Frequently Asked Questions

“Is that your face,
or did your
neck throw-up?”

1. What is the difference between teasing and bullying?

Different bullying experts have different ideas about the difference between teasing and bullying. Most of them think that difference is in the intention of the person doing it. Accoring to this, the teasing is intended to make the victim laugh, while bullying is meant to hurt the victim. This distinction is used by adult authority to determine whether a kid should be punished. If the insulter was just "teasing," then then the bahavior is not so bad and perhaps doesn't deserve punishment. But if the teaser was intending to upset the victim, then that is bullying and needs to be responded to more harshly.

While I think this is makes sense, it does not describe well what goes on in the life of the victim and is not useful for our purposes. You can make fun of someone with the intention of making them laugh, but they will become angry with you, and you will get angry in return. What began as something playful was turned by the victim into a hostile situation. On the other hand, you can make fun of someone because you are angry with them and want to upset them. But they can respond in a way that defuses the situation, takes your anger away, and turns your attitude toward them into a friendly one. So ultimately, what's really important for helping people deal with insults is not the intention of the insulter bt the response of the victim.

As far as using this distinction for deciding whether to punish the insulter, it is irrelevant. We are fortunate to have Freedom of Speech in democracies, and people should not be punished for insults regardless of their intention. Speech should only be punished if it resulted in tangible damage to people's bodies, property or freedom. Insults that only hurt people's feelings are not to be punished regardless of the intentions of the insulter.

The way I see it, the term "teasing" refers to actions that are intended to make the victim feel ridiculed and foolish. Mostly this happens through name-calling, spreading stupid rumors, or things like pasting funny signs on the unwitting back of the victim. As long as this upsets the victim, the teasers are the winners and will keep on doing it.

"Bullying" should refer to actions that make the victim scared of physical harm. The victim is afraid that the bully will beat him up or in some way cause damage to body or property. This gives the bully the satisfaction of having power and dominance over the victim. It may be used by the bully to extort money, food, or other possessions, though these are not necessary for it to still be bullying. As long as the victim is afraid of the bully, the bully is the winner and will continue to terrorize the victim.

It is commonly perceived that bullying (physical) is worse than teasing (verbal). I don't believe this is the case. Being ridiculed by peers day after day for years, is as devastating to the victim as being afraid of physical harm. Many victims have done away with themselves because of the misery caused by teasing, and they are just as vengeance-filled towards their tormentors as are those victims that are threatened with physical harm.

2. Izzy, why don't you treat the bullies? Why do you only focus on the victims?

I do, in fact, treat the bullies. I do it in the quickest, easiest, and best way possible, even though it doesn't involve doing anything directly with the bullies. I do it by teaching victims how to effortlessly defeat their bullies and stop being victims (see section How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying). There are no bullies without victims. When the victims are no longer victims, the bullies are no longer bullies. This is accomplished without getting anyone angry at anyone else, and without the punishment that actually entrenches the bullies and victims in their roles as bullies and victims (see A Revolutionary Guide to Reducing Aggression between Children). Very often, the bully becomes the victim's friend once the victim begins following the advice in this website.

Those who focus on bullies as the problem are acting as moral crusaders, trying to rid the world of evil. Their intentions are good, but, unfortunately, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Moral crusaders often cause more harm than good, which is why bullying is said to be going up during the same period that anti-bullying efforts have been increasing.

I am not a moral crusader. I am a mental health professional–a scientist–and my goal is not to stamp out evil but to help people by teaching them how to solve their problems on their own. This is not to say that I am not concerned with morality. But the way to make society more moral is not by punishing bullies but by teaching them how to treat their bullies like friends. This is the essence of the Golden Rule.

If I am a moral crusader, the crusade is not against bullying but against hypocrisy, for hypocrisy is the greatest danger to society. And the anti-bully movement represents the height of hypocrisy. (See:

• Bullying Survey Results Or The Hypocrisy of the Anti-Bully Movement Chapter One: Power
• Bullying Survey Results Or The Hypocrisy of the Anti-Bully Movement Chapter Two: The Unfair Assault Against Schools

3. I can understand not doing anything when it's only mild teasing, but what if the teasing is really cruel and repetitive?

Adults feel that it is morally imperative to intervene when the teasing is really cruel and ongoing. However, the only reason teasing escalates to such a degree is that the victims (and the adults who try to help them) are getting upset at the bullies and trying to make them stop. When the victims follow the simple advice in this website, even the harshest, most relentless teasing quickly stops.

4. But don't the bullies also have emotional problems that require treatment?

First of all, it is important to understand that both victims and bullies can be completely normal kids, with no social/emotional problem other than the one they are having with each other. It happens because one child makes the simple mistake of getting upset at being teased (see Know Why You are Teased), and is made worse by the adults' attempts to make them get along (see How We Teach Our Children to be Hurt By Words). A vicious cycle is created that doesn't end until the victim learns how to make the bullying stop.

Certainly bullies may have problems that require treatment, and I always offer help to whoever complains of suffering. Since it is the victim who suffers the most in the bully/victim relationship, the victim is usually the one who is calling out for help. Therefore, I spend much more time helping victims than bullies. Many bullies, though, actually are victims as well. They may feel picked on by parents and siblings at home, and they try to regain a sense of power by picking on other kids. I help these bullies exactly the same way that I help any other victims.

The truth is that the distinction between victim and bully is largely an artificial one, resulting from the external appearance of the bully being more aggressive than the victim. This makes us think of the bullies as the "bad guys" and the victims as the "good guys." But then we become surprised when we find that the worst acts of violence are caused not by the "bad" bullies but by the "good" victims, as was the case in all the school massacres. Bullies usually feel they are the real victims, because the "victims" get mad at them, call them names, threaten them, and get them in trouble with adults. Thus they are double victims -- of the victims, and of the adults who punish them. The instructions for adults (A Revolutionary Guide to Reducing Aggression between Children) minimize the creation of bullies, and the instructions for victims (How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying) are about as useful for bullies as they are for victims.

5. Does low self-confidence cause kids to become victims?

On the rare occasion that psychology textbooks mention teasing, they usually say that it is the result of low self-confidence or self-esteem. This, though, is not accurate. It is true that kids with poor opinions of themselves are more likely to become victims of relentless teasing than kids who are confident. That is because they are more likely to get upset when others call attention to their faults. But even the brightest, most confident of kids will become the victims of ongoing teasing if they make the simple mistake of trying stop the teasing. It is much more correct to say that teasing causes low self-esteem rather than the other way around. There is nothing that makes a person feel lousy about himself like being the brunt of constant ridicule by peers.

6. Do bullies have a moral defect that makes them cruel to others?

Adults almost always judge bullies as "bad," meaning that there is something morally wrong with them. Based on years of work with aggression, I strongly reject this view. The truth is that we are all bullies. I have shown this hundreds of times, even with the most gentle and ethical of people. You can check this out with the following experiment. Tell someone (it doesn't matter who, because it is universal) that you want to play a game. Their job is to call you names, and your job is to make them stop. If you can stop them, you win and they lose. When they call you names, start becoming upset and angry. Warn them and threaten them that they better show you respect or they'll be sorry. You will discover that they smile, laugh, become really cool and confident, and just keep on going. Eventually, give up. Then say you will play the game one more time. This time, just let them do it all they want and stay perfectly calm. You will see them becoming increasingly frustrated and they will stop before long, even though it means they have to accept defeat. Notice that they never enjoy it when you are calm. They only enjoy it when you are upset. Do this experiment with enough people, and you will come to the inevitable conclusion that everyone enjoys driving other people crazy. We are all that way. Hard as it may be to accept, we are all bullies at the core. The "bullies" are really no different from us, and unless we are willing to condemn ourselves as immoral, we shouldn't condemn them either.

7. Have you done any research to prove that your methods work?

Cleveland State University, in conjunction with PSI Solutions, Inc., is currently undertaking a multi-year research study on the Bullies to Buddies program, and results thus far are promising.

Furthermore, I have been keeping records of my work. This is what is called a retroactive study. My success with individual victims of teasing and bullying is about 89%, and the great majority experience improvement within one week, which is why I can offer a money-back guarantee for my treatment of victims fo bullying.

If you happen to be on the staff of a university, child study center, or foundation (preferably in the New York metropolitan are) that has the resources to support me in conducting and publishing serious journal-level research in my method (which I believe to be the best way that exists for ending teasing and bullying), please get in touch with me.

8. May I download your material from the website?

Yes, you may download the material in my website. In case you haven't noticed, most pages have the following statement below the title: "This material is copyrighted. You may copy it and pass it on to others as long as the author is acknowledged." Though I have already produced my instructions for victims in audio CD for sale (How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying), and have a book on the subject for sale, I am providing this manual for free on the website. My friends think I am crazy for doing this. However, I feel the information in this site is too important to deny it to anyone who needs it for the sake of making a few bucks. That is why I will continue to have the material free on the website even while it is also available for sale. However, I obviously prefer that people buy the materials if they can afford it. I am not a non-profit organization, and don't have the luxury of being supported by other people's money, so all the time and expense of creating and maintaining this website are entirely my own. My family is tired of being poor. So please buy my materials before my wife leaves me for some rich guy.

9. How can I buy your books and manuals?

You can buy my materials through this website. Go to the Wisdom Pages Bookstore. If you would like large quantities, you can arrange for special rates by emailing us at Miriam@Bullies2Buddies.com or calling me or my wife, Miriam, at (718) 983-1333.

10. Can you come to our school?

Yes, I can come to your school or organization to speak. Unfortunately, I probably won't be able to do it for free. I get no outside funding for what I do, and I will probably have to take time off from my job to come. Therefore my time and expenses will have to be paid for. There are many professional speakers who charge $5,000 or more per day. I am a cheaper, even though I will probably be of more benefit to you than most of those high-priced guys/gals ever will. To get more information, go to the pages on Workshops and School Violence Prevention Programs.

11. Do you offer counseling services?

Yes, I offer counseling services. They can be obtained either face-to-face in my Staten Island, NY office, or over the phone. I can help people with many types of relationship problems, though I would like to emphasize help for victims of bullying and for sibling rivalry in this website. My fees are reasonable and I give money back guarantees if you are not completely satisfied with the results. For more information, visit the Counseling and Counseling by Phone pages.

Back to Top