Adults Manual
“Oh, No! My kids are mentallly retarded! I’ve taught them 1,000 times not to fight but they’re still doing it!”
For Parents and Teachers
A Revolutionary Guide to Reducing Aggression between Children
by Izzy Kalman, MS
Chapter Eight
THE MAGIC RESPONSES, PART 4
Situation Number Four: You see your children fighting.
Magic Response for Parents: Nothing.
Magic Response for Teachers: It depends.
For Parents: Incredible as it may sound in this anti-violence era, (with a few exceptions) you should do nothing when you see your children fighting with each other. Try to stop them, and it will only get worse. Walk around with a smile on your face, take care of your own business, and fighting will be kept to a minimum.
The instructions for you in this Situation (Number Four), seeing your children fighting, are essentially the same as for Situation Number Two (“Johnny hit me!”). If you haven’t read them yet, read them now. And pay attention to the Warnings! (Click here to get there quickly.)
In addition to the instructions in Situation Number Two, you need an explanation of playfighting. As discussed in one of the boxes in the previous section, Our Mistaken Attitudes About Children’s Aggression, playfighting is not fighting; it is playing. It is an essential biological need and is programmed into our genes. I don’t know of any research on this matter, but I am absolutely certain that children who are prevented from playfighting are deprived in both their physical and emotional development. Because playfighting is so important, Mother Nature rewards it with pleasure, and it is, in fact, about the most enjoyable thing that kids can do. Playfighting not only makes kids love each other, it is also a great way for parents to bond with their children. When people playfight, they are trying not to hurt each other, and it is probably a lot less dangerous than most sports.
I would estimate that at least 50% of the problem of sibling rivalry is cause by parents’ not understanding playfighting. They see their kids engaged in this aggressive, dangerous, “negative” activity, and try to stop them. Even when parents recognize that it seems to start out as fun, they complain that it always ends up as a real fight. But that is an illusion. The reason it ends up as a real fight is that the parent gets involved. If no parent is around, when one child gets hurt, he screams, and his brother stops and waits till he is feeling better to continue. But when a parent hears the scream and comes along to see what happened and who is to blame, they both try to blame the other, and then they really hate each other!
Therefore, when you see your children playfighting, be happy that they are involved in such a wonderful activity, and join in whenever you have the opportunity. Stop them only when they are doing it in the wrong place or time. Don’t let them playfight at the dinner table, in restaurants, or near sharp furniture or stairs where they can get seriously hurt. Don’t tell them not to playfight; just tell them to do it somewhere else, like the basement or outdoors.
For Teachers: If you are a teacher, chances are that you are or will be a parent someday. So please read the instructions above for parents. The principles are important to understand, and will help you with your own children at home. They will also help you understand children in general.
At home, parents should let siblings fight, with the exceptions mentioned above. If you witness fighting between children in school, though, you must treat it a little differently for a few reasons:
1. Close blood relatives are biologically programmed to love and support each other, which is why you will see human siblings, as well as animal siblings, help each other against external enemies. Therefore, when siblings fight, there is little danger that they will really try to hurt each other (as long as parents follow a strict policy, outlined above, of non-involvement). However, fights in school are generally not between siblings, and the combatants have no familial loyalty. When they have real, angry fights (as opposed to a play fight), they may, indeed, be trying to injure one another, and this must be prevented.
2. Schools are responsible for other people’s children, and must be particularly careful not to let them get injured. Otherwise, parents will be afraid to send their children off to school. And while parents will not sue themselves if their children get hurt at home, they may sue the school if their kids get hurt there. To schools’ credit, they do a great job at preventing injury, despite the occasional mishap. Statistics show that school grounds are the safest place for children to be, and there are far less injuries there than in either the home or neighborhood.
3. Schools have hundreds or even thousands of students, and keeping them in order takes far more effort than controlling a few siblings in the home. Therefore, to perform their educational role properly, schools require highly structured behavior. If fighting is permitted in school, chaos can erupt at any time, and education will be very difficult.
You have already learned what to do when kids complain to you about hitting you didn’t see. When you observe hitting, though, you probably have to do something.
The first thing you need to determine is whether the children are having a playfight or a real fight.
If it is a playfight, do not panic. They are playing, not fighting, and there is no real aggression. The chance of injury is low. Walk over and calmly tell them that this activity is not permitted in school and they must stop. When they see you in front of them, they may try to blame each other for the fighting. Let them know you are not interested and no one is getting punished. They just need to stop because roughhousing is not permitted in school.
If the fight is a real fight, then it needs to be stopped as quickly as possible. If it is not something you can handle yourself, call the security people. Once the fight is over, do not become an interrogator and judge. It is not important why they are fighting, and you are not looking to take sides. All that matters is that children were hurting one another, and this is forbidden. Whoever is guilty of hurting another child should be disciplined, and the motive is irrelevant.
I will not tell you how to discipline. Follow school policy as long as it is reasonable.
Much more important than disciplining the children for fighting is teaching them how to control their anger. Anger is the source of all relationship problems. When a child is constantly getting involved in real fights, the problem is not really the fighting. It’s not that he is having involuntary muscle spasms causing him to lash out at other children. The reason he is fighting is that he is not controlling his anger. Therefore, children who get into frequent fights should be referred for training in anger management. If your school has someone qualified to do this, that’s great. If not, don’t despair. The INSTRUCTIONS for teasing victims on this website should serve fine for teaching anger control. Or better yet, have him listen to a copy of my CD self-help tape, How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying. If you think these materials may not be appropriate for a child who is a bully, you are probably wrong. Most bullies do not see how their anger is causing their problems, just as victims don’t. Many bullies, in fact, see themselves as innocent victims trying to get back at their tormentors (the "victims" and their adult accomplices).
Hints For Teachers: When students bring up matters that divert you from your lesson, such as a problem with another student, politely ask, “Is this important enough for me to stop the lesson?” If they say, “No,” invite them to bring it up after class. You will be amazed at how often they just forget about it, because it really is not important to them. If they say, "Yes," let them talk. If you see it is not an emergency, tell them you'll deal with it after class. It won't take long for the kids to learn that there is no point in raising matters unrelated to academics unless there is true urgency.
Parents may confront you for not helping their children in their fights with other children. Explain to them how you would only be making matters worse by interrogating and judging, because they will end up fighting over you, and that your policy is to enable children to work out their own differences with others. Explain that you are there to teach academics, and that you trust the home, neighborhood, and church to do the job of social education. They will probably be grateful to you and respect you for this.
