Victim’s Manual
Lessions:
“Don’t come out of your room till you decide you’re never going to be mean to your sister again!”
How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying
by Izzy Kalman, MS
Lesson Ten
DEALING WITH BROTHERS AND SISTERS
If your family is like most families in the world, you and your siblings (a fancy word for brothers and sisters, in case you never heard it) tease each other just about every day. If you want them to stop teasing you, the lessons I've taught you will work with them, too.
So why am I giving you a special lesson about brothers and sisters? Because there is one major difference: your parents. They make matters a little more complicated. In the outside world, when you stop other kids from teasing you, you are a complete winner with nothing to lose. However, at home, if you get your sibling to stop teasing you, you may losing something very important to you -- your parents' special protection!
If teasing is a problem in your home, this is what's happening. Your brother (or sister, of course) calls you a name. Then you get upset and tell your parents. Since your parents probably believe it's their job to make their kids get along, they are going to yell at your brother or maybe punish him. When your parents do this, it makes you real happy. You got your brother punished, and your parents, who are the most important people in the world to both of you, are on your side against him.
Now, if your brother stops bothering you, you will no longer be able to get your parents to defeat him for you! You will be giving up your great advantage over him! Many kids I've known actually preferred to continue being a teasing victim at home rather than give up the pleasure of keeping their parents mad at their siblings.
So if your parents are helping you against your siblings, you need to make a decision. What's more important to you: ending the teasing, or continuing to get your siblings punished? If you really hate your siblings, you may not want to stop getting them punished for teasing you. I can't force you to listen to me.
However, I hope that you will decide to have the teasing stop, even though it means you won't get your siblings in trouble any more. In the long run, you will be far happier. No matter how much you may hate your siblings, they really are much more important than your friends and classmates. While friends and schoolmates may come and go, your brothers and sisters will always be your family. When you have your own children, your brothers and sisters will be their aunts and uncles. Your siblings' children will be cousins to your children. In times of hardship, your brothers and sisters are more likely to want to help you than anyone else in the world -- if you stop being their enemy, that is. So it's really the best thing for you and your siblings to get along well rather than to continue fighting. Your parents will also be a lot happier when you get along.
So I hope you have decided to make your brothers and sisters stop teasing you. Just like with other kids, it's very easy. Just let them tease you all they want. Don't get mad at them, and don't tell on them no matter how terrible their insults are.
As I said earlier, your parents may complicate things. If they hear your siblings making fun of you, they may get mad and want to yell at them and punish them. Do not let them do this! Tell your parents that there is no problem, that it was just a joke and you're not upset, and that you can deal with your brother or sister on your own. Make it a rule to defend your siblings from your parents. Your siblings will be grateful to you when you prevent them from getting in trouble, and the truth is, your parents, too, will be overjoyed when they see the loyalty you have towards your brothers and sisters. Do not underestimate the importance of this. There is nothing that makes parents happier than seeing their children stick up for each other, even if it is against them.
When you stop telling on your siblings, they are going to stop telling on you, too. But it won't happen right away, because it will take them some time to realize that you have changed for good. So be prepared that for a few days, they will continue telling on you. That's perfectly OK. Let them tell on you.
Now I'm going to tell you something that you may not like to hear, but believe me, it is the absolutely best thing to do. Even if your siblings are lying about what you did, and make up a story about how you hurt them, do nothing, and don't get mad. And if your parents believe the story and yell at you or punish you or send you to your room, don't get mad at them, either. Don't argue about it, don't yell at them for blaming you unjustly, and don't try to get your punishment taken away. Just take the punishment like a hero! Now, this may sound crazy to you. How can you let your brother or sister get away with lying about you and getting you punished? You can do it because it's going to make you the real winner! First of all, your siblings are going to be totally blown away by this. They'll be amazed that you can be so nice to them, and that you are so tough that you can gracefully accept punishment for something you didn't even do! But they will also feel guilty for what they did! They're not crazy. They know that they lied, and that you didn't really deserve what they did to you. This is great! Let them feel guilty! This makes it a great victory for you. And most importantly, they probably won't want to do it again!
Not only your siblings, but your parents, too, will like you better for behaving this way. Your parents will be surprised that you aren't arguing with them about the punishment, and that you aren't even mad. Your mature behavior will impress them. After a short while, they will start thinking that maybe you didn't really deserve the punishment. Don't be surprised if they come along and let you off punishment. (By the way, it is a good idea not to get mad at your parents no matter what they punish you for). You know what else will happen? After a few incidents, your parents will no longer believe your siblings when they tattle on you. They will see that you're the mature one, and that your siblings are the babies, so their support will automatically go to you! By not doing anything at all, you will end up being the kid who gets the respect at home!
There's one last thing I would like you to know about brothers and sisters. Parents don't always understand this, because the adult world has become so afraid of physical and verbal violence. But the truth is that playfighting and teasing are tremendously fun activities. Unfortunately, these things stop being fun when parents step in to punish kids for fighting and name-calling. Playfighting and teasing, when they are done in fun, do not hurt. When you playfight, you are trying not to hurt each other, and when your partner lets out a scream of pain, you stop, because you don't want him hurt. And when you call each other names, it is simple fun, and no one's feelings are getting hurt. When you have this kind of fun with your siblings, it doesn't make you hate each other, it makes you love each other. So feel free to engage in playfighting and teasing, but make sure to let your parents know it is only a game, and that they have nothing to worry about.
Well, that's it. I wish you a lot of luck, and hope that your days of being ridiculed are soon over. I would also like to hear from you after you follow this advice. Click on Izzy@Bullies2Buddies.com to tell me your own personal experience. If it's a story that can be of help to other kids and you would like them to read it, give me permission to post it for everyone to see. And if you are having a hard time following the instructions, let me know what the problem is and I will do my best to write you back and help you.
Lessions:
