Long-distance therapy for victims of teasing and bullying
There are millions of school-age kids in the US alone who are suffering miserably from daily teasing and bullying. Unfortunately, there are very few therapists who know how to help them. Kids can -- and many do! - - go for therapy for years yet see no relief from this problem.
There is no reason for these kids to continue to suffer. While I would love to see these kids in my office, I can help them over the phone just about as well. I am currently offering complete treatment at a flat rate of $395 for as long the therapy takes. Dramatic improvement usually begins in the first week. I back my treatment with a full money back guarantee if the client, his parents, and the school are not satisfied. This price won't be offered for ever, so act now if you want to take advantage of this great offer.
Find out more about conseling by phone....
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Will the Real Bullies Please
Stand Up!
For whatever reason, I've been barraged lately by
people asking why I don't treat bullies -- why do
I focus only on helping victims? I decided to devote
most of the space in the current newsletter to this
issue.
As I hope to make clear, the main reason I focus
on victims is that there are very few true bullies,
and the true bullies are not the ones who need help.
Virtually everyone we label a bully actually is
a victim. The problem is that we confuse aggression
and bullying. We are mistakenly thinking that in
every conflict, one side is the bully and the other
side is the victim. The more aggressive one we call
the bully.
I recently conducted a survey of children's aggression
filled out by about 100 parents in one school. Nine
parents identified one of their children as a regular
victim in school. Only one parent claimed to have
a child who was a bully in school. If there are
so many victims, where, then, are the bullies hiding?
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Slobodan Milosevic -- BULLY OR VICTIM? |
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Slobodan Milosevic is back in the news. He is being tried for crimes against humanity by a UN war crimes tribunal.
This man has been reviled by the world for allegedly masterminding the attempted genocide of the Albanian people in Yugoslavia. He certainly fits the bill of "bully": someone who repeatedly uses his power to intimidate and control others of lesser power.
Experts also routinely tell us that one of the characteristics of bullies is that they lack empathy.
Looking at Mr. Milosevic, this seem to be true. At his hearings, he is not expressing any remorse. Yes, he is a typical example of the evil, unempathic bully.
The problem is that Slobodan Milosevic is not presenting himself as a bully. He is not saying, "I enjoyed causing the suffering and deaths of countless people, and will do so again if I ever get the chance." He is presenting himself as a victim! He says he is being unjustly blamed for fighting terrorism within his borders. The true criminals, he insists, have been NATO, mercilessly bombing the people of Yugoslavia.
Why does Mr. Milosevic show no remorse? Is it because he feels like a bully, and evil bullies feel no remorse?
No! It's because he feels like a victim. Victims are the ones who feel no remorse! Why? Simple! Because they believe they are the innocent ones, unjustly attacked by evil bullies. Innocents have nothing to be remorseful for because they have done nothing wrong.
Victims don't feel sorry, victims want revenge!
For a comprehensive explanation of the problem of victims, read "Columbine Made Simple"
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True Definition of "Bully": "The Other Guy" |
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In our quest to root out bullies from society, we are ignoring the fact that in every conflict, each side sees himself as the innocent victim and his opponent as the evil, guilty one. Hitler inspired Europeans to kill millions of Jews. How? By convincing Europe that it was the real victim of the Jews.
Osama bin Laden's henchmen killed thousands of innocents on Sept. 11. Why? Because they feel they are victims of the US. The US bombards the heck out of Afghanistan? Why? Because it is the victim of the Osama bin Laden's terror organization.
Israel fights because it is the victim of Palestinians. Palestinians fight because they feel they are the victims of Israel.
A woman sees herself as the victim of her abusive husband. That same husband sees himself as the victim of his abusive wife. And so on and so on. I have yet to see a husband who says he bullies his wife or a wife who admits to bullying her husband.
Look at your own life. It is almost certain that there is at least one person who is at war with you. It could be your spouse, your child, your parent, or a coworker. Are you the bully? Of course not! You are innocent. You are the victim.
Guess what! Your "bullies" feel exactly the same way about themselves. Believe it or not, they think you are the bully and they are the victim! How preposterous!!
Save people from being victims. Refer them to the Bullies2Buddies.com website.
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Why Punishing Bullies Doesn't Work |
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Brad Krueger, a high school student in Hastings, Minnesota, has recently made national news. He was convicted and punished for being a bully. However, he is infuriating people because he doesn't express remorse even after being punished. He declares that he is the victim! The nerve of him!
As punishment for bullying, he had to spend many hours cleaning the windows in his school. Is he reformed? Does he regret his actions? Has he stopped being aggressive?
No such luck! Despite his punishment, he continues to become murderously mad when other kids taunt him. However, now he restrains his aggression so that he won't get terribly punished again. He grabbed a kid by his collar rather than break his nose, which is what he certainly would have preferred to do.
This case is making analysts wonder whether the efforts to punish bullies help, or whether they even make matters worse.
The experts would have the answer to their quandary if they would stop thinking of Brad Krueger as a bully. They are mistakenly assuming that just because he is aggressive, he is a bully. The truth is that most of the violence in the world is committed not by bullies but by victims!
Brad Krueger sees himself as a victim. He used to be the victim of the kids who enraged him by calling him names. Now, in addition, he feels himself to be the victim of the crooked adult society. Society takes his tormentors' side against him and punishes him for trying to stop his bullies. He is now angrier and therefore more dangerous than before the wise adults disciplined him for being a bully!
Read about the common myths of children's aggression
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The Real Way to Reform Bullies |
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There is only one good way of reforming those we accuse of being bullies. By treating them as victims!
Those we call "bullies" are just like you and me. When we are accused of wrongdoing, we naturally react by defending ourselves and blaming our opponenets. We present ourselves as the true victim. It is almost impossible to reform someone by treating him as a bully. We need to recognize that they experience themselves as victims and that they need to be treated as victims.
I have worked with hundreds of kids who have been involved in aggressive conflicts . None of them presented themselves as bullies. By treating them as victims, they knew I knew how they felt and they were glad for my help. I treated them as I treat all victims, and their conflicts ended.
The only way to successfully tackle the problem of bullies is by recognizing that being a victim is the true problem. It is irrelevant if an outsider judges someone as being a bully. If a person's aggression is motivated by the feeling of being a victim, that is all that counts.
Give a victim a gift: Our audio CD Program
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Tale of a True Bully |
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Society will never have a handle on the problem of bullying if we keep on fooling ourselves with the idea that victims are virtuous and bullies are evil. As I mentioned earlier, true bullies are very rare. By true bully, I mean someone who sees himself as a bully and does not experience himself as a victim. I plan to bring you a story of such people in each newsletter. This first installment will tell you the story of Greg (not his real name).
Greg is now in his early 40's, a proud and loving father of two good boys. He is not a bully anymore, but he was one a couple of decades ago.
Greg grew up in a dysfunctional family, dropped out of high school, and hung out with the wrong crowd. A big bear of a man, he became a martial arts expert and soon thereafter established a successful "security" firm that did the kinds of things police are not allowed to. He feared no one. Greg tells me that he would actually enjoy beating up those he was hired to intimidate.
Something happened that made Greg leave this kind of life. He once kicked a guy in the head and caused permanent damage. Greg felt terrible, and has since been a constructive member of society and a leading member of his congregation.
And who said bullies have no empathy?
Does your school need a great violence prevention program?
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