Seminars
I will soon begin providing seminars for professionals through Cross Country University, an institution that provides continuing education throughout the US. The first tour is scheduled for August 28, 29, and 30, and will take place in Sacramento, Oakland, and San Francisco, CA. The topic is, "Anger Control Made Easy." I will be teaching the method that I originally developed for helping victims of teasing and have since expanded for use with all relationship problems.
I am very excited about working with Cross Country University. If our collaboration is successful, it will bring me within reasonable distance of anyone wanting first hand experience learning my methods for helping victims.
"Anger Control Made Easy" seminar
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The
Power of Hate
First of all, I'd like to wish a Happy Fourth of July
to everyone celebrating American Independence Day.
We often hear the expression, "the power of love." There
have been songs written by that name. Unfortunately, there
is a far stronger power in the world: "the power of hate."
On Sept. 11, we witnessed the power of hate. The Twin
Towers of the World Trade Center were products of love
and were brought down by the power of hate. Of course,
there are those who would say the Twin Towers were a labor
of greedy capitalism. But capitalism is not based on hatred
and the desire to destroy. It is based upon the desire
of people to earn money by offering something of value
to the rest of humanity. This way we can better our lives
and the lives of our families. Many thousands of people
cooperated for years to build the Twin Towers. It took
the trust of everyone involved to successfully bring these
magnificent edifices to scrape the skies. They would continue
to provide employment for thousands of people for years
to come. And they were brought down by a few madmen in
a couple of hours.
Yes, just as it is much easier to destroy than to build,
the power of hate is incalculably stronger than the power
of love.
Hate is a cheap commodity. It is also contagious and invigorating.
People love to have an enemy to hate. It makes them feel
powerfully alive to believe they are united in the struggle
against others who do the work of the devil. Just convince
people that they are victims, and they will be eager to
hate their supposed oppressors.
Because it is so easy to get people to hate, hatred is
the fuel of choice for dictatorships. Their dismal form
of government rarely has the power to create a military
force mighty enough to take on those of the free nations
on an equal footing. But hate-filled people do not need
multi-billion-dollar weapons systems to wage war. With
inexpensive explosives on their bodies or in the trunks
of their cars, or with box-cutters to highjack airplanes,
they themselves become the ultimate weapons. By sponsoring
terrorism, the corrupt dictatorships of the world are
able to keep the democratic superpowers of the world at
bay.
Though the dictators themselves are their people's own
worst enemies, the dictators can easily prevent their
people from discovering this. Why? Because they also control
the press and the media. The people only know what the
dictator wants them to know. They have no way to discover
that their leader is not really their great benefactor.
The streets are plastered with giant posters glorifying
their leader. They're filled with stories about their
leader's great deeds. And they're fed incessant lies that
their misery is caused by another group -- a group with
whom their courageous leader is supposedly in the forefront
of battle.
Because hate has made our existence so precarious, it
is essential to differentiate between the good nations
of the world and the evil ones. How do we do this? There
is a simple measure. Just look at how it educates it's
people. Does it give official encouragement to hate another
group of people? Or does it teach love and tolerance for
all?
What did the United States do after 9.11? Did they vilify
Muslims, Arabs, and Afghanis, call them representatives
of the devil, and encourage Americans to go out and kill
all of them? No! They did just the opposite. Both the
government and the newspapers throughout the country immediately
embarked on a campaign of teaching tolerance. We have
been bombarded with the information that Islam is a peace-
loving religion and that we should not take out our anger
upon Muslims or Middle-Easterners.
Is our good-will being reciprocated by the dictatorships
that breed the terrorists who threaten our existence?
No way! Their governments and their state-controlled news
media continue to teach hatred. They call America and
Israel the Greater and Lesser Satans, and their newspapers
spew forth anti-Jewish venom that would make Hitler proud.
Their officially sanctioned religious leaders preach death
to Americans and Jews in whatever lands they are found.
My proposed criteria for differentiating between good
and evil countries may seem obvious. However, there are
literally hundreds of millions of well- intentioned citizens
of democracies who naively give their sympathy and support
to dictatorial havens of hatred. They are fooled by dictators
who portray their people as unfortunate victims of the
powerful democracies, when it is really they, themselves,
who have brought misery upon their people.
With the educated, free people of the world unable to
tell the difference between good and evil, the world sure
is a dangerous place.
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Union Bullies (Fiction Corner)
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I'm writing these words from the comfort of my hospital bed, where I am recovering from multiple injuries inflicted by my peers.
Those of you who do not live in the New York Metropolitan area may not be aware of it, but our Teacher's Union just succeeded in finalizing a new contract that awards a handsome 16% raise to its members. That includes me. Our Union has over 140,000 members, which gives us quite a lot of power. For a while, we were threatening to strike, which would have brought the city to a virtual standstill, as any of you who are parents can well imagine.
Just like everyone else, I have been listening to my fellow educators and psychologists teach us about the evils of bullying and how we must not tolerate it. As a good citizen, I try to do my part to stop others from engaging in bullying behavior and from being a bully myself.
I stood up at a big Union meeting and announced that it is wrong to bully New York City for more money, especially since Sept. 11, which has put our city in such dire financial straits. I explained that bullying means using power to gain personal advantage at the expense of others. Now, it's not like any of us were starving to death. How could we, in good conscience, take money out of City coffers and thereby deprive others who may need it more?
To my great surprise, I couldn't get even one of my fellow Union members to feel remorseful. They not only continued to bully the City for a raise, they viciously beat me up!
Fortunately, my Union is very strong and has gotten us health plans that would cost us a fortune if we had to pay for them by ourselves. I can peacefully recuperate from my injuries knowing that my hospital bills are all covered. Our plans are subsidized by all those non- Unionized folk who have to pay full price for their medical coverage. Unlike us union members, they don't have the power to obtain personal advantage at the expense of others.
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Was Izzy Kalman a Victim of Teasing and Bullying?
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People often ask me if I created Bullies2Buddies.com because I was a victim of teasing and bullying as a kid. This is a very good question. In fact, if you read the introductions to books on bullying, you will find that just about every single author had been a victim of teasing and bullying in their younger years. That is what motivated them when they grew up to help others tackle the problem.
The answer to the question, though, is "No." I was not a victim of relentless teasing and bullying by my peers. Sure, I was teased a little by my friends, but it never upset me and it was never a problem. (My friends and family still take every opportunity to make fun of me). I was beat up a few times throughout my childhood and adolescence -- twice quite seriously -- for being a Jew (the yarmulka, or Jewish skull cap, I wore in those days made me easily identifiable), but this was not a frequent problem. I just accepted it as part of the historical role of the Jew, the world's favorite scapegoat.
Why, then, did I become so active in the cause of teasing and bullying? Not because I suffered from the problem, but because I happened to come up with a solution.
There is one major difference between my approach and those of other authors. Because I was not a constant victim, I never grew up with the intense hatred that the other authors had towards bullies. I didn't spend years burning with desire to see bullies torn apart by wild horses, bombed to smithereens, or slowly roasted over bonfires. I don't have years of resentment to work through. It is therefore easy for me to maintain a non-judgmental view of bullies and victims and develop what I believe to be a truly objective approach to the problem of aggression between people.
Here's a great essay on the historical roots of why I was beaten up in my youth.
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Bullying Through the Internet
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I have received a number of emails from readers who ask me how to handle bullying over the Internet. Some of these have come from adults who are harassed by other adults. Others come from parents whose children are being abused by other kids.
There are advantages and disadvantages to everything, including the Internet. One of the advantages is that it enables human communication on a scale heretofore unknown in the history of mankind.
One of the downsides is that it allows people to communicate bad things to us or about us. They can write ugly emails or IMs to us. Or they can spread nasty information about us to others. What can we do about this?
For the most part, the way to handle verbal abuse over the Internet is no different from handling it in ordinary life. The rules that I provide in the website's manual for victims, "How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying," apply to the computer as well.
Simply put, just because someone is sending you nasty letters does not mean you have to fall into the trap of getting upset. The sender wants you to get upset. If you do, they win and you lose. And they will continue to harass you.
If people spread mean stuff about you to others, again, don't let it upset you. Take the attitude, "If anyone wants to believe this stupid stuff about me, it's their right." If someone asks you if what they read about you is true, respond with the question, "Do you believe it?" If they say "No," you win. If they say "Yes," reply, "You can believe it if you wish," and you also win.
You may wish to turn to your Internet Service Provider to find out if the sender of the abusive information is violating regulations. You may be able to get them kicked off the Internet. Otherwise, trying to fight back, either through email campaigns or confronting peers in school, will just make the battles worse. Show people that you are tough and cannot be fazed by the stupidity of others.
Click here for free manual, "How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying"
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A Victory for Lawyers in New Jersey
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Only a few days ago, New Jersey joined the ranks of States that hold its schools responsible for the bullying that goes on between their students. Since most of the anti-bullying programs claim to reduce bullying by up to 50%, the school can still expect to fail to eliminate the remaining 50% of bullying.
Fortunately, parents of victimized kids will now be able to take their school districts to court when their children continue to be bullied and hopefully win enough money to give their kids an ivy league education. This is great news for lawyers, too. As in most sectors of the American economy, unemployment has gone up for the legal profession in recent years, particularly since Sept. 11, 2001. Lawyers will be able to spend their time in court fighting evil child bullies while saving up for their own children's ivy league educations as well.
When such lawsuits are won, we can probably expect to see awards in the tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars -- perhaps even millions of dollars when victims of bullying commit suicide or murder. I hope that enough money will be left over to pay teachers' salaries.
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Tales of True Bullies
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In the last two newsletters, I've been presenting stories of "true bullies" -- individuals who act as bullies and without seeing themselves as victims. My point in these vignettes is to show that bullies are not as evil as we are generally led to believe.
This month's featured bully is unusual in that he is none other than a psychologist. Steve Sussman, PhD, is the most outrageous psychologist I have ever known. And he is certainly one of the most effective therapists you can hope to find anywhere.
Dr. Sussman, director of the Child and Teen Success Centers of New York and New Jersey, has created a unique method of turning around oppositional and defiant children of all ages. Most of the kids who are brought to him have been to other therapists for years with no results, and their parents turn to him out of desperation.
Dr. Sussman doesn't commiserate with difficult kids about the abuse and neglect they have supposedly experienced at the hands of their parents and society. He doesn't try to boost their frail egos by pointing out their good traits. What he does, plain and simple, is bully them. He insults them with the names they really deserve. He threatens to make their lives miserable if they don't improve their behavior at home and in school, and he carries out these threats when necessary. He will have the police called on them if they are violent or destructive. He will ruin their relationships with friends if they fail to respect their parents. He will have them sent to boot camp if they can't discipline themselves. He will do whatever is necessary to get these kids to listen to him and to become good citizens. Dr. Sussman is so good at bullying that none of these kids, as street smart as they often are, ever get the better of him.
But also like true bullies, he helps and protects those who submit to his will. He rewards them with money or presents if they improve their behavior, and will plea their case to the authorities when they really deserve it. He will get them jobs so they can become more self- sufficient while taking pride in contributing to society. In the process of treatment, he also teaches their parents how to become the bullies of their kids rather than the other way around.
Do you think that the kids hate him for bullying them? Many do at first. But before long they love him, and they love coming to the sessions. The happier they make Dr. Sussman, the better their own lives become. They not only win money and prizes at the sessions. They become winners in the game of life.
Visit Steve Sussman's website
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