Chapter Five - THE MAGIC RESPONSES, PART 1

And now for the best part of all. I will be teaching you how to respond when children are teased and bullied. If you strictly follow my simple advice, most of you will experience quick and dramatic reduction in the aggressive incidents between the kids. However, I would like to warn you that you might have trouble believing that the improvement is really due to your new approach. Why? Because we’ve heard the illogical slogan, “There are no easy solutions,” so often that we have come to believe it. Therefore, you may think the improvement is only coincidence: the kids “just happened” to grow up and decide to stop fighting at the same time you read this website. Or you may think that it was due to a more tangible reason, like they had finals to study for and had no time left to fight. And there’s a strong third possibility: when things get better between your kids, you may quickly forget that they ever had an aggression problem and that you did something wonderfully effective about it. That’s because as we get busy with life’s new problems, we tend to forget the old ones that went away.

Well, what’s so terrible about that, as long as the problem was solved? There are three things that are wrong with it:

1. If you do not realize that what you are doing really works, it is only a matter of time before you fall back into your old ways. Then the teasing and bullying between the kids will return as badly as ever, and you will be convinced that this approach doesn’t work.

2. There are many other adults who need help in dealing with children’s aggression. If you do not appreciate the effectiveness of the approach you are learning here, you will not refer other parents and teachers to this website, and many people who could use the help will continue suffering needlessly.

3. I am only human, and I have an ego. I have invested a great deal of time and effort, as well as some money, into creating and running this website that provides you, free of charge, with solutions that are priceless. Is it too much to hope that you give me some credit for making your lives better? The only way that can happen, of course, is if you recognize that my remarkably simple instructions are what made the difference.

It’s important, then, that you properly evaluate the results. Start by making a realistic assessment of your current situation. Estimate the average time per day you are engaged handling problems between your kids (whether your children or your students). Commit the amount to memory or, better yet, write it down. One week from now, again estimate the amount of time you are spending on the problem.

Then compare the two amounts. If you have been following my instructions precisely, you should find that you are spending at least 80 or 90% less time on your children’s interpersonal problems. And don’t think it just means they stopped bringing you their problems. They will actually be having fewer problems. They will actually be getting along better. They will actually be building resilience. They will actually be learning to handle problems independently. And they will actually be happier. You will, too.

So please! If you do see the great results I promise, don’t attribute them to anything else. After years of doing it your way, if the problem suddenly gets better, take my word for it -- it’s not a coincidence. It really is because of you, because of your new approach. Appreciate that a simple change in your attitude can make dramatic changes in the behavior of those around you. And if you like what happens, please send all the educators and parents you know to this website. Let’s get the revolution rolling!

SITUATIONS AND RESPONSES

There are four basic kinds of situations of aggression between children that you commonly encounter:

1. Kids complain to you of being called names.
2. Kids complain to you of being hit.
3. You witness kids calling names.
4. You witness kids hitting.

How to deal with them will also depend upon whether you are a parent or a teacher. This Lesson and the following three will each deal with one of these situations.

A general note about school: Before we begin with the details, I would like you to consider the proper place of school in the education of the child.

Every minute spent in school handling interpersonal problems is a minute taken away from education. Students are all-too-eager to get away from academics. When they discover their teacher is willing to stop what he’s doing to deal with social problems, it is child’s play to fill up the school day with problems.

How can this be prevented? By having teachers make it their official policy that class time is for academics. And by having parents support teachers’ efforts to minimize time spent on children’s interpersonal problems. (The instructions on this webpage will make that possible).

A general note about bullies: The word “bully” has negative connotations. The general attitude of adults is that the bullies are bad and must be made to stop their bullying. I, though, am not judging the bullies. I refer to kids as being bullies only in the sense that they apparently have the upper hand in the bully/victim interactions. We are to consider them as being no better and no worse than victims. In fact, we are to consider them as necessary for the learning of social skills. Childhood is a time when children practice the skills they will need in their adult lives. If they don’t learn how to deal with aggression in their formative years, how in the world are they going to know how to do it when they are adults? It is more useful to see bullies as the social sparring partners of our children. Bullies give our children the opportunity to learn to deal with aggression, an essential life skill, and we are to be grateful to them rather than angry. Our job is not to protect the victims from the bullies, but to teach the victims how to defeat the bullies – by not getting upset.

Situation Number One: “Johnny called me a x@z#$%*!”

Magic Response (for both parents and teachers): “Do you believe it?”

This is probably the most common situation of all. One child comes to you complaining that another child insulted him. What he wants you to do is get mad at the bully and hopefully punish him. If you do this, things will only get worse. The best response in the world is the four magic words, “Do you believe it?” It goes like this:

Child: Johnny called me a x@z#$%*!

Adult: Do you believe it?

Child: No!

Adult: Good!

And that’s all there is to it! The child has nothing more to say, and the incident is over in record time.

This response accomplishes a number of things:

1. It places responsibility directly upon the shoulders of the victim, where it should be. Whether or not he is upset is entirely up to him, not the bully. When he says he doesn’t believe it, he becomes aware that there is really no problem.

2. When you say, “Good,” that he doesn’t believe it, you are letting him know you are happy he is doing the right thing.

3. Since you are not punishing the bully, the bully does not become mad at his victim or at you, so there is less chance of escalation or retaliation.

4. It shows the kids that since you don’t think the name-calling is a big deal, neither should they.

There is, of course, the possibility that the child will say, “Yes,” when you ask if he believes the insult. Then you should handle it this way:

Child: Johnny called me a x@z#$%*!

Adult: Do you believe it?

Child: Yes!

Adult (With sound of amazement): You mean you believe you’re a x@z#$%*!?

Child: No!

Adult: Good!

What if the insult is something true, like having freckles? Then handle it like this:

Child: Johnny called me a freckle-face.

Adult: Do you believe it?

Child: Yes!

Adult: So what’s the problem?

At this, the child will probably have nothing to say, and just walk away. There is a chance, though, that he may ask you to tell his bully to stop. Don’t fall into the trap of helping him. Answer like this:

Child: Johnny called me a freckle-face!

Adult: Do you believe it?

Child: Yes!

Adult: So what’s the problem?

Child: Tell him not to say it!

Adult: If it bothers you, you should tell him!

What the child really wants is for you to do the dirty work for him. When you tell him to talk to the bully, don’t be surprised if he just forgets about it and does nothing. After you respond in the above manner a few times, he will realize that he can’t get you to fight for him, and the incidents will become history.

If you have a particularly persistent child who seems determined to get you to do something against the bully, then you should handle it in a way that makes it clear to him why it would be a mistake for you to do what he wants. It goes like this:

Child: Johnny called me a “freckle-face!”

Adult: Do you believe it?

Child: Yes!

Adult: So what’s the problem?

Child: Tell him not to say it!

Adult: If it bothers you, you should tell him!

Child: I keep telling him, but he doesn’t listen.

Adult: If I tell Johnny to leave you alone, is that going to make him like you more, or hate you more?

Child: Hate me more.

Adult: And if he hates you more, will he be nicer to you, or meaner to you?

Child: Meaner.

Adult: And will it make him like me, or hate me?

Child: Hate you.

Adult: So is it going to do any good if I tell him?

Child: No.

Adult: That’s right!

Child: So what should I do?

Adult: When Johnny calls you names and you get mad, does that make him happy or sad?

Child: Happy.

Adult: That’s right. Do you want to make him happy when he calls you names?

Child: No.

Adult: So stop getting mad. If he calls you names and you don’t care, will he feel smart or stupid?

Child: Stupid.

Adult: That’s right! So let him call you names all he wants. After a while, he’ll get tired and stop.

Point to remember: Your moral upbringing may make it hard for you to accept the idea that you shouldn’t do anything to the bully. Our guiding principle should be that it is not permitted to hurt people. When a victim feels hurt by names, it is not really the bully who hurt him. It is the victim who hurt himself. Therefore, it is never appropriate to punish the bully when a victim tells on him for name-calling.