The rash of tragic school shootings, epitomized by Columbine, shocked the modern world. It emerged that these horrific incidents were committed almost exclusively by victims of teasing and bullying. In response, parents, educators, and mental health professionals have been advocating for the right of children to go to school without fear of bullies. Since then, schools nationwide have been adopting anti-bullying programs and regulations.
Despite their wonderful intentions, many of these anti-bullying measures are having only minor success in reducing the incidence of bullying in schools. In fact, many educators have informed me that bullying in their schools has increased since implementing anti-bullying programs.
There are reasons for the limited success of anti-bullying programs:
1. When experts tell students how terrible it is to tease and bully other kids and that these behaviors shouldn’t be tolerated, it may get some kids to be more considerate towards others. However, this message is a double-edged sword. It also gives students the message that they should get upset when they are on the receiving end of teasing and bullying. Thus, when they are picked on, instead of shrugging it off – which is the smart thing to do, they are more likely to think, “How dare they treat me that way!” Getting upset by bullying has the unintended effect of perpetuating bullying.
2. Students are being instructed that “telling is not tattling.” They are being encouraged, and in some schools even forced, to tell whenever anyone bothers them or when they witness others being picked on. Informing the authorities on people is about the best legal way to get them to hate you and to want revenge against you. If you are not sure of this, try this simple experiment: The next time your neighbors do something you don’t like, call the police on them.
3. School personnel are being required to intervene when kids quarrel. Unfortunately, this almost always escalates hostilities. In fact, most of the bickering and fighting that goes on between kids is actually caused unwittingly by the attempts of adults to make kids get along. Thus, educators are being required to do the very thing that makes kids fight.
While adults are fighting for the right of kids to be free of teasing and bullying, few realize that this right has existed all along. It is guaranteed by the US Constitution, in the First Amendment of The Bill of Rights. It is called “Freedom of Speech.” Freedom of speech is actually the Constitutional version of the age-old slogan, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me.” About ninety percent of the incidents we call bullying are actually name-calling, and even most physical fights begin with verbal insults. Kids call each other bad names, they get angry, they threaten each other, and before you know it fists are flying. When kids know how to practice freedom of speech – lettings others say what they want without getting angry or trying to stop them – they don’t become victims of relentless teasing and bullying. Unfortunately, instead of promoting freedom of speech, the anti-bully movement is suppressing it. In our effort to protect our kids from aggression, we are depriving them of the solution to aggression.
The solution to aggression is also embodied by the Golden Rule. This requires “treating others the way you want to be treated.” In other words, you are to treat others like friends even when they are treating you like an enemy. By doing so, you turn your enemies into friends. Unfortunately, the anti-bullying programs violate the Golden Rule. They require people to be even meaner to bullies than the bullies are to their victims. You’re not sure about this? I’ll give you the following choice. Let’s say we work together and I don’t like something you did. In response I will either (a) call you an idiot (or the insult of your choice) a thousand times, or (b) get you in trouble with your boss. Which would you prefer? You almost certainly would choose (a), because getting you in trouble with your boss is a much worse thing for me to do to you than insulting you. Yet we are suspending kids from school and sometimes even expelling them for the terrible “crime” of name-calling.
Two ways of helping victims
If you are a victim of bullying, there are two basic ways to solve your problem. One way is by forcing everyone in the world to stop bullying, and then you will be free of bullying. The other way is by teaching you how to stop being a victim.
However, even the best-researched anti-bullying programs claim only a 50% reduction in bullying. If your happiness depends upon the success of the campaign against bullies, you will spend the rest of your life in misery.
On the other hand, if you know how to handle bullying, you don’t have to wait for the world to change. Your problem is solved in no time.
And that is the purpose of this book. It solves the problem of victims in the most efficient way possible: by teaching them how to turn their bullies into buddies. The beautiful thing about this is that it creates a win/win situation. When victims stop being victims, bullies stop being bullies. And the adults win, too, because they have better things to do with their time than mediate endless conflicts between children.
The ideas in this book may seem radical because they are contrary to almost everything that is being said and done today about bullying. But the truth is that there is absolutely nothing new in this book. My teachings are totally consistent with the wisdom of the ages. Whether your spiritual hero is Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, the Buddha, Confucius, Gandhi, the Founding Fathers, or Martin Luther King, Jr., you should love what this book does for your children and students.
Thank you for giving this approach a try.
Best wishes,
Izzy Kalman