Adults Manual
“Now that my mouth was successfully cleaned out with soap, let’s get started on my brain.”
For Parents and Teachers
A Revolutionary Guide to Reducing Aggression between Children
by Izzy Kalman, MS
Chapter Seven
THE MAGIC RESPONSES, PART 3
Situation Number Three: You hear children calling names
Magic Response for Parents: Nothing.
Magic Response for Teachers: It depends.
For Parents: That’s right. Don’t do anything. It’s the easiest thing in the world. Take the attitude that it’s perfectly OK to call names, and name-calling won’t become a problem. If you pay close attention, you will often see that when they are calling each other names, they aren’t getting upset, but are actually enjoying themselves. However, if you step in to stop them, you are sure to see a fight immediately erupt.
Don’t worry that by permitting name-calling, it will happen more often. Just the opposite – by allowing it, it will lose its attraction and it will happen less, without any effort on your part.
Are you worried that if you allow them to call bad names at home, they will do it in other places, too? Give your children more credit than that. They are not so stupid! Children are excellent at discovering what is acceptable behavior in different settings. You may have already noticed that they treat their teachers with much greater respect than they treat you. They would never dare talk to them the way they talk to you. Have you also noticed that while they can be such monsters at home, they behave so nicely at other peoples’ houses? So you see, you don’t have to worry that they will use these names indiscriminately.
If you try to stop your kids from calling each other names, you will be teaching them that words are something they should get upset about. Do you really want to handicap your kids in this way? Just because the majority of parents do this to their children, it doesn’t mean you should, too.
What if you still feel it’s important to actively teach your children that it is not proper to use certain words? How can you do it without getting angry and punitive? It’s really very simple. There are two basic steps:
1. Instead of thinking that kids have no right to use bad language, tell yourself, "They have every right in the world to talk badly, and I am not going to take this right away from them."
2. Without getting mad, say something like, “We don’t use words like that in our family.”
Do not sound angry at all when you do this, because you shouldn’t even be angry. You are talking to people you love and care about, and love and care are the only emotions you should convey when you guide them in the proper way to talk. If you talk to them with love, they will probably feel embarrassed and may apologize for having used those words. If they nevertheless continue to say them, just ignore them. Don’t get mad at them and don’t punish them no matter how ugly their speech is. If you get mad at them, you will not be making them stop. You will be making them continue, because the purpose of bad words is to get us mad. Only talk to them when they are talking to you in a manner that you feel is respectful. Realize that you are the boss, and that your kids need you more than you need them. Don’t answer them when they are rude, and they will have no choice but to talk to you respectfully. Most important, you should realize that in the long run, when children grow up to be independent adults, they end up behaving remarkably similar to their parents. The best way to teach our children to talk nicely is by talking nicely ourselves. If we don’t use bad language, they will grow up not using it either.
For those of you who are brave, I would like to go even one step further. When you hear your kids calling each other names, join in! Call them names! Call your spouse names! You will discover that rather than everyone getting upset by this, they will laugh their heads off. You will be having great fun. And they won’t hate you for it. They will love you for it. This is what comedy is really about – people making fun of each other. As long as you are not mad at people when you make fun of them, they will enjoy it. Why should humor be a form of pornography, something that we can only enjoy by watching paid actors doing it on TV? Reclaim it for your own lives, and let your family enjoy. It is the best way to teach your children not to get upset by names, and you will increase their emotional health. After all, what is an emotionally healthy person? Is it someone who takes himself so seriously that he gets upset when he is made fun of? Or is it someone who knows he’s not perfect, and can take a joke and make a joke? Obviously, it’s the latter one. So foster health in your children, and join in the fun-making!
For Teachers: First of all, you should read the instructions for parents, just above. The basic principles are no different for teachers than they are for parents. However, the school situation is not as simple as the home. How you should respond when you hear children in school calling each other names depends primarily on the reality of your school situation.
As a teacher in a school building, you do not have the same liberty that parents have within their own homes. You have to take into account your school policies, administration, fellow teachers, and parents. The way you handle matters between children can bring repercussions from school administrators, from other teachers, from parents, and from any combination of the above. Plus, in a learning institution, behavior has to be more proper and controlled than it generally is within the home. So you must take these factors into consideration.
In an ideal school (in my view), school policy would allow total freedom of speech, and you wouldn’t have to stop children from calling each other names. But this is probably not your situation. If you overhear children calling each other names, but they are doing it quietly and no one seems to be getting upset, I would recommend that you make believe you didn’t hear it, as long as there is no chance you will get in trouble for this.
However, if the name-calling is more blatant, it is proper to stop them. You must do this, though, without any anger. Anger begets anger, and you will never really help children by getting angry with them when you are trying to educate them. Furthermore, when you get angry with them for the words they use, you let them know that these words are effective emotional weapons against you. So tell them as calmly as possible, “I’m sorry, but language like that is not appropriate in school.” Most children will immediately stop when spoken to this way. If they nevertheless continue, let them know what the consequences will be. Again, say with concern, “I’m sorry, but if you continue to use those words, we will have to…[state the consequences].” I can’t stress enough how important it is to say this without being angry. It should be clear to the child that you really don’t want to have to carry out the consequences, and that you have nothing personal against the child. If the child still continues with his unacceptable speech, then you must carry out the consequences, again, with remorse but no anger.
When you intervene in this way, it is important to refuse to play judge between the quarreling parties, even if one child seems very hurt by the insults. You are to show no interest in how the argument started, who started it, or what it’s about. The victim will be trying very hard to get you to take his side against the bully, but as I have stressed so much before, this would be a terrible mistake and make the problem worse.
The use of words that are forbidden in school is the only thing to be punished, not the hurting of feelings. It is not the bully’s fault that the victim is upset by words, and it is wrong to punish the bully when the victim really hurt himself. However, the victim should be given help to overcome his vulnerability to words, especially if this is a recurring problem for him. If you can help him on your own with the techniques you have been learning here, fine. If not, refer him to a counselor who knows how to help teasing victims. If you do not know such a person (and there is a strong possibility you don’t), refer him to the INSTRUCTIONS for teasing victims on this website, or better yet, give him a copy of my audio self-help CD, How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying.
