbidden. All forms of violence, even in play, can lead to violence in real life, and therefore should not be tolerated. Though playfighting may start out as fun, it always ends up turning into a real fight. If children are permitted to playfight, they learn that violence is acceptable, they get practice in its use, and they grow up to be violent adults. Furthermore, playfighting is a dangerous activity. If we didn’t stop it, it would lead to frequent hospitalization.	Playfighting is a wonderful activity for both children and adults. Playfighting is not really fighting. It is playing. Children, both human and animal, are genetically programmed to playfight in order to prepare them for their adult roles as warriors as hunters. Playfighting is such great fun because Mother Nature rewards all biologically essential activities with pleasure, and playfighting is essential for survival. The fact that civilized adults are not supposed to fight does not change the genetic programming of our children, and playfighting still gives them pleasure. Playfighting in childhood does not lead to violence in adulthood. Real violence is painful, and all animals are biologically programmed to avoid pain. That’s why, as adults, we try to avoid unnecessary violence. We are glad to live in a society that forbids violence, and happily obey the rules against it. Having fun together makes people like each other better. Because playfighting is so much fun, it increases the love between children. Playfighting is also an excellent way for adults to bond with their children, as our ancestors have been doing for hundreds of millions of years. Playfighting is not as dangerous as it seems. When people playfight, they are trying not to hurt each other. Sports, which are actually sublimated forms of playfighting, result in far more injuries than playfighting. Therefore, anyone who wants to forbid playfighting for safety reasons should certainly forbid sports. The only reason playfighting turns into a real fight is that an adult gets involved. When a child in a playfight feels pain, he gives a scream, and his partner pauses until he feels better. But when an adult hears the scream and comes along to determine who the guilty party is, they both try to put the blame on the other, and that’s when they really want to kill each other!
MISTAKEN ATTITUDE…	REPLACE WITH…
Violence in entertainment and games leads to a violent society. Children should not be allowed to watch violence on TV or play with toys or games that involve aggression and violence. This will make them grow up to be aggressive and violent adults. Violence in entertainment desensitizes children to bloodshed. The increasing violence in entertainment is a reflection of the growing epidemic of violence in the country. The violence in entertainment is also a major cause of the violence epidemic in society.	Violence in entertainment makes people more aware of the horror of violence. The neighborhood crime rate does not suddenly jump up after the crowd exits from a violent movie. In fact, when people see explicit violence on the screen, it makes them more aware of how horrible it is. The graphic violence in a film like Saving Private Ryan is more likely to make people anti-war than pro-war. After seeing a horrible rape scene, a young man is more likely to be considerate towards his girlfriend. Violent entertainment does not desensitize children to bloodshed in real life. In all the news-clips of school massacres, did you ever see students walking around indifferent to the bloodshed? Of course not! Despite the fact that virtually all our children have seen immeasurable violence on the screen, they become hysterical when they see real people shot. Had they become desensitized to bloodshed, we wouldn’t need to import busloads of crisis counselors whenever tragedy strikes a school! Violence in entertainment only desensitizes children to violence in entertainment. Our children are at least as horrified by real-life bloodshed as their pre-TV ancestors. There is no epidemic of violence in the country. One act of violence plastered on a hundred million TV screens still amounts to one act of violence. Despite the acts of violence that bombard us on the news, violence in the U.S. is declining. Statistically, citizens of modern democracies are living in the safest environment in the history of the planet. Social commentators who want to prove that society is becoming more violent usually do it by counting the violent incidents on TV. But the truth is the reverse – the more violence there is in real life, the less violence there is in entertainment. Only people who live in peace tend to enjoy violence in entertainment. People who live with real violence seek entertainment that takes their minds away from violence. Only highly disturbed individuals will be stirred to action by violent entertainment. More murderers have attested to receiving their inspiration from the Bible – an extremely violence-filled book -- than from any other source, yet few people are seriously calling for a ban of the Bible.
MISTAKEN ATTITUDE…	REPLACE WITH…
If the media were to present more pleasant images, and the newspapers were full of good news, society would be better and individuals would be happier. Society is in such terrible condition because of the negativity and aggression that are constantly conveyed in the media and newspapers. These negative impressions fill people’s minds with unhappiness and pessimism. People would be happier if we were presented with positive images in entertainment and if our newspapers were full of good news instead of bad news.	If the media were to present more pleasant images and the newspapers were full of good news, we would be bored and miserable. The media are not stupid. They spend billions of dollars to learn exactly what the public wants and to provide it better than their competitors. If people really wanted pleasant stories, that’s what they would get. You could be sure that the media moguls would gladly replace comedy and violence with religious and inspirational shows if that were what people really enjoyed. If newspapers were full of “good” news, readers would become miserable. They would be wondering, “Why is life so unfair? When is it going to be my turn to win the lottery, instead of all those other shmoes?” “Bad” news makes us feel grateful that it is “them” and not “us” who are suffering.

I hope you are beginning to see aggression in a new light. You will soon be learning amazingly simple ways to apply these new attitudes in real life. But first, click on to the next section to learn the importance of the bedrock of democracy, Freedom of Speech, for the issue of violence.

Chapter Four - THE IMPORTANCE OF FREEDOM OF SPEECH

It is impossible to do a good job of reducing violence without an appreciation of Freedom of Speech. First of all, most violence in our society, including school, is verbal violence. People get angry over words they say to each other, enemies are made, and ongoing states of war are created. This is true in practically all relationship problems, whether between husband and wife, parent and child, teacher and student, brother and sister, and child and peer. A small percentage of violence is physical, but even the great majority of physical violence begins with anger over words. It is extremely rare for someone, out of the blue, to physically attack someone else without angry words being exchanged first. But since this website is concerned with children, you should consider the fights between your children at home and at school. You will realize that virtually all fights begin with words. If kids knew how to deal with words without getting angry, there would be a lot less physical violence.

So what does this have to do with Freedom of Speech, one of the rights guaranteed by the US Constitution? Everything!

Throughout all of human history, people couldn’t just say whatever they felt like. Countless people have been tortured, crucified, burned at the stake, and killed in all kinds of horrible fashions for saying things against the “official” view. Many a bloody battle has been fought over things people said. Even today, most people in the world live in countries where it is dangerous to say what they really think.

When there is no Freedom of Speech, it is legitimate to be angry with people, to punish them, and even to destroy them for the things they say. But there is a problem with such a system. Everyone thinks his own view is the truth, but different people see things differently. Who, then is to be the ultimate authority over what can be said? The answer is that the people with the most power decide. In other words, whoever instills more terror in others gets to decide. This, of course, does not make people happy. It makes them hate the people in power, and it leads to violent outbreaks when the oppressed decide to rebel against their oppressors.

An excellent attempt at solving this problem came a few thousand years ago, when wise men got the idea of using God as the ultimate authority. After a few thousand years of experimentation with this approach, it was becoming apparent that it didn’t make things any better at all, because people were continuing their zealous killing -- in the name of God’s will! Even today, most wars are still fought in the name of religion.

And that’s where the wisest of all came in. A couple of hundred years ago, the authors of the United States Constitution did an absolutely brilliant thing: they guaranteed Freedom of Speech. Suddenly, we all became free to say what we want, without fear that somebody would hurt us for saying it. A quarter of a billion people in this country are living in remarkable harmony because we have to accept other people’s right to say what they want, just as they have to respect our right to say what we want.

Most of us have come to take Freedom of Speech for granted, like the air we breathe and the water we drink. The truth, though, is that Freedom of Speech is little more than a slogan for most people. We have never practiced it at home and in school. We continue to get mad at children and punish them for the things they say, not only to us, but to each other as well. And this freedom is being whittled away on a national level as well. It is becoming increasingly illegal to say what we want because others may be offended, and people in the public eye are having their careers destroyed because of jokes they made. We are supposed to develop a national character that gives us the strength to tolerate the words that others supposedly have the freedom to say. Instead, we are becoming a nation of crybabies who want the government to protect us from bad words, the same way children expect parents and teachers to protect them from name-callers.

Why is this happening, despite over two hundred years of having Freedom of Speech? Because our citizens have never been given a complete education as to what Freedom of Speech means. It is not enough to tell us we have Freedom of Speech. This does nothing to make us stop our biological reaction of getting scared, angry, and hateful towards people who say mean things to us. Why do we get scared, angry and hateful over words? Because it is a biological reaction that has developed over billions of years in conditions of Nature, where life is very dangerous, and animals eat each other for food and fight each other for dominance. Granting us Freedom of Speech a couple of hundred years ago has not changed our genetic program that tells us that others who threaten us are a real danger.

But now we live in Civilization, and we no longer have to fear each other the way we did in the lawless conditions of Nature. People are not allowed to hurt us, no matter how threatening they sound. To realize the full benefit of Freedom of Speech, we need to be taught not only that is it perfectly OK for people to say what they want. There is also no reason to get mad at people for what they say, since they are not allowed to hurt us! It is not the mean words people say that is a problem; it is the anger that is the real problem. Anger is the emotion behind violence. It is the desire to destroy or defeat an opponent. Our anger not only makes us become enemies, it escalates the problem and makes others continue doing exactly what we don’t want them to do!

It is time for us to start teaching our children, from the earliest ages, what Freedom of Speech really is. This means we have to solve our routine conflicts with our family members, our colleagues, and our students, without getting angry over the words they say. This is the only way they will grow up learning not to get mad over words.

How about “dirty” words? All I’ve said so far may sound like good ideas to you, but you may be wondering if it also applies to curse words. This is where most adults have difficulty with free speech. Should we not get mad at people, especially the children in our care, when they use dirty words? How can we not get mad when they say the “f” word? Don’t they need to be punished for that?

The answer is “No!”

Why not?

Because it is stupid to get mad at people for saying such words. It is a big mistake. The purpose of using “bad” words is to get us mad! If we get mad, we fall into a trap. We don’t enjoy being mad; it is a negative feeling. When kids can get us mad with these words, they have defeated us, even if we punish them. They have turned us from calm, happy people, into miserable, angry people. Furthermore, the hallmark of civilized people is that they control their anger. People who get angrylook like idiots. So when our kids get us into a rage, they have succeeded in turning us into fools, and they can no longer respect us.

If we punish them for saying bad words, that does not solve any problem. It only makes the situation worse. They become mad at us and feel that we deserve to have these words said to us. And they will look to get back at us, probably by saying these words again.

Another thing that happens when we punish kids for using bad words is that we are teaching them that these words are very powerful and hurtful. So they themselves will get upset by these words. The cycle will be complete when they grow up and have children of their own, and will get mad at them and punish them when they say these words. And this is how the problem has been passed down from generation to generation.
Now, this is not to say that you shouldn’t do anything at all when children say bad words. You can say things like, “We don’t use words like that in our family (or school)” or “I don’t like it when you talk like that.” This will hopefully embarrass them so they won’t want to use them again. But this has to be said without any anger.

Before you continue on to the next Lessons, I sincerely hope I have given you an increased appreciation for democracy’s precious right to Freedom of Speech. In a sense, Freedom of Speech is the purpose of this website: to free people from oppression by teaching them to stop getting angry over words and other nonsense. My instructions in the coming Lessons will teach you how to apply the principles of Freedom of Speech in real-life situations. If you aren’t already aware of it, this website also contains detailed instructions for victims of teasing and bullying. (Frankly, I would recommend you read it, too. You may be surprised how much it can help you in your own relationships.)

Chapter Five - THE MAGIC RESPONSES, PART 1

And now for the best part of all. I will be teaching you how to respond when children are teased and bullied. If you strictly follow my simple advice, most of you will experience quick and dramatic reduction in the aggressive incidents between the kids. However, I would like to warn you that you might have trouble believing that the improvement is really due to your new approach. Why? Because we’ve heard the illogical slogan, “There are no easy solutions,” so often that we have come to believe it. Therefore, you may think the improvement is only coincidence: the kids “just happened” to grow up and decide to stop fighting at the same time you read this website. Or you may think that it was due to a more tangible reason, like they had finals to study for and had no time left to fight. And there’s a strong third possibility: when things get better between your kids, you may quickly forget that they ever had an aggression problem and that you did something wonderfully effective about it. That’s because as we get busy with life’s new problems, we tend to forget the old ones that went away.

Well, what’s so terrible about that, as long as the problem was solved? There are three things that are wrong with it:

1. If you do not realize that what you are doing really works, it is only a matter of time before you fall back into your old ways. Then the teasing and bullying between the kids will return as badly as ever, and you will be convinced that this approach doesn’t work.

2. There are many other adults who need help in dealing with children’s aggression. If you do not appreciate the effectiveness of the approach you are learning here, you will not refer other parents and teachers to this website, and many people who could use the help will continue suffering needlessly.

3. I am only human, and I have an ego. I have invested a great deal of time and effort, as well as some money, into creating and running this website that provides you, free of charge, with solutions that are priceless. Is it too much to hope that you give me some credit for making your lives better? The only way that can happen, of course, is if you recognize that my remarkably simple instructions are what made the difference.

It’s important, then, that you properly evaluate the results. Start by making a realistic assessment of your current situation. Estimate the average time per day you are engaged handling problems between your kids (whether your children or your students). Commit the amount to memory or, better yet, write it down. One week from now, again estimate the amount of time you are spending on the problem.

Then compare the two amounts. If you have been following my instructions precisely, you should find that you are spending at least 80 or 90% less time on your children’s interpersonal problems. And don’t think it just means they stopped bringing you their problems. They will actually be having fewer problems. They will actually be getting along better. They will actually be building resilience. They will actually be learning to handle problems independently. And they will actually be happier. You will, too.

So please! If you do see the great results I promise, don’t attribute them to anything else. After years of doing it your way, if the problem suddenly gets better, take my word for it -- it’s not a coincidence. It really is because of you, because of your new approach. Appreciate that a simple change in your attitude can make dramatic changes in the behavior of those around you. And if you like what happens, please send all the educators and parents you know to this website. Let’s get the revolution rolling!

SITUATIONS AND RESPONSES

There are four basic kinds of situations of aggression between children that you commonly encounter:

1. Kids complain to you of being called names.
2. Kids complain to you of being hit.
3. You witness kids calling names.
4. You witness kids hitting.

How to deal with them will also depend upon whether you are a parent or a teacher. This Lesson and the following three will each deal with one of these situations.

A general note about school: Before we begin with the details, I would like you to consider the proper place of school in the education of the child.

Every minute spent in school handling interpersonal problems is a minute taken away from education. Students are all-too-eager to get away from academics. When they discover their teacher is willing to stop what he’s doing to deal with social problems, it is child’s play to fill up the school day with problems.

How can this be prevented? By having teachers make it their official policy that class time is for academics. And by having parents support teachers’ efforts to minimize time spent on children’s interpersonal problems. (The instructions on this webpage will make that possible).

A general note about bullies: The word “bully” has negative connotations. The general attitude of adults is that the bullies are bad and must be made to stop their bullying. I, though, am not judging the bullies. I refer to kids as being bullies only in the sense that they apparently have the upper hand in the bully/victim interactions. We are to consider them as being no better and no worse than victims. In fact, we are to consider them as necessary for the learning of social skills. Childhood is a time when children practice the skills they will need in their adult lives. If they don’t learn how to deal with aggression in their formative years, how in the world are they going to know how to do it when they are adults? It is more useful to see bullies as the social sparring partners of our children. Bullies give our children the opportunity to learn to deal with aggression, an essential life skill, and we are to be grateful to them rather than angry. Our job is not to protect the victims from the bullies, but to teach the victims how to defeat the bullies – by not getting upset.

Situation Number One: “Johnny called me a x@z#$%*!”

Magic Response (for both parents and teachers): “Do you believe it?”

This is probably the most common situation of all. One child comes to you complaining that another child insulted him. What he wants you to do is get mad at the bully and hopefully punish him. If you do this, things will only get worse. The best response in the world is the four magic words, “Do you believe it?” It goes like this:

Child: Johnny called me a x@z#$%*!

Adult: Do you believe it?

Child: No!

Adult: Good!

And that’s all there is to it! The child has nothing more to say, and the incident is over in record time.

This response accomplishes a number of things:

1. It places responsibility directly upon the shoulders of the victim, where it should be. Whether or not he is upset is entirely up to him, not the bully. When he says he doesn’t believe it, he becomes aware that there is really no problem.

2. When you say, “Good,” that he doesn’t believe it, you are letting him know you are happy he is doing the right thing.

3. Since you are not punishing the bully, the bully does not become mad at his victim or at you, so there is less chance of escalation or retaliation.

4. It shows the kids that since you don’t think the name-calling is a big deal, neither should they.

There is, of course, the possibility that the child will say, “Yes,” when you ask if he believes the insult. Then you should handle it this way:

Child: Johnny called me a x@z#$%*!

Adult: Do you believe it?

Child: Yes!

Adult (With sound of amazement): You mean you believe you’re a x@z#$%*!?

Child: No!

Adult: Good!

What if the insult is something true, like having freckles? Then handle it like this:

Child: Johnny called me a freckle-face.

Adult: Do you believe it?

Child: Yes!

Adult: So what’s the problem?

At this, the child will probably have nothing to say, and just walk away. There is a chance, though, that he may ask you to tell his bully to stop. Don’t fall into the trap of helping him. Answer like this:

Child: Johnny called me a freckle-face!

Adult: Do you believe it?

Child: Yes!

Adult: So what’s the problem?

Child: Tell him not to say it!

Adult: If it bothers you, you should tell him!

What the child really wants is for you to do the dirty work for him. When you tell him to talk to the bully, don’t be surprised if he just forgets about it and does nothing. After you respond in the above manner a few times, he will realize that he can’t get you to fight for him, and the incidents will become history.

If you have a particularly persistent child who seems determined to get you to do something against the bully, then you should handle it in a way that makes it clear to him why it would be a mistake for you to do what he wants. It goes like this:

Child: Johnny called me a “freckle-face!”

Adult: Do you believe it?

Child: Yes!

Adult: So what’s the problem?

Child: Tell him not to say it!

Adult: If it bothers you, you should tell him!

Child: I keep telling him, but he doesn’t listen.

Adult: If I tell Johnny to leave you alone, is that going to make him like you more, or hate you more?

Child: Hate me more.

Adult: And if he hates you more, will he be nicer to you, or meaner to you?

Child: Meaner.

Adult: And will it make him like me, or hate me?

Child: Hate you.

Adult: So is it going to do any good if I tell him?

Child: No.

Adult: That’s right!

Child: So what should I do?

Adult: When Johnny calls you names and you get mad, does that make him happy or sad?

Child: Happy.

Adult: That’s right. Do you want to make him happy when he calls you names?

Child: No.

Adult: So stop getting mad. If he calls you names and you don’t care, will he feel smart or stupid?

Child: Stupid.

Adult: That’s right! So let him call you names all he wants. After a while, he’ll get tired and stop.

Point to remember: Your moral upbringing may make it hard for you to accept the idea that you shouldn’t do anything to the bully. Our guiding principle should be that it is not permitted to hurt people. When a victim feels hurt by names, it is not really the bully who hurt him. It is the victim who hurt himself. Therefore, it is never appropriate to punish the bully when a victim tells on him for name-calling.

Chapter Six - THE MAGIC RESPONSES, PART 2

Situation Number Two: “Johnny hit me!”

Magic Response: “Are you hurt?”

The vast majority of hitting incidents between children do not really hurt, and many, if not most, are not observed by any adult. So you are likely to be faced with a child coming for help with an incident you didn’t see and in which no one is hurt. Like in Situation Number One, what the child really wants is to win by getting you to reprimand and punish the other child. Again, if you do this, matters will only get worse. The best way to respond is with the three magic words, “Are you hurt?” It goes like this:

Child: Johnny hit me!

Adult: Are you hurt?

Child: No.

Adult: Good.

This leaves the child with nothing more to say, and he scurries off. Aside from having ended the incident in a matter of seconds, you will have accomplished the following:

1. When you ask if the child is hurt, he feels your genuine concern for his welfare.

2. When the child acknowledges he is not hurt, he realizes there is no problem.

3. When you say, “Good,” you are continuing your sympathetic manner, letting him know that you are happy he is not hurt.

4. Since you are not doing anything against the bully, he does not become mad at his victim or at you, so there is less chance of escalation or retaliation.

5. When the kids see you don’t consider the hitting (which didn’t hurt anyone) anything to be concerned about, they probably won’t, either.

If the child persists in trying to get you to reprimand the bully, handle it exactly in the manner prescribed above for name-calling, but adjusted for hitting. It goes like this:

Child: Johnny hit me!

Adult: Are you hurt?

Child: No.

Adult: Good.

Child: Tell him to stop hitting me!

Adult: If it bothers you, you should tell him!

Child: I keep telling him, but he doesn’t listen.

Adult: If I tell Johnny to stop hitting you, is that going to make him like you more, or hate you more?

Child: Hate me more.

Adult: And if he hates you more, will he be nicer to you, or meaner to you?

Child: Meaner.

Adult: And will it make him like me, or hate me?

Child: Hate you.

Adult: So is it going to do any good if I tell him?

Child: No.

Adult: That’s right!

Child: So what should I do?

Adult: When Johnny hits you, is he trying to hurt you, or is he trying to get you mad?

Child: He’s trying to get me mad.

Adult: That’s right. And when you get mad, does he feel happy or sad?

Child: Happy.

Adult: Do you want to make him happy when he hits you?

Child: No.

Adult: So stop getting mad. Let him hit you all he wants. After a while, he’ll get tired and stop.

If the child answers that he is hurt, then it needs to be dealt with differently. Here is how I suggest doing it.

Child: Johnny hit me!

Adult: Are you hurt?

Child: Yes!

Adult: Show me where.

The child then shows you. Inspect the area of injury, and if it requires first aid or medical attention, make sure the child gets it. Your immediate concern is to take care of the injury so that the child can heal as well as possible. This is more urgent at the moment than disciplining the bully.

When you are done taking care of the injury, then you can deal with the bully. However, what you should do is very different depending on whether you are the children’s teacher or parent.

For Parents: If one of your children hurt another, do not discipline him! This may sound crazy to you. How can a parent not discipline a child for hurting his sibling?! Let me explain.

It’s important to realize that your children do not really want to kill each other, no matter how much you see them fighting. They want to defeat their sibling, but they don’t enjoy drawing blood or breaking bones. So please relax.

Have you noticed that they seem to fight over nonsense? Do you wonder why they are willing to get themselves hurt and upset over such inconsequential matters?

Well, they’re not really fighting over inconsequential matters.

So what are they really fighting about? I’ll tell you.

When your children are having a fight over insults, TV shows, toys, dirty looks, etc, they are fighting over things that are not terribly important. But they know what’s probably going to happen because you do it most of the time. When they fight, they expect you to come over as usual to stop the fight and administer justice. As soon as you are there, the situation facing them completely changes. Before you came along, their concern was the insults, TV shows, toys, dirty looks, etc. These things are really not worth it for them to fight about. You, on the other hand, are worth fighting about. You are their parent, the most important person in the world to both of them. The last thing in the world they want is for you to take their brother’s side against them. Whichever one you decide against will be very hurt and upset. So they are now fighting over the most important person in the world (you), and they are practically willing to kill! They become prosecuting attorneys trying to get each other in trouble with you, and this doesn’t exactly enhance their mutual love. But being a good parent, you will hear them out and use your superior intelligence, judgment, and experience to make a decision. Whichever way you decide, the kids will continue being mad at each other because they didn’t work the problem out between themselves. The “guilty” one will now also be mad at you, and he’ll be even madder at his brother for getting you against him. And he’s going to try to even up the score by finding something else to fight about and hopefully get you on his side. Meanwhile, you keep yourself busy trying to stop the never-ending, insignificant battles, never realizing that you are actually what they are fighting about! You’re trying to stop the fights, but you are really making the fights happen! Therefore, the worst thing parents can do is to get involved in the conflicts between their children.

How about just stopping the fights, without taking sides? What’s wrong with that?

When you stop a fight without taking sides, you think you are creating a tie; there is no winner and no loser. But this is not true. The weaker one is automatically the winner because there is no way he should be able to have a tie against a stronger opponent. With your help, the weaker one knows he can do anything he wants to his stronger sibling, and you will prevent him from getting clobbered. He’s going to love this, and the stronger one will hate it, and the fighting will continue.

So if one of your children hurts the other, do absolutely nothing to him! Do not tell him to apologize. Do not lecture him. Do not punish him. Do not even give him a dirty look. And do not even be mad at him. If you are mad at him, he will become mad at both you and his brother. You will also be making the victim happy, so he will continue to provoke his brother to hurt him so that you’ll get mad at him again.

The only person who should be mad at the hitter is the victim himself. If the victim wants to tell him he’s hurt, that’s up to him. Then the hitter will probably feel sorry for hurting his sibling and will apologize on his own. But if you tell the hitter to feel sorry and apologize, he will get busy defending himself and arguing that it’s not his fault.

Warnings: I want you to succeed with this new approach. To make sure you do, and to avoid calamity, I must give you the following warnings:

1. The fighting will get worse before it gets better. Your children have known for years that you try to stop their fights, which is exactly what they want. When they see you are no longer concerned with their fights, they will think something is very wrong with you. They know the fights are supposed to bother you, so they will fight even harder to make you do something. But they will see you’re not doing anything. After a while, they will get tired of hurting and upsetting each other. The next day, they will try again, figuring you went back to normal. Again, they will see you don’t care. By the third day, they will hardly even try, and things will get much better. So when you see the fighting getting worse in the beginning, don’t think, “Oh, no! This isn’t working! The fighting is only getting worse! I have to make it stop!” It is working. It’s just that it often gets worse before it gets better.

2. You must follow this advice 100% of the time. 90% won’t work. If your kids see that you usually do nothing to stop them, but sometimes you do, they will know the fighting really does bother you; they just have to try harder and more often to get you involved. Therefore, they must see that you never care about their fighting, and then it will get and stay better.

3. Don’t let them go to the hospital just because you are following my advice. You are still responsible for your children’s well-being, and if you see the possibility of serious injury requiring medical attention, don’t let it happen just so they can learn a lesson. Don’t worry about punches or kicks or scratches or pulled hair. The kids will heal from these by themselves. However, if a child is about to use a weapon, or throw a sibling down the stairs, you must stop him. But you don’t care who started and what it’s about, and you aren’t even mad at anyone. Just take away the weapon, or move them away from the stairs, and tell them as lovingly as possible, “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you go to the hospital.” And then walk away.

4. The fighting will get 80, 90, or even 95% better, but it won’t get 100% better. Only dead people don’t fight. People who are alive and live in the same house fight and argue sometimes. No matter how precisely you follow my instructions, you can’t expect your children to never, ever fight again. So when you see them fighting once in a while, don’t think, “Oh, no! This isn’t working! They’re still fighting! I have to make them stop!” It is working. It’s just that they are still alive and living together.

Note: Sibling rivalry is a very serious and widespread problem. In almost every family in the world with more than one child, the kids fight every day. I cannot provide a comprehensive explanation of sibling rivalry in this website. I have been writing a full-length book tentatively called Mother Nature’s Simple Solution to Sibling Rivalry, which I hope to have published in the not-too-distant future. (If you are in the publishing business and want to help me with this, please feel free to contact me). In my humble, self-centered opinion, it will be the most useful book available on the subject. I will keep you posted when it is in print. Until then, please accept the concise explanations and instructions I am providing here. Also, if your fighting children are old enough to understand it, have them read Lesson Ten of my INSTRUCTIONS to victims of teasing on this website. Or you may order my audio self-help tape, How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying, and have them listen to it.

For Teachers: As a teacher, you are in a more sensitive position regarding students hurting each other than parents are with their own children. Parents are best off leaving it to their children to confront a sibling who hurts them. Schools, though, are responsible for the care of other people’s children, and must take some disciplinary action when one child hurts another. Therefore, if you have determined that the victim is indeed hurt, you can’t just do nothing. Students must know they are not permitted to hurt each other. The best thing you can do is put the victim and aggressor together so they can work out the problem between themselves. It is important that the victim show the bully that he is hurt, not that he is angry. If necessary, coach the victim to express his hurt without sounding angry. If he sounds hurt, the bully is likely to feel sorry for what he did. However, if he sounds angry, the bully will be angry in return, and the conflict will escalate.

If the bully sincerely tells the victim he is sorry, and the victim accepts it, that should be enough. However, if the situation cannot be resolved so nicely, and the bully does not show remorse, then further disciplinary action is in order. The bully must be taught that he cannot hurt other children without facing consequences. I will refrain from telling you exactly how to do this, as your school’s current policy should do fine, and you should follow that policy.

Warnings:

1. Do not be mad at the bully. It is quite natural to feel anger towards a student who intentionally hurts another child. However, it is a big mistake to do so. Your relationship with him should not be damaged just because he is having a problem with another one of your students. If you are mad at him, he will become mad at you, and this will not help him learn from you. All you should convey is sorrow over the pain he caused, and how he should try never to do it again. The victim is the one who has the right to be angry with him, not you.

2. Tell his parents not to punish him. Teachers often believe that parents should discipline children for things they do in school. While this may sound reasonable, it is a terrible thing to do. Countless relationships between children and parents are destroyed because the parents punish them for their behavior in school. The child committed his act in school, and it has nothing to do with his parents. If his parents punish him for what he did in school, he becomes angry with both the teacher and the parents. He’s angry with the parents for punishing him for something that has nothing to do with them, and he’s angry with the teacher for getting him punished at home. This anger is far more likely to make him continue acting aggressively than to become a content, compliant student. Children are far more afraid of their teachers and principals than they are of their parents. Have you ever stopped to realize that one teacher can get thirty students to work for six hours more easily than two parents can get one child to work for five minutes? Understand, then, that children take discipline by school authorities far more seriously by than they take discipline by parents. So if you need to report the incident to the child’s parents, and you don’t want to destroy families, make it clear to them that they may compassionately discuss the incident with their child, but that the school alone will administer the consequences.

Point to Remember: The goal is to reduce conflict as much as possible. It is not reasonable to expect children to never, ever hurt each other, and I am not providing you with much new instruction about what to do when there is real injury. However, the simple instructions I am giving will cut out all the phony incidents, which is what the great majority of them really are. What do I mean by “phony” incidents? Those are the incidents in which no one is really hurt. They are happening only for the purpose of getting each other in trouble with you. These phony incidents will disappear when you follow my instructions, and, without exaggeration, you should see at least an 80 or 90% reduction in conflicts. This will leave you with much more time to teach, and your time in school will be more enjoyable. The only time you will have to do something is on that rare occasion when someone really is hurt.

Chapter Seven - THE MAGIC RESPONSES, PART 3

Situation Number Three: You hear children calling names

Magic Response for Parents: Nothing.

Magic Response for Teachers: It depends.

For Parents: That’s right. Don’t do anything. It’s the easiest thing in the world. Take the attitude that it’s perfectly OK to call names, and name-calling won’t become a problem. If you pay close attention, you will often see that when they are calling each other names, they aren’t getting upset, but are actually enjoying themselves. However, if you step in to stop them, you are sure to see a fight immediately erupt.

Don’t worry that by permitting name-calling, it will happen more often. Just the opposite – by allowing it, it will lose its attraction and it will happen less, without any effort on your part.

Are you worried that if you allow them to call bad names at home, they will do it in other places, too? Give your children more credit than that. They are not so stupid! Children are excellent at discovering what is acceptable behavior in different settings. You may have already noticed that they treat their teachers with much greater respect than they treat you. They would never dare talk to them the way they talk to you. Have you also noticed that while they can be such monsters at home, they behave so nicely at other peoples’ houses? So you see, you don’t have to worry that they will use these names indiscriminately.

If you try to stop your kids from calling each other names, you will be teaching them that words are something they should get upset about. Do you really want to handicap your kids in this way? Just because the majority of parents do this to their children, it doesn’t mean you should, too.

What if you still feel it’s important to actively teach your children that it is not proper to use certain words? How can you do it without getting angry and punitive? It’s really very simple. There are two basic steps:

1. Instead of thinking that kids have no right to use bad language, tell yourself, "They have every right in the world to talk badly, and I am not going to take this right away from them."

2. Without getting mad, say something like, “We don’t use words like that in our family.”

Do not sound angry at all when you do this, because you shouldn’t even be angry. You are talking to people you love and care about, and love and care are the only emotions you should convey when you guide them in the proper way to talk. If you talk to them with love, they will probably feel embarrassed and may apologize for having used those words. If they nevertheless continue to say them, just ignore them. Don’t get mad at them and don’t punish them no matter how ugly their speech is. If you get mad at them, you will not be making them stop. You will be making them continue, because the purpose of bad words is to get us mad. Only talk to them when they are talking to you in a manner that you feel is respectful. Realize that you are the boss, and that your kids need you more than you need them. Don’t answer them when they are rude, and they will have no choice but to talk to you respectfully. Most important, you should realize that in the long run, when children grow up to be independent adults, they end up behaving remarkably similar to their parents. The best way to teach our children to talk nicely is by talking nicely ourselves. If we don’t use bad language, they will grow up not using it either.

For those of you who are brave, I would like to go even one step further. When you hear your kids calling each other names, join in! Call them names! Call your spouse names! You will discover that rather than everyone getting upset by this, they will laugh their heads off. You will be having great fun. And they won’t hate you for it. They will love you for it. This is what comedy is really about – people making fun of each other. As long as you are not mad at people when you make fun of them, they will enjoy it. Why should humor be a form of pornography, something that we can only enjoy by watching paid actors doing it on TV? Reclaim it for your own lives, and let your family enjoy. It is the best way to teach your children not to get upset by names, and you will increase their emotional health. After all, what is an emotionally healthy person? Is it someone who takes himself so seriously that he gets upset when he is made fun of? Or is it someone who knows he’s not perfect, and can take a joke and make a joke? Obviously, it’s the latter one. So foster health in your children, and join in the fun-making!

For Teachers: First of all, you should read the instructions for parents, just above. The basic principles are no different for teachers than they are for parents. However, the school situation is not as simple as the home. How you should respond when you hear children in school calling each other names depends primarily on the reality of your school situation.

As a teacher in a school building, you do not have the same liberty that parents have within their own homes. You have to take into account your school policies, administration, fellow teachers, and parents. The way you handle matters between children can bring repercussions from school administrators, from other teachers, from parents, and from any combination of the above. Plus, in a learning institution, behavior has to be more proper and controlled than it generally is within the home. So you must take these factors into consideration.

In an ideal school (in my view), school policy would allow total freedom of speech, and you wouldn’t have to stop children from calling each other names. But this is probably not your situation. If you overhear children calling each other names, but they are doing it quietly and no one seems to be getting upset, I would recommend that you make believe you didn’t hear it, as long as there is no chance you will get in trouble for this.

However, if the name-calling is more blatant, it is proper to stop them. You must do this, though, without any anger. Anger begets anger, and you will never really help children by getting angry with them when you are trying to educate them. Furthermore, when you get angry with them for the words they use, you let them know that these words are effective emotional weapons against you. So tell them as calmly as possible, “I’m sorry, but language like that is not appropriate in school.” Most children will immediately stop when spoken to this way. If they nevertheless continue, let them know what the consequences will be. Again, say with concern, “I’m sorry, but if you continue to use those words, we will have to…[state the consequences].” I can’t stress enough how important it is to say this without being angry. It should be clear to the child that you really don’t want to have to carry out the consequences, and that you have nothing personal against the child. If the child still continues with his unacceptable speech, then you must carry out the consequences, again, with remorse but no anger.

When you intervene in this way, it is important to refuse to play judge between the quarreling parties, even if one child seems very hurt by the insults. You are to show no interest in how the argument started, who started it, or what it’s about. The victim will be trying very hard to get you to take his side against the bully, but as I have stressed so much before, this would be a terrible mistake and make the problem worse.

The use of words that are forbidden in school is the only thing to be punished, not the hurting of feelings. It is not the bully’s fault that the victim is upset by words, and it is wrong to punish the bully when the victim really hurt himself. However, the victim should be given help to overcome his vulnerability to words, especially if this is a recurring problem for him. If you can help him on your own with the techniques you have been learning here, fine. If not, refer him to a counselor who knows how to help teasing victims. If you do not know such a person (and there is a strong possibility you don’t), refer him to the INSTRUCTIONS for teasing victims on this website, or better yet, give him a copy of my audio self-help CD, How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying.

Chapter Eight - THE MAGIC RESPONSES, PART 4

Situation Number Four: You see your children fighting.

Magic Response for Parents: Nothing.

Magic Response for Teachers: It depends.

For Parents: Incredible as it may sound in this anti-violence era, (with a few exceptions) you should do nothing when you see your children fighting with each other. Try to stop them, and it will only get worse. Walk around with a smile on your face, take care of your own business, and fighting will be kept to a minimum.

The instructions for you in this Situation (Number Four), seeing your children fighting, are essentially the same as for Situation Number Two (“Johnny hit me!”). If you haven’t read them yet, read them now. And pay attention to the Warnings! (Click here to get there quickly.)

In addition to the instructions in Situation Number Two, you need an explanation of playfighting. As discussed in one of the boxes in the previous section, Our Mistaken Attitudes About Children’s Aggression, playfighting is not fighting; it is playing. It is an essential biological need and is programmed into our genes. I don’t know of any research on this matter, but I am absolutely certain that children who are prevented from playfighting are deprived in both their physical and emotional development. Because playfighting is so important, Mother Nature rewards it with pleasure, and it is, in fact, about the most enjoyable thing that kids can do. Playfighting not only makes kids love each other, it is also a great way for parents to bond with their children. When people playfight, they are trying not to hurt each other, and it is probably a lot less dangerous than most sports.

I would estimate that at least 50% of the problem of sibling rivalry is cause by parents’ not understanding playfighting. They see their kids engaged in this aggressive, dangerous, “negative” activity, and try to stop them. Even when parents recognize that it seems to start out as fun, they complain that it always ends up as a real fight. But that is an illusion. The reason it ends up as a real fight is that the parent gets involved. If no parent is around, when one child gets hurt, he screams, and his brother stops and waits till he is feeling better to continue. But when a parent hears the scream and comes along to see what happened and who is to blame, they both try to blame the other, and then they really hate each other!

Therefore, when you see your children playfighting, be happy that they are involved in such a wonderful activity, and join in whenever you have the opportunity. Stop them only when they are doing it in the wrong place or time. Don’t let them playfight at the dinner table, in restaurants, or near sharp furniture or stairs where they can get seriously hurt. Don’t tell them not to playfight; just tell them to do it somewhere else, like the basement or outdoors.

For Teachers: If you are a teacher, chances are that you are or will be a parent someday. So please read the instructions above for parents. The principles are important to understand, and will help you with your own children at home. They will also help you understand children in general.

At home, parents should let siblings fight, with the exceptions mentioned above. If you witness fighting between children in school, though, you must treat it a little differently for a few reasons:

1. Close blood relatives are biologically programmed to love and support each other, which is why you will see human siblings, as well as animal siblings, help each other against external enemies. Therefore, when siblings fight, there is little danger that they will really try to hurt each other (as long as parents follow a strict policy, outlined above, of non-involvement). However, fights in school are generally not between siblings, and the combatants have no familial loyalty. When they have real, angry fights (as opposed to a play fight), they may, indeed, be trying to injure one another, and this must be prevented.

2. Schools are responsible for other people’s children, and must be particularly careful not to let them get injured. Otherwise, parents will be afraid to send their children off to school. And while parents will not sue themselves if their children get hurt at home, they may sue the school if their kids get hurt there. To schools’ credit, they do a great job at preventing injury, despite the occasional mishap. Statistics show that school grounds are the safest place for children to be, and there are far less injuries there than in either the home or neighborhood.

3. Schools have hundreds or even thousands of students, and keeping them in order takes far more effort than controlling a few siblings in the home. Therefore, to perform their educational role properly, schools require highly structured behavior. If fighting is permitted in school, chaos can erupt at any time, and education will be very difficult.

You have already learned what to do when kids complain to you about hitting you didn’t see. When you observe hitting, though, you probably have to do something.

The first thing you need to determine is whether the children are having a playfight or a real fight.

If it is a playfight, do not panic. They are playing, not fighting, and there is no real aggression. The chance of injury is low. Walk over and calmly tell them that this activity is not permitted in school and they must stop. When they see you in front of them, they may try to blame each other for the fighting. Let them know you are not interested and no one is getting punished. They just need to stop because roughhousing is not permitted in school.

If the fight is a real fight, then it needs to be stopped as quickly as possible. If it is not something you can handle yourself, call the security people. Once the fight is over, do not become an interrogator and judge. It is not important why they are fighting, and you are not looking to take sides. All that matters is that children were hurting one another, and this is forbidden. Whoever is guilty of hurting another child should be disciplined, and the motive is irrelevant.

I will not tell you how to discipline. Follow school policy as long as it is reasonable.

Much more important than disciplining the children for fighting is teaching them how to control their anger. Anger is the source of all relationship problems. When a child is constantly getting involved in real fights, the problem is not really the fighting. It’s not that he is having involuntary muscle spasms causing him to lash out at other children. The reason he is fighting is that he is not controlling his anger. Therefore, children who get into frequent fights should be referred for training in anger management. If your school has someone qualified to do this, that’s great. If not, don’t despair. The INSTRUCTIONS for teasing victims on this website should serve fine for teaching anger control. Or better yet, have him listen to a copy of my CD self-help tape, How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying. If you think these materials may not be appropriate for a child who is a bully, you are probably wrong. Most bullies do not see how their anger is causing their problems, just as victims don’t. Many bullies, in fact, see themselves as innocent victims trying to get back at their tormentors (the "victims" and their adult accomplices).

Hints For Teachers: When students bring up matters that divert you from your lesson, such as a problem with another student, politely ask, “Is this important enough for me to stop the lesson?” If they say, “No,” invite them to bring it up after class. You will be amazed at how often they just forget about it, because it really is not important to them. If they say, "Yes," let them talk. If you see it is not an emergency, tell them you'll deal with it after class. It won't take long for the kids to learn that there is no point in raising matters unrelated to academics unless there is true urgency.

Parents may confront you for not helping their children in their fights with other children. Explain to them how you would only be making matters worse by interrogating and judging, because they will end up fighting over you, and that your policy is to enable children to work out their own differences with others. Explain that you are there to teach academics, and that you trust the home, neighborhood, and church to do the job of social education. They will probably be grateful to you and respect you for this.

Chapter Nine - AN INSTANT COURSE IN HUMOR

The mystery of laughter, the best medicine

We all know the expression, “Laughter is the best medicine.” Science has been proving that this is more than a cute slogan. Experiments have been showing that when we laugh, our body actually produces chemicals that help us heal and make us stronger. Articles on humor have been appearing more and more frequently in magazines and newspapers, and people are being increasingly encouraged to use humor to improve their lives and relationships.

Humor is a mysterious subject. We all know when something is funny, but what makes something funny is not nearly so obvious. Being funny seems to be a gift; some people have it and some people don’t. The advisers telling us to be funny have great intentions, but they rarely tell us how to do it other than by putting a big red nose on our face or a silly hat on our heads.

Why don’t we get advice on how to be funny? Because few people, even the experts on human nature, are aware of what humor is all about. And with our current anti-violence social atmosphere, if it were clear what humor is really about, there is the danger that it would have to be outlawed. Allow me to explain.

Humor is violence

There are a number of different kinds of things that make us laugh. Among them are wordplays, children doing adult-like behaviors, and animals performing human-like behaviors. These things, though, rarely make us more than chuckle, and they comprise only a small part of the humor we enjoy in real life. The great majority of what we laugh at is people being stupid, clumsy, or miserable! And the worse they look, they harder we laugh!

Yes, all these years that we’ve been laughing, we’ve really been enjoying other people being wretched! We just haven’t realized it. Would you like to prove this to yourself? Then let me present you with a challenge: Tell me a good joke that doesn’t make anyone look bad. Don’t rush. Think about it over the next couple of days. Like everyone else, you should be surprised to discover that you can’t do it. Also, start opening your eyes and ears. Pay attention to what makes you laugh, whether it’s on TV, in a magazine, or in real life. You will come to the conclusion that we never laugh when people look smart, or generous, or capable, or brave. We only laugh when they look stupid, clumsy, or miserable.

The victim determines if the violence is comedy or tragedy

When you realize that humor involves either emotional or physical violence, don’t become depressed, thinking, “Oh, no! I just discovered I’m a sadist!” You are not a sadist. If someone really got hurt and you enjoyed it, then you might qualify as a sadist. But an essential ingredient of humor is that no one is really injured by the violent words or actions. The target of the insult does not get mad or upset, so no one’s feelings were hurt. The clown falls down, but he bounces right up again, and we know he’s OK. However, if the clown falls down and it turns out he really had an accident and needs to be taken to the hospital, we stop laughing and feel terrible. The important thing for us to understand regarding the subject of teasing victims is that it is the victim who determines whether or not he is hurt. If you make fun of someone and he gets upset, he turns the incident into a tragedy. If he laughs, then it’s a comedy.

The gap in the experts' knowledge

Now, you aren’t the only one who hasn’t known that humor involves the enjoyment of violence. The experts on human behavior, those who shape the national policies on society and education, don’t know it either. Pick up any education or psychology textbook and look up the words "laughter," "comedy," and "humor" in the index. Chances are that you will find little or nothing on the subjects. If aliens came to Earth and tried to learn about human beings from our professional textbooks, they would never guess that we have a sense of humor. Yet humor is one of the most important things in the psychology of people and in our daily lives. We love humor and can’t get enough of it. Without it, life would be absolutely miserable – we would be able to tolerate neither others nor ourselves. Humor is a major factor in resilience. It helps us to heal from illness and to face the most difficult life situations. A person without a sense of humor is either autistic, depressed, or suffering from some other serious illness.

Another subject our professional educators and psychologists don’t understand well is teasing. Again, look this word up in the textbooks, and you will find almost nothing. Even though it is a major cause of children’s emotional suffering, most of the experts charged with educating and counseling our children don’t understand teasing. Few know what to do about it other than to punish the bullies.

This lack of professional knowledge about humor and teasing is also why you will be told to use humor without being given any instructions. Because to have you be truly funny, and not just making corny wordplays, you will have to be verbally violent! But it is taboo to be verbally violent today, especially after Columbine. So you’re being told to be funny, but you stand to be in deep doo-doo if you actually say something worthy of a good laugh. In the past year or so, in fact, a number of people in the public eye have had their careers seriously damaged for making jokes that didn’t even hurt anyone’s feelings. My supervisor at my New York City Board of Education job has an excellent sense of humor. Once upon a time ago, he used to tell jokes that would have us rolling in laughter. Now, he tells lame jokes that elicit groans. (Allan, if you're reading this, don't be mad. You really do have a great sense of humor, and I love you).

Humor requires courage

If you know any people who are truly funny, you will sense that they are people who have guts. They do what the rest of us are afraid to do. What gutsy thing do they do? They make fun of people! But the thing is, they don’t hurt people. They make people feel good! Have you ever gone to a comedy club? The comedians stand there making fun of people in the audience, and the audience loves it. Customers who get overlooked by the comedian probably feel cheated! Also, the best teachers are the ones who use humor. The students love them and listen to them with rapt attention because they don’t want to miss any of the jokes. The truth is that humor has always been a wonderful thing and still is; it’s just become more dangerous to use it because of the increasingly anti-violence climate of the country.

Why humor feels good

Mother Nature rewards creatures with pleasure when they do things that are biologically necessary. Since laughing is so enjoyable and healthy, it means that it must be good for us to see others portrayed as fools. Does this make us evil? No! It is just the way we are. Our ancestors have been laughing at people’s stupidity for millions of years, and this trait has become biologically programmed right into our genes. That is why we start laughing from the time we’re babies, without anyone having explained to us what is funny.

Why should it be so pleasurable to see others being fools? Because, like all other animals, we have a need for superiority -- to be better than our competitors. The most important trait of human beings is intelligence – more than anything else, this differentiates us from the other animals and is responsible for the incredible success of our species. Everyone wants to be smart. The easiest way in the world for us to feel smart is for someone else to look stupid. It’s like winning a soccer match by having the opponents kick the ball into the wrong goal. You don’t do anything, and you win! When others are being fools, an inner voice within us says, “Ha, ha, ha! Look how dumb he is! I’m much smarter than that,” and “Thank God it’s him and not me!” These thoughts are not usually conscious. It’s just that biologically it has to feel good to be smarter and more capable than others.

Victims have a defective sense of humor

But there’s another part of the equation. To have a complete, healthy sense of humor, it is not enough to be able to laugh at others. If it’s good for us to laugh at other people, whom are they going to laugh at? Obviously, it has to be OK for others to laugh at us. And the truth is that none of us are perfect. We all have things about us that can be laughed at. Even our positive characteristics can be portrayed in a way that makes them look bad, and thus funny. An essential characteristic of an emotionally healthy person is that he knows he’s not perfect, and can take a joke about himself and make a joke about himself. Psychologists are still wondering what was wrong with the Columbine killers and the other students who committed massacres. They are having difficulty because the essential human trait of humor is not part of their diagnostic manual. But the most accurate way of diagnosing what was wrong with these murderers is that they had a deficient sense of humor: they couldn’t take a joke about themselves. And this is what is wrong with every victim of relentless teasing. Fortunately, as you have been learning in this website, this is a deficiency that is easy to correct with the right approach.

The value of being funny

You certainly want the children in your care to develop a sense of humor, so they can become more resilient and happy. And if you are a teacher, you would like to be funnier so that your students will learn better, and so that school will be more fun for both you and them. But you are faced with the dilemma: since humor is a form of violence, how can you do this without getting in trouble? Now, I am not a true expert in teaching people how to be funny, and I am not nearly as funny as I think I should be, but I believe I can help by giving you a clearer understanding of humor.

Five levels of humor

There are five general levels of humor. (I am excluding things like wordplays. My concern is only in the most common type of humor, the kind that makes us feel really good, which requires making people look bad. It may be more appropriate to call it comedy). The higher the level, the more risk is involved. They are as follows:

1. Jokes about imaginary people. These include things like, “Did you hear the one about a guy who goes into a bar…” These are completely safe because the person does not exist, so we don’t have to be afraid anyone will be offended and try to retaliate.

2. Jokes about real people who are famous. This includes all the Monica Lewinsky jokes. Sure, President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky are real, but they don’t know us, and they don’t personally care about us. Because most of us aren’t important enough to hang out with them, they will never know we made fun of them, so we can’t get in trouble.

3. Jokes about people we know, behind their backs. This type of humor is very common. For instance, we sit around the lunchroom talking about a colleague or supervisor who isn’t there at the moment, saying things we wouldn’t dare say in his presence. This is mildly risky because word may get back to him that we made fun of him.

4. Making jokes about ourselves. This is risky because it requires openly admitting our faults to others. Not everyone has the internal strength to do this, because our nature is to try to show how wonderful we are.

5. Making fun of people right in front of their faces. This is the highest form of the art of humor, and involves the most risk. There is the danger that the person will be truly offended. To pull this off successfully, we have to know the person well enough to know he can take a joke without getting upset. But this kind of humor is also the most enjoyable. Good friends can do this with each other. In fact, it’s impossible for two people to be good friends if they can’t allow themselves to make fun of each other. It is also what happens when you go to a comedy club. People pay money to have comedians stand up and make fun of them. Chances are you feel cheated if he made fun of most of the audience but overlooked you.

Five ways to be funny

Now that you have all this theoretical information, how do you use it? That depends on whether you are a parent or a teacher. If you are a parent, your relationship with your children is informal. You spend lots of time with them at the dinner table, in the car, in front of the TV, etc. Within the walls of your home, you have lots of opportunity to use all five levels of humor without having to worry about getting in trouble.

However, if you are a teacher, you have to be much more careful about what you say. You can have your career destroyed for the crime of making a joke!

You may be expecting the advice I give on using humor to follow my outline of the five levels of humor I just defined. Unfortunately, life isn’t always as neat as we would like it to be. Instead, it will be based on the safest and healthiest ways to be funny.

1. Making fun of yourself. This is appropriate for both teachers and parents. It is the absolutely best thing you can do for several reasons. One is that you will be modeling to the children the attitude of health: that I am not perfect, and I can laugh about my imperfections. After all, if even the teachers can make fun of themselves and enjoy being laughed at, then certainly we should all be able to. A second reason is that it is perfectly safe. No one else can claim to be hurt when you make a joke about yourself. You can even make fun of your religion, your skin color, and your sex, things that may otherwise be taboo, when you make the jokes about yourself.

2. Making fun of imaginary people. This is like the “This guy goes into a bar…” joke. No particular ethnic, religious, or physical characteristics are being made fun of. It’ll make people laugh, but no one can get hurt. If you are a teacher, though, you probably won’t have too many opportunities to make such jokes if you are trying not to stray from the material you are trying to teach.

3. Making jokes about ethnicity, religion, gender, sex, or physical characteristics. Teachers: Don’t even think about it! Aside from the fact that you can lose your job, you may actually be hurting children who share the traits being ridiculed. Even if there are no such children in your class or school, you are not making your students better people by fostering bigotry. Maybe we’ll be fortunate to live long enough to see a society in which everyone enjoys making fun of each other and no one is stupid enough to get hurt by it, but we shouldn’t hold our breaths. Parents: you can be more relaxed about making fun of people’s traits. There isn’t much chance of getting in trouble, though you may be turning your kids into bigots if you don’t make extra effort to teach them to respect people’s differences. If you are going to joke about other groups of people to your children, it is essential that you joke about your own group’s characteristics as well.

4. Making fun of famous people. Fortunately, this is still acceptable in society. However, if you are a teacher, you still have to be careful about offending people who identify with those you ridicule. If you want to play it safe, don’t make such jokes in school unless you really know your audience.

5. Making fun of your children. Making fun of the people right in front of you is, of course, the highest and most difficult form of humor. In order to pull this off successfully, you have to be sure that the child will laugh at the joke and realize that you are not being serious. This is especially true if you are a teacher. Never be angry with the child you are making fun of, because that means you see the child as an enemy and want to hurt him! It should be obvious to all listeners that you like the child you are joking about. If you are a teacher, remember the instructions in item 3 about ethnicity, religion, gender, sex, or physical characteristics. You don’t want to get fired! Another important rule is that if you are going to allow yourself to joke about kids, it has to be a two-way street. They should be allowed to make jokes about you, too. After all, what lesson will you be teaching if it is OK to make fun of others but others are not allowed to make fun of you?

I know this list is not all-inclusive, and I may be missing some important situations. However, I hope it gives you some useful guidelines for adding humor in you life.

Good luck. I hope you enjoyed this Revolutionary Manual.

Sincerely,
Izzy Kalman

The Golden Rule Solution to Racism - Chapter One

The Golden Rule - The Only Solution

 

What do we want? For everyone to treat each other like friends. This is the Golden Rule: Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself. 2400 years ago, Aristotle explained that if everyone lived by the Golden Rule there would be no need for government. If we all treated each other the way we would like to be treated, we would have Peace on Earth.

 

How can I get you to treat me like a friend? Can I do it be treating you like an enemy? Of course not! If I treat you like an enemy you will treat me back like an enemy. The one and only way I can get you to treat me like a friend is if I treat you like a friend. The problem is that we don't know what it means to treat people like friends. The Golden Rule is little more than a slogan for most people. We have no idea how to apply it. We routinely treat others like enemies without realizing it, and then we wonder why others are mean to us.

 

Many people think that the Golden Rule is needed by bullies and abusers. The truth is that it is needed by victims as well. If you are being repeatedly victimized, it's because you are not living by the Golden Rule.

 

This manual will teach you how to reduce prejudice by yourself, by applying the Golden Rule. The legal approach - trying to get people in trouble with the law for being mean to you - is not nice. It is a violation of the Golden Rule and should be considered only as a last resort, when you can't find a better way.

 

Focus on Anti-Semitism    

 

This manual is intended to be a guide for all groups. However, I will demonstrate the approach strictly for handling anti-Semitism (prejudice against Jews). Why?

 

It's not because I am a Jew (I am) or that I feel my group's problem is more legitimate or urgent than others'. It is because I don't want people complaining, "Who are you to tell my group how to live our lives and solve our problems?" So I will address the problems of my group, and I hope that you will be able to generalize the lessons to your group as well.

 

All groups are different, and Jews may be substantially different from yours. Jews, at least in the US, don't look substantially different from the mainstream white population, though our noses may be a tad larger on average, fewer of us have blond hair and blue eyes, and some of us dress differently. And we are, as a group, financially successful. Nevertheless, many people in the world still hate us and want to kill us. In fact, Jews may have the distinction of being the most hated minority in history. But regardless of what group you belong to, I believe that the Bullies to Buddies(r) approach to anti-Semitism will work for you, too.

 

My Personal Background

 

I'd like you to know about my own background. I grew up in the shadow of the Holocaust. My parents survived World War II (which ended in 1945) and were sent to a displaced person's camp in Munich, Germany. That was where they met, married, and had my sister. In 1951, they were allowed to immigrate to the USA - New York City (Hymie Town) - and one year later I was born in the Bronx. My dad apparently suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (I wasn't aware of that disorder when I was a kid), as he would often scream horribly in his sleep. Awareness of the horrific events of World War II and of my parents' experiences has colored the way I look at life. I've learnt we humans are capable of becoming monsters, and I'm rarely surprised by new examples of our inhumanity toward each other.

 

I attended Jewish schools from first grade through high school, and I always wore a yarmulka (Jewish skullcap). This made me a visible target of Jew haters. I was often derided verbally and occasionally attacked physically, a couple times quite seriously. Had these attacks happened in recent years, they may have made the local news. Society has become far more tolerant in recent decades, and physical attacks are much rarer than they were when I was growing up.

 

Despite the recurring attacks, I didn't develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (I believe today many mental health professionals would rush to assume PTSD would be an inevitable consequence of my experiences.) Nothing I experienced could compare with what my parents suffered, and I wasn't traumatized by attacks that seemed quite normal to me. I don't consciously harbor any bitterness towards non-Jews for the way I was treated and I have no desire for revenge. They helped me realize that the world is not Heaven. My motivation today is to help others stop suffering needlessly.

 

From this point forward, I will be talking about anti-Semitism. Please realize that it is merely one example, and despite specific differences between Jews and other groups, my intentions are universal.

 

The Failure to Eradicate Anti-Semitism    

 

For decades, a slew of Jewish organizations have been fighting anti-Semitism. You'd think the problem would be gone by now. Not so! Seems every new generation discovers an excuse to "get" the Jews, and our organizations have to ratchet up their activities again. We seem to be going around in circles. Why is it so hard to get the world to stop hating us?

 

I suggest that many of the things Jewish organizations have done to combat hatred of Jews have backfired. As I demonstrate at my seminars, our actions often accomplish the exact opposite of what we expect. Just as I teach victims how to stop being bullied without being against bullies, I'm going to show you how to deal with anti-Semitism without being against anti-Semites.

 

This will, of course, outrage some of my fellow Jews. They'll accuse me of blaming Jews for anti-Semitism. I want to make it very clear: I don't blame Jews, just as I don't blame any victims for the crimes committed against them.

 

I honestly don't believe or accept that anything we Jews have ever done-even the possible complicity in the killing of Jesus-justifies the way we've been persecuted.

 

For thousands of years other groups have treated us like enemies, and we want them to finally stop. However, we Jews have been so concerned with defending ourselves we haven't noticed we've been treating others like enemies. We'll only end anti-Semitism when we learn to treat the rest of the world like friends. As Mahatma Gandhi and Dr. King so eloquently taught: "Meet hate with love."

 

A Recent Example

 

I was inspired to write this manual on racism/anti-Semitism by the hullabaloo caused by an article entitled "The Jews" appearing in the October 2004 issue of The Chronicle, the Duke University student newspaper. (You can access the article at http://www.chronicle.duke.edu/vnews/display.v/ART/2004/10/18/4173b1de570... if it is still available Online). The author was a Black student, Philip Kurian, who was apparently inspired by a Palestinian conference at Duke. In response, massive protests were held by Duke's Jewish students as well as national Jewish organizations. The school subsequently organized a big "healing" conference to raise sensitivity and re-establish a feeling of trust on campus. One of the results was an apology issued by the author of the article.

 

Philip Kurian took some truths and half-truths and wrote an article that I would not consider totally objective. But what article is? Personally, I think Mr. Kurian made some good points, and I was impressed by his knowledge of Jews. I think he may know more about Jews and Judaism than many Jews. But it's amazing how much anger and upset the writer generated. The article itself would probably not have had any consequences on the well-being of the Jewish people, but the reaction to the article has. By giving so much attention and power to those who criticize Jews, we're unwittingly encouraging people to continue to rant against us. It's so easy and so much fun to get these Jewish crybabies upset!

 

The "Light" of Victimhood

 

For centuries, we Jews have seen ourselves as a "light unto the nations," meaning that it's our job to teach the rest of the world how to live properly. Unfortunately, we've been doing a lousy job of teaching the true lessons of Judaism - how to live by the Golden Rule. Instead, we've done an exemplary job at teaching other groups to see themselves, like Jews, as victims.

 

For the past sixty years, we've emphasized the Holocaust so much, not only to others but to ourselves, that Jewish identity has become almost synonymous with victimhood. Ask most people in the world what they know factually about Jews, and there's a good chance they'll say we were victims of the Holocaust. Our Holocaust museums have made it their objective to fight intolerance not only of Jews but of any ethnic and religious groups. Our organizations go into schools to teach about intolerance. And the students are learning well.

 

I believe we Jews can take credit for teaching the public that the worst thing that can happen to them is to have someone say something negative about their group.

 

I think it is high time our Jewish organizations stopped promoting a victim mentality and went back to teaching the Golden Rule. The rest of this manual will show how it can work.

The Golden Rule Solution to Racism - Chapter Two

Bullies to Buddies® Rule #1: Refuse to Get Angry

 

As I demonstrate at my seminars, when we get angry at people for doing things we don't like, we're actually encouraging them to repeat those actions, because when we get angry at others, we make them win. They get so much fun driving us crazy and making us look like idiots that it's impossible for us to get any respect. Furthermore, anger is what we feel towards an enemy, so when we get angry at people, we treat them like enemies. So how can we expect them to treat us like friends?

 

What do we Jews typically do when others criticize, insult, or blame us? We get angry! And that gives anti-Semites a great weapon to use against us. No matter how much power we may accumulate, no matter how intelligent or educated or talented we may be, they can easily defeat us by saying or writing things that we react to with anger and indignation. And since we're treating them like enemies, they stay our enemies.

 

Step One

 

In combating anti-Semitism we have to stop getting angry when people express their views against us. We need to stop giving them the pleasure of enraging us and, perhaps more importantly, we need to stop treating everyone who expresses anti-Semitic sentiments as enemies. We say we're against discrimination, but when we get angry at non-Jews for criticizing us, we're discriminating against them. Jews can criticize Jews, but non-Jews can't? Are we not all brothers? And are any of us truly perfect? We Jews see each others' faults and we criticize one other. Jewish newspapers are full of criticism of Jews. If we can criticize ourselves, why can't others criticize us, too? The idea that "We can criticize our own, but no one else can" is discriminatory and contrary to the Golden Rule. So is the idea that "They can't insult us for being Jews, but we can insult them for being anti-Semites."

 

Furthermore, we violate the Golden Rule when we get angry at verbal expressions of anti-Semitism. We believe it's legitimate for us to express anger at other groups, but they have no right to be angry at us. Where does this double standard come from? It comes from the victim mentality. It's the belief that since we're victims, we're automatically the good ones, so we're allowed to be angry and vengeful toward our bullies. Our bullies are bad, so they're not allowed to be angry and vengeful toward us. What brilliant moral reasoning!

 

Freedom of Speech

 

Freedom of Speech is the cornerstone of democracy, yet is so poorly understood even by citizens of democratic countries. For most people it is little more than a slogan. In my survey of four thousand mental health professionals and educators, virtually all of them answered, "Yes," to an item asking if they support freedom of speech. Yet about half of them answered affirmatively to an item asking if they believe children should be punished for saying things that can hurt others' feelings. I'm sorry to break the news to you, but the two don't go together.

 

Freedom of Speech is possibly the single most important principle for getting rid of anger. It's really the Constitutional version of the old "sticks and stones" adage. It recognizes the fundamental difference between physical and verbal aggression.

 

The results of physical aggression are objective: If you attack me physically and I get hurt, you're the one who hurt me.

 

The results of verbal aggression are subjective: If you attack me with words , it's up to me-not to you-if I feel hurt.

 

That's why the First Amendment protects us from being punished for verbally expressing ourselves. As long as the other person's words are not directly causing damage to our bodies or possessions, or preventing us from living or working where we choose, it's not a crime. When we get angry at people, it's because we believe they are violating our rights, e.g., "You have no right to talk to me that way!" When we realize that others do have the right "to talk to us that way"-it's guaranteed by our Constitution-we're less likely to get angry when people say things we don't like. Jews need not worry that we will lose respect when we start handling criticism and insults without getting angry. On the contrary-we'll be WINNERS and our respect will rise in the eyes of our detractors.

 

The Limits of Freedom of Speech

 

You're not convinced? You're resisting what I've said about Freedom of Speech, and you have a point. Freedom of Speech is not a simple concept to apply because words can, indeed, have very real and catastrophic results. I'm a great advocate of Freedom of Speech, but it has its limits.

 

Freedom of Speech applies where words have the potential of hurting people's feelings. It doesn't apply to situations in which the words directly result in damage to bodies and possessions. Thus, it doesn't cover the classic case of yelling "fire" in a crowded theater. And it doesn't cover threats of violence and incitement to violent. You can sue others in court for slander and libel (though these can be difficult to prove) because they can cause tangible damage to people's lives.

 

When Authority Speaks

 

Unfortunately, one area of speech that SHOULD be forbidden is largely being permitted. The words of authority figures have much greater power than those of ordinary people. When leaders tell people what to do, many go and do it. When leaders call for hatred and violence against other groups, they should be treated as committing acts of violence.

 

There are numerous countries in the world in which government and/or religious leaders are currently preaching hatred and encouraging violence against Jews and others, particularly Americans. I believe the official policy of any country that calls itself a democracy should be to refuse to conduct business with countries whose leaders preach hatred.

 

We're so concerned about fighting terrorism. Yet our government continues to foster friendly relationships with countries like Saudi Arabia that officially expresses anti-Semitic ideas and funds religious schools that teach hatred of both Jews and Americans. How can we have friendships with people who are creating the next generation of terrorists?

 

Similarly, when the leaders of our own country label other countries as evil, they are guilty of inciting violence. Our leaders imply that those countries don't deserve to exist because they are evil and that we have the moral right to destroy them. As a result, many of our own citizens will be eager to join the armed forces and go blow them up. And people in those other countries will feel incited to go blow us up because we have declared ourselves to be their enemies and believe we have the right kill them. 

 

While I criticize the large Jewish defense establishment for unwittingly contributing to the perpetuation of anti-Semitism, I need to qualify my criticism: I have no objection to their efforts in combating official expressions of hatred for other groups. When government officials, state-controlled newspapers, and religious leaders call for violence, that is incitement to violence and is not protected by Freedom of Speech. They deserve to be fought as forcefully as if they were bombing us.

 

The double standard of the victim mentality also allows some unconscionable actions to take place within our own borders. We occasionally hear of minority leaders calling for hatred and violence against the majority. We let them get away with this criminal behavior because we don't want to offend members of a "victimized" group. However, it is no more ethical for minority leaders to incite violence against the majority than the other way around.

 

The Golde Rule Solution to Racism - Chapter Three

Bullies to Buddies® Rule #2: Treat Criticism

as the Words of Your Best Friend

 

If we want people to be our friends rather than enemies, we have to treat their criticism as the words of friends. So what do Jews do? We respond as though anyone who criticizes us is our enemy. We should only treat people like enemies when they try to hurt our bodies or possessions. Otherwise, we need to consider their words, no matter how nasty or angry, as though they're trying to give us valuable advice. It doesn't mean we have to believe or do what they tell us, only that we should be grateful they've taken the time and effort to tell us what they feel or believe. Remember that old saying: "When three people tell you you're drunk, go lie down."

 

Here's the wrong way to REACT:

 

Anti-Semite: Hitler should have finished you all off!

Jew: How dare you say that!

Anti-Semite: It's true. You Jews are filth and ruin everything for everyone.

Jew: No we don't! It's bigots like you who ruin society.

Anti-Semite: I'm warning you! You're asking for trouble!

Jew: Yeah? What kind of trouble?

Anti-Semite: I'll send you to hell where you belong!

Jew: I'm calling the police. You'll rot in jail, where you belong, for hate crimes.

 

Now this is the right way to RESPOND:

 

Anti-Semite: Hitler should have finished you all off!

Jew: You know, a lot of people feel just the way you do.

Anti-Semite: And for good reason!

Jew: What's that?

Anti-Semite: You're the bloodsuckers of the planet.

Jew: What do you mean by that?

Anti-Semite: You all cheat and suck up all the money so the rest of us have to live like dogs.

Jew: Your life is really that bad?

Anti-Semite: Yeah, it is! I have to live in a trailer park while all of you live in the ritzy part of town.

Jew: Yes, we do tend to live in the expensive neighborhoods. Do you believe it's the Jews' fault you live in a trailer park?

Anti-Semite: Of course! You take all the good jobs and we have to live on public assistance.

Jew: Would you like to have a good job?

Anti-Semite: Of course!

Jew: You could get one the same way we do.

Anti-Semite: How's that?

Jew: By getting a good education.

Anti-Semite: Who's got money for a good education?

Jew: I see what you mean. But the truth is if you try hard enough, you can get a good education even without having a lot of money.

Anti-Semite: What're you talking about?

Jew: The government has lots of education programs for poor people. You just have to be motivated to work hard. If you want, I can try to help you find the right offices to go to.

Anti-Semite: Thanks. I'll think about it.

 

Of course, it might not turn out this nicely. But, as you can see, treating the anti-Semite as a friend has a much better outcome than treating him as an enemy.

The Golden Rule Solution to Racism - Chapter Four

Bullies to Buddies® Rule #3: Don't Be Afraid

 

Fear, by definition, is felt toward enemies. We don't need to fear our friends because they're not out to harm us. By fearing anti-Semites, we are treating them like enemies. Can we expect them to treat us in return like friends?

 

Furthermore, when we fear others, we put them in the stronger position and we automatically lose. All living creatures are biologically programmed to seek power and to win conflicts, so the very act of fearing anti-Semites actually encourages them to keep on doing what scares us. And since we're in the losing position, they can't respect us.

 

We hate those we fear. How can we expect to turn anti-Semites into our friends when we hate them? They'll hate us right back!

 

It's well known that the best way to reduce racism is by having contact between groups so that we can get to know each others as fellow humans rather than as stereotypes. But when we fear people, we avoid them. By keeping our distance from those we consider anti-Semites, we prevent the possibility of improving our attitudes toward one another.

 

Being Who We Are

 

Jews have often wanted to hide their identity to avoid discrimination and/or the embarrassment of being different. Most of us have abandoned outward display of our Jewishness, and many of us have changed our names to sound less Jewish. Ultimately, I don't think we can earn respect from the non-Jewish world by trying to disguise who we are, and it certainly doesn't increase our respect for ourselves. I have great admiration for those Jews, particularly the Ultra-Orthodox, who retain their traditional dress and customs with no concern that others will see them as strange or funny-looking.

 

Fear Makes Victims

 

When we fear others, we feel like victims, and victims tend to be self-righteous. Some of the nastiest, most vindictive people I've come across are people who feel like saints by virtue of their victim status. They think they're allowed to say or do anything because they're on the side of right. Thus, we Jews may sometimes say some pretty hateful things about those we perceive as hating us, not even realizing that we're sometimes being meaner to them than they are to us. We're unaware that such actions make us at least as bad as those we're condemning.

 

The ultimate road to peace is not to "hate your enemy," but to "love your enemy." Unfortunately, many Jews reject this idea because it's attributed to Jesus, and shun his teachings as a reaction to the long history of Christian persecution.

 

I was recently informed by a Jewish scholar that the idea of "loving your enemy" is also found in Jewish mysticism. Let's not forget that Jesus was born and died a Jew, and his moral teachings were Jewish teachings. If you think about it, "love your enemy" is the ultimate expression of the Golden Rule: since we would want our enemies to love us (which would stop them being our enemies), we have to love them, too. This is the only chance we have of turning them into friends.

 

True Fear

 

Not all fear is unjustified. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. We should fear those who have hurt us before. Millions of Jews have been killed by those who have hated us over the millennia and, of course, the possibility of further atrocities is always there. But we have to be realistic. Most of the individuals who hurt Jews in the past are already dead, and just because some people today hate Jews, it doesn't mean we have to treat them as though they were the same individuals that harmed us in the past.

 

In most countries today - at least in the ones where Jewish populations thrive - harming Jews is just as much of a crime as harming anyone else. They have legal systems to protect us, so we don't have to fear anti-Semites as though they're about to kill us. But by fearing them, as I've stated above, we're unwittingly increasing the likelihood they might do so. So, our fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I've heard many people criticize Jews as paranoid, and there's certainly some truth to that. For a group that has produced a disproportionately high percentage of mental health professionals, we should learn to give up this unhealthy attitude. Most people, especially in the world's democracies, don't hate us as much as we may think they do. Christian leaders, in particular, have made great strides in accepting Jews and denouncing anti-Semitism.

 

Nevertheless, many of us remain suspicious of Christians, and believe this new friendliness is only a step towards their true goal of converting us to Christianity. The truth is that many Christians do, indeed, befriend Jews with the hope of converting us. This doesn't mean they hate us and want to do us harm. From their perspective, they're doing us a favor. Wanting to convert non-Christians is part of being a Christian. If our Jewish identity is not strong enough to withstand their efforts, who's fault is that?

 

The Golden Rule Solution to Racism - Chapter Five

Bullies to Buddies® Rule #4: Don't Defend Yourself

 

This is the lesson that is the most fun for me to write. I will show how to handle insults and criticisms in ways that make the other side feel heard and will mellow their views. And occasionally you may elicit a laugh.

 

From whom do we defend ourselves - friends or enemies? When we defend ourselves, we're actively treating the other as an enemy. So we can't expect them to treat us like a friend, can we?

 

As nobody likes to be criticized, nicely or otherwise, defending ourselves becomes an easy trap to fall into. It happens to me even though I teach this rule so often. The most natural thing for us to do when we're criticized, insulted, or blamed is to immediately defend ourselves. Our intention is to win. But we automatically lose because the defensive position is the weaker one. It's uncomfortable to have to defend ourselves. So we put the other person in the stronger position, and they keep attacking to get us to defend ourselves.

 

Of course I'll defend myself if you're truly out to hurt me. And I'll defend myself if I'm on trial in a court of law. Otherwise I'll come out being a big loser. But most of life is not a court hearing. Few discussions and arguments have any real life consequences. We tend to passionately debate current events or issues of race and religion as though the fate of the world rested on the outcome. The truth, though, is that our debates usually make absolutely no real difference to anyone.

 

We tend to think of the defensive person as the good one and the attacker as the bad one. But there are two sides to aggression. One is attacking; the other defending. If you're giving me what you believe is valid criticism, and I start defending myself, trying to prove you're wrong, I'm not being nice to you; I'm being hostile.

 

Friend or Foe?

 

 

Now, for anti-Semitism. When Jews hear their religion or people being criticized or blamed, it's almost certain they'll start defending themselves. But rarely do these defensive efforts result in the other side changing their mind or increasing their respect for us. In fact, it's impossible to gain respect by being defensive. Why? Because it's the weaker, losing position. And since we're treating them like enemies, they don't care to understand us.

 

So now I'll give you some typical examples of Jewish defensive behavior. Then I will show how they can respond more effectively. The guiding principle will be to treat others like friends, and if they have something critical to say about Jews, they must have a good reason. Even if they're wrong, it doesn't make them my enemies. Instead of defending myself when they make what I feel to be outrageous accusations, I'll get them to defend themselves by asking - sincerely and without anger - why they believe that. I'll make an effort to understand what they're trying to tell me, and in the process, I may be able to enlighten them a bit. And maybe I'll learn something, too, even though I might not find it pleasant.

 

Foe to Friend

 

 

Stereotype #1 Jews killed Jesus.

 

The Doomed Defense

Anti-Semite: The Jews killed Jesus! You all deserve to burn in Hell for that!

Jew: We did not kill Jesus! The Romans did!

Anti-Semite: But you turned him in to the Romans and demanded to have him killed!

Jew: No we didn't! That's a big lie spread by Christians to justify persecuting us!

Anti-Semite: It is true. You just can't take it. You Jews will burn in hell forever for killing the Savior.

Jew: We didn't kill him! And he wasn't the Savior!

Anti-Semite: Yes he was! And you killed him!

 

Round and round we go, leading nowhere, endlessly arguing, feeding the hate. Let's try it again:

 

A Better Response

Anti-Semite: The Jews killed Jesus! You all deserve to burn in Hell for that!

Jew: You know, we may have had something to do with it.

Anti-Semite: You sure did! Jesus would've brought peace on Earth, but you Jews got him crucified.

Jew: Do you think I personally should burn in Hell?

Anti-Semite: Yes.

Jew: Even though Jesus died almost two thousand years before I was born?

Anti-Semite: Yeah! You've a stain on your souls forever because of your ancestors. Only the fires of Hell can purify you.

Jew: Do you think Jesus would want me personally to burn in Hell for what happened to him?

Anti-Semite: Why not?

Jew: Last year I saw the movie, The Passion of the Christ. Before Jesus dies, I remember him saying something like, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they're doing."

Anti-Semite: That sounds right.

Jew: Do you really think that a Jesus who loves everyone and died for our sins would want people to burn in Hell for sins committed by their ancestors thousands of years ago?

Anti-Semite: Well, maybe not. But I'm not Jesus, and it doesn't mean I have to forgive you.

Jew: You don't have to if you don't want to. I know it must be very upsetting to think that my ancestors killed your Savior.

Anti-Semite: It sure is.

Jew: I understand. And I hope I'll never be in a position where I cause the death of an innocent person.

Anti-Semite: I'm glad to see you learned something.

Jew: And thanks for your concern about our souls.

Anti-Semite: You're welcome.

 

Stereotype #2 Jews love money and are cheap:

 

 

The Doomed Defense

Anti-Semite: All you Jews care about is money!

Jew: That's not true!

Anti-Semite: Yes it is. You Jews are such cheapskates. Your greatest pleasure is counting your money.

Jew: That's a horrible stereotype! You're nothing but an anti-Semite!

Anti-Semite: It's not a stereotype. You Jews came to this country to rob the rest of us!

Jew: That's a dirty lie! We came here to escape persecution from people just like you in other countries!

Anti-Semite: Yeah? You ran away to save your hides after people got sick of you cheating them!

Jew: Where do you get your information? That's nonsense!

Anti-Semite: No it's not! You know it's the truth and don't try to deny it!

 

Again, nothing but endless hostility. 

 

A Better Response

Anti-Semite: All you Jews care about is money!

Jew: You think money's the only thing we care about?

Anti-Semite: Well, duh!

Jew: The truth is most of us do care a lot about money, but we care about other things, too.

Anti-Semite: Sure. Like cheating people.

Jew: Some Jews do cheat people. It's a source of great shame to the rest of us.

Anti-Semite: It should be.

Jew: And it is.

Anti-Semite: And you're all so cheap.

Jew: I have to say, we do like a bargain. How about you?

Anti-Semite: Yeah! But I don't spend my life trying to find the lowest prices on everything.

Jew: By the way, do you know why God created Gentiles?

Anti-Semite: No. Why?

Jew: Someone has to pay full price!

Anti-Semite: Ha! That's a good one. You know, for a Jew, you're not so bad.

Jew: Thanks. And for an anti-Semite, you're not so bad, either!

 

This time we may end up being friends.

 

Stereotype #3: Jews control Hollywood and all Western media

 

 

The Doomed Defense

Anti-Semite: Hollywood's run by Jews.

Jew: No it isn't!

Anti-Semite: It is too! You brainwash the whole country with your liberal views that destroy family values.

Jew: That's not true! We don't control Hollywood. And we're not destroying the family!

Anti-Semite: If Jews don't control Hollywood, what about all those big names? Goldwyn, Mayer, Warner Brothers, the Marx Brothers, Steven Spielberg, Barbra Streisand.

Jew: So there are some Jews in Hollywood. It doesn't mean Jews control it. There're lots of non-Jews in important positions. And the Jewish ones don't conspire together to push Jewish agendas.

Anti-Semite: Of course they do! Jews always stick together, and they have a program to push their left-wing ideas on everybody else.

 

Endless arguing. Now we'll treat the Anti-Semite as a friend:

 

A Better Response

Anti-Semite: The Jews control Hollywood.

Jew: It is amazing how many Jews work there.

Anti-Semite: Yeah, just about everyone is Jewish.

Jews: Maybe not all of them, but Jews certainly do occupy a high percentage of positions there. Did you know Jews were instrumental in creating the entertainment industry right from Hollywood's early days?

Anti-Semite: Jews practically invented it!

Jews: That's true. There're even a lot of Hollywood stars you'd never dream were Jewish because they changed their names.

Anti-Semite: Like who?

Jew: Kirk Douglas, Douglas Fairbanks.

Anti-Semite: You're kidding! They're Jewish?

Jew: Yep!

Anti-Semite: Wow! So there's a Jewish conspiracy in Hollywood to deceive the world!

Jew: You think there's a Jewish conspiracy?

Anti-Semite: Of course! Why do you think they changed their names? To fool the rest of us.

Jew: As far as I know, they did it to protect themselves. I think the movie producers were afraid the Gentile world wouldn't watch movies if they knew the stars were Jewish.

Anti-Semite: Is that true?

Jew: I'm quite sure that's the reason.

Anti-Semite: Well, I think it's because of a Jewish conspiracy to control the world.

Jew: I'm a Jew, and personally, I've never been invited to be part of such a conspiracy.

Anti-Semite: Well, maybe you're not important enough.

Jew: Could be, but I don't think that's the reason.

 

Although the Anti-Semite may not be having a major change in attitude, the interchange is a friendly conversation rather than an angry argument. The anti-Semite is letting himself hear some other explanations for Jewish behavior rather than the purely negative ones he's been harboring.

 

Stereotype #4: Jews control the economy.

(I'll keep it brief this time.)

 

 

The Doomed Defense

Anti-Semite: Jews control the U.S. economy.

Jew: No they don't!

Anti-Semite: Of course they do! Look at the names in finance. They're all Jewish!

Jew: No they're not. Some of them are, but not all of them!

Anti-Semite: Oh, there're a few token Gentiles, but everyone knows all the money's controlled by Jews.

Jew: That's a dirty stereotype!

 

A Better Response

Anti-Semite: Jews control the U.S. economy.

Jew: It's amazing how much economic power we Jews have in this country.

Anti-Semite: Yeah! You've taken over, and that's why you're all so rich.

Jew: Well, I'm not rich. But the truth is that no country in the history of the world has been as good to the Jews as the United States of America.

Anti-Semite: Yes, we have been good to the Jews.

Jew: Yes, you have.

 

Much better, isn't it? We're friends now.

 

Stereotype #5: Jews have big noses

 

 

The Doomed Defense

Anti-Semite: Why do Jews have such big noses?

Jew: We do not!

Anti-Semite: What're you talking about? Everyone knows they do! You could park a car under a Jewish nose.

Jew: Stop making fun of Jews! Our noses are no bigger than anyone else's!

Anti-Semite: Who're you kidding? You can spot a Jewish nose a mile away.

Jew: I've had enough! You're violating my rights! I'm going to report you for hate crimes!

Anti-Semite: Go right ahead, crybaby!

 

Not a very good way to make friends. Let's try it again:

 

A Better Response

Anti-Semite: How come Jews have such big noses?

Jew: You mean you don't know?

Anti-Semite: No. Why?

Jew: Because air is free!

Anti-Semite: Ha! That's a good one!

Jew: Thanks.

 

This will defuse the situation. He'll respect me for not taking myself and my group so seriously. Humor is the best icebreaker. Hope you got the message.

 

The Golden Rule Solution to Racism - Chapter Six

Bullies to Buddies® Rule #5: Don't Attack

 

Who do we attack-friends or enemies? Enemies, of course. So we shouldn't attack others, even if they attack us first. Here, I'm not referring to instances in which our attackers are truly intending to injure or kill us!

 

We tend to think of attacking as the province of bullies. The truth is that most attacks, and certainly the most vicious, are carried out by people who feel like victims. A major problem of the victim mentality is that it equates weakness with virtue; people who feel like victims believe whatever they do is right because they're the "good guys". It's hard to combat this warped way of thinking because the anti-bully/pro-victim mindset has permeated society. That's why society so readily excuses minorities for their belligerence. After all, they're weaker, so their anger and hostility are justified.

 

We Jews are so used to thinking of ourselves as victims that we don't recognize when we act like bullies. We can't stand it when others attack us, but don't think twice about attacking them. But past victimization does not exempt us from living by the Golden Rule in the present.

 

Name Calling         

 

We have countless organizations and individuals acting as watchdogs with their ears, eyes, and noses ready to detect anti-Semitism. As soon as someone, especially anyone in position of power, says something that belittles or criticizes Jews in any way, our watchdogs eagerly pounce to brand them as anti-Semites. This is especially true whenever anyone, God forbid, compares some atrocity to the Holocaust. And for some strange reason, despite all of our attacks against anti-Semites, they keep at it.

 

We seem to forget that "anti-Semite" is not a compliment. It's an insult, and people don't enjoy being called anti-Semite any more than we Jews enjoy being called Kike. It's an attack, and when we label others that way, they don't experience us as being their victims; they experience us as being bullies. If anything, it confirms the way they feel about us.

 

It's possible that some people feel so ashamed when we call them anti-Semites that they repent and commit themselves to only saying nice things about Jews. But most folks are not like this. They resent us for insulting them and they fight back. They angrily deny they're anti-Semitic and try even harder to prove that their views are correct and not a result of bigoted distortions. So instead of our attacks stopping attacks against us, they lead to a continuation and escalation of hostilities. No wonder our pro-Semitic watchdogs haven't succeeded in staunching the stream of anti-Semitism.

 

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not against combating anti-Semitism. When Jew-haters cause us physical or financial harm, or threaten to do so, they're criminals and should be stopped and punished. I'm only against fighting anti-Semitism when it's unnecessary or counterproductive to do so.

 

What's in an Insult?

 

Disliking Jews and expressing that dislike are not crimes. People should have the freedom to think and say what they want about us as long as no tangible damage is done. If we want the freedom to insult anti-Semites, we have to give others the freedom to insult Jews. Our attitude should be: Say what you want; just don't kill me, rape me, burn my house down, or prevent me from competing in the job market.

 

Very often, the people who get called anti-Semites really are not; they may not even care enough about Jews to want to insult them. In fact, they may even like Jews. It's just that they occasionally happen to think that something Jews are doing is wrong. And sometimes they're right! Maybe we'll even learn something of benefit if we treat criticisms as the words of our friends.

 

The Holocaust: A Sore Spot for Jews

 

Jews often go on the attack when someone compares an atrocity to the Holocaust. Jews have earned a reputation as fine abstract thinkers, yet when it comes to the Holocaust, our thinking becomes downright concrete. We have to realize that when an event is compared to the Holocaust, it doesn't necessarily mean it's exactly the same - only that it's similar in some way.

 

We need also to remember what celebrities have learned: that bad publicity is better than no publicity. When someone compares an atrocity to the Holocaust, even if it's an inaccurate comparison, they're helping to keep alive the memory of that event as the ultimate example of man's cruelty to man. Rather than attacking them, we should be grateful.

 

The Golden Rule Solution to Racism - Chapter Seven

 

Bullies to Buddies® Rule #6: Show Your Are Hurt, Not Angry

 

This is probably the subtlest of the rules. But the truth is that you hardly have to use this one if you use the other ones - especially Rule Number Two - because very little will actually hurt you.

 

If you hurt me, how do I want you to feel about what you did to me? I want you to feel sorry. I want you to apologize. Then I'll forgive you, and we'll go back to being friends as usual.

 

But what happens when others hurt us? We tend to get angry. Anger is a biological response to pain or fear of pain. So let's say you hurt me and I get angry at you. What feeling am I showing you? Anger! And what will you probably feel towards me? Since anger tends to bring out anger in the other person, you will get angry back at me. Do I want you to be angry at me if you hurt me? Of course not. I want you to feel sorry. So if I get angry at you for hurting me, I will get the exact opposite of what I want. Instead of you feeling sorry and apologizing to me, you are angry at me as though I should feel sorry and apologize!

 

But let's say you hurt me, and all you see is that I am hurt. I am not angry in the least. How will you probably feel about what you did to me? Sorry! Which is exactly what I want. So if you hurt me, I will only let you know that I am hurt, sincerely, but without any anger.

 

So what do we do when others hurt us by attacking our group? We get angry! And then we wonder why our attackers keep on attacking us instead of repenting.

 

Almost everyone makes this mistake. We get angry at people instead of showing them our pain, and then we wonder why they don't feel sorry. Why do we make this mistake?

 

It's because we are programmed for life in Nature. If you hurt me when we were living in Nature, you may have been intending to injure or kill me. I had better get angry or you will demolish me in an instant.

 

But we don't live in Nature any longer. In Civilization, there are laws against injuring people. You are not allowed to physically hurt me or you can go to jail. Today, it is not necessary for me to get angry with you when you hurt me because you are not trying to send me to the hospital. In fact, you may be trying to help me, but I am too sensitive about what you're saying. So all I need to do is let you know how you hurt me, and then you will probably feel bad about it.

 

If we want to get anti-Semites to stop attacking us, we need to stop getting angry at them. All we need to do is tell them sincerely how they are hurting us, and as long as we don't fall into the trap of slipping into anger, we are more likely to get what we want. Here is an example.

 

Wrong Way

Anti-Semite: Hitler should have finished the job.

Jew: How dare you say something like that?!

Anti-Semite: It's true! The world would be a better place if the Nazis had gotten rid of every last one of you!

Jew: Oh, I can't believe you are actually saying something like that!

Anti-Semite: Well, it's true. And not only that, you Jews exaggerate how many actually were killed. Six million my arse! It was probably no more than six thousand!

Jew: I can't believe someone could actually believe that today? Are you an idiot? Haven't you seen the pictures of all the bodies?

Anti-Semite: Sure! And I didn't see millions of bodies. Thousands at most. And don't call me an idiot?

Jew: Why? It's okay for you to say Hitler should have finished off the Jews, but it's not okay for me to call you an idiot?

 

This of course leads nowhere but endless hostility.

 

Better way

Anti-Semite: Hitler should have finished the job.

Jew: What do you mean?

Anti-Semite: He should have killed all the Jews.

Jew: I can't tell you how sad I feel when people say that.

Anti-Semite: But it's true. The world would be a better place if the Nazis had gotten rid of every last one of you.

Jew: I know a lot of people think like that, but it still hurts to hear it.

Anti-Semite: Why should I care if it hurts you?

Jew: You don't have to. It's just that I'm sure that if you realized that we are flesh and blood human beings just like yourself, you probably wouldn't think such things. And I guess it scares me that if it could have happened to my ancestors in Europe, it could happen to us here, too.

Anti-Semite: But it didn't really happen in Europe. You Jews exaggerate the Holocaust to get sympathy from the world.

Jew: I know it's hard to believe that the Nazis systematically exterminated six million Jews, and I know the number can't be 100% accurate. But I do know that my dad lost his whole family.

Anti-Semite: Maybe he was an exception.

Jew: It would be great if he were. But my mother also lost many relatives. And if you talk to anyone whose parents or grandparents lived in Europe during World War II, you would find they all had lots of relatives who were killed just for being Jews.

Anti-Semite: I still think Jews exaggerate the Holocaust.

Jew: Many people think that. But do you know how painful and scary it is to know that people want me dead just because of my ancestry. Do you actually think I did something to deserve it?

Anti-Semite: Well, maybe not you personally, but Jews in general.

Jew: Why?

Anti-Semite: Because Jews are evil.

Jew: If you were to get to know us, I don't think you would continue to feel that way.

Anti-Semite: Why would I want to get to know Jews?

Jew: Just try it. I'm having some friends over next weekend. I'd be glad to have you come hang out with us.

Anti-Semite: No way!

Jew: What are you so afraid of? That you'll discover you like gefilte fish?

Anti-Semite: What's a gefilte fish?

Jew: You never heard of gefilte fish? Come and you'll find out.

 

Now we've made some progress. And the Jew doesn't sound like an angry fool.

 

The Golden Rule Solution to Racism - Chapter Eight

Bullies to Buddies® Rule Number Seven: Don't Tell on Bullies

 

We are so concerned about getting people to be nice to each other, but we easily forget that one of the meanest things you can do to people is try to get them in trouble with the authorities. If you're not sure about this, try the following experiment. The next time you hear your neighbors yelling at their children, report them to your local child abuse prevention agency - and let your neighbors know you were the one who made the call! You'll see how popular you become in your neighborhood. (I am not referring to incidents of true abuse, only yelling.)

 

Unfortunately, modern society is increasingly encouraging people to be informers. The government passes laws making all kinds of bullying behavior illegal, which means that we no longer have to deal with mean people on our own. We can now turn to the legal authorities to punish people whenever we don't like the way they treat us. We are telling kids in school, "telling is not tattling." Zero-tolerance policies in the workplace are directing employees to complain to management whenever a coworker does something that upsets them. Our country put so much effort into toppling the "Evil Empire" known as the Soviet Union, only to be emulating their abominable practice of instructing their citizens to inform on their comrades - including their own parents! - for violating Party rules. "Big Brother" does not require sophisticated electronic surveillance to deprive people of their freedom. All that is needed is a citizenry trained to inform on each other to the authorities.

 

While the government can punish us for upsetting people, regretfully it can't force us to like and respect one another. If I get you punished for the crime of insulting my racial or religious group, are you going to want to make a charitable donation to my group and invite me over for dinner? You'll probably feel like blowing us up!

 

When people are doing or saying things against Jews - as long as there is no immediate threat to our bodies or property - about the worst thing to do is rush to report them to the authorities. Instead, we should talk to them directly, not with anger, but as to friends. Ask them sincerely why they are doing or saying it. If there is something wrong about their motivation or understanding, let them know what their mistake is. If they insist on continuing to do what you believe is wrong, talk to them again, but without anger. Pain, yes; anger, no.

 

If their actions are breaking the law, tell them something like, "I would hate to see you getting in trouble." The implication is that you are trying to protect them from punishment by giving them a chance to stop their illegal activity. If they still insist on breaking the law, then it is appropriate to inform the legal authorities. But only do so if their actions may result in objective harm to people. Just because something is technically illegal, it doesn't mean that you must get the authorities involved. Jaywalking is illegal, but when is the last time you called the police on someone crossing on red? 

 

The Golden Rule Solution to Racism - Chapter Nine

Bullies to Buddies® Rule Number Eight: Don't Be a Sore Loser

 

Life is like a game. It may be far more serious than a game, and we play "life" without being asked if we want to play. But there are similarities nonetheless.

 

No one wins all the time. But if I go into a rage, stay bitter, and try to get back at you when I lose, I lose triply. Once - I lose the game. Twice - I lose your respect by getting angry and looking like an idiot. Triple - my loss becomes perpetuated, as I continue suffering after the game is over.

 

No one likes sore losers, and you won't want to play with me again. Except, perhaps, to have the fun of getting me into another rage and having me look like an enormous idiot.

 

Another thing that is likely to happen is that I will overreact to future losses. My pent up resentment is unleashed with every new loss. We will never become friends if I don't let go of my resentments toward you.

 

On the other hand, if I lose gracefully, commend you for having played better than me, and make a decision to try to play better next time, you will respect and like me. I will have turned my loss into a social gain.

 

Jews seem to have made it part of our culture to remember our past defeats and keep them fresh in our minds. Perhaps this has helped keep us together, but it has also helped keep us apart from the Gentiles. We have difficulty trusting them because we suspect they are capable of doing to us what their ancestors did to ours. And they can't respect us because we look like sore losers who can't get over our past losses. Thus, they may keep on being mean to us, as we have unwittingly created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

In recent years, Jews have come across like sore losers in our attempts to get European countries and their banks to make restitution for money and property lost to Jews who perished during World War II. It is perfectly okay for individual Jews to bring lawsuits because they have clear proof of property that was confiscated. But class action lawsuits are another matter. These lawsuits have succeeded in getting millions of dollars to be distributed to individuals and to Jewish groups, but I wonder if these millions were worth the price. They caused tons of ill will between Jews and Europeans and seemed to confirm the stereotype that the only thing Jews care about is money. Six millions Jews dead, and fifty years later we want their material possessions.

 

Of course not all Jews who survived the Holocaust rebounded. But as a group, we can be very proud of them. They started over in new countries, often without any professions and with little knowledge of their new homelands' languages and culture. Within one generation, their offspring are mostly middle class and higher. The millions of dollars won through class action lawsuits may have brought temporary help to some individuals and groups, but money is quickly spent and forgotten. In the long scheme of things these awards may have made little difference to our wellbeing. But if the closing chapter of the saga of the Holocaust is the story of our haggling over money, we will have permanently eroded respect for ourselves and our ancestors.

 

Every group in the world has lost people and possessions in illegal ways. Many groups have been wiped off the face of the planet. Some have morphed into different groups. Some were scattered over other countries and continents. If justice requires that all property obtained illegally be returned to its original inhabitants, every one of us would be kicked out of our homes and be in the impossible situation of trying to figure out where on Earth we belong. So let's stop being sore losers. We should be grateful we are still here and aspire to do better in the future.

 

It's about time we Jews stopped thinking like victims and treating everyone like enemies. People do have a right to think and talk badly of us, just as we do of others. Maybe we'll even learn something of value from their criticism, so we should thank them. We should only act when others commit true crimes against us. And even then, we need to do it in the right way.

 

Good luck!

 

The Golden Rule Solution to Racism - Chapter Ten

Closing Thoughts: Racism and the Entertainment Media

Hollywood and Racism

 

Television is blamed for so much of what is wrong with society. I'm not an apologist for the entertainment industry. I certainly don't think everything it presents is worthwhile, I do believe most people spend way too much time being "entertained," and I think television has done more to destroy social life than any other single factor. However, it seems we only hear about the harm it causes. Since television isn't about to disappear, we need to recognize its beneficial sides.

 

I strongly believe television has been a major factor in reducing racism, which has been on a steady decline in recent decades, and I think television has had more to do with this than the combined efforts of legislators, school programs, and tolerance organizations.

 

How does racism get reduced? By contact between groups. When we get to know each other as human beings, the stereotypes dissolve and we become more tolerant and compassionate toward each other. Most people tend to limit their close relationships to those of their own groups, so we have limited opportunity for close contact with other groups. Television brings people of all backgrounds right into our living rooms. We love entertainment because it's great fun to suspend reality while vicariously living through the characters' experiences. Watching a good movie or show can be a more effective learning tool than the best lectures, which is why more people eagerly pay to attend movies and plays than lectures.

 

Movies as Lessons

 

Recently, during a flight, I got to see the movie, Remember the Titans, starring Denzel Washington as a Black high school football coach. It's hard to imagine any lecture or seminar doing a better job of promoting racial tolerance than this film. And Remember the Titans isn't unusual. Many movies and shows have a similar effect.

 

I recommend Remember the Titans for a couple of additional reasons.

 

One: I was impressed by how the protagonist refused to let anyone treat him or the Black students as victims in any way. He was, in effect, illustrating my lessons on anti-Semitism and the victim mentality.

 

Two: there's a great locker room scene that illustrates what I teach about humor. One kid insults another kid's mother. That kid gets mad and wants to fight the kid who insulted his mother. Then a third kid saves the day. He insults another kid's mother. In a matter of seconds, they're all insulting each other's mothers and laughing their heads off.

 

Three cheers for Hollywood.