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Dear Reader:
Happy Presidents Week!
It's been a while since I wrote an installment for my series on racism. Here is the next one. If you have been following them, you are aware that I use anti-Semitism as a specific example, though I believe the rules apply to all groups. I am writing about bigotry against my own group (Jews) so that members of other groups won't accuse me of telling them how they should solve their problems.
To read previous newsletters on racism/antisemitism, look through the Read Newsletters webpage.
First I will give an explanation of the rule (it is practically verbatim from my seminars) and then I will demonstrate its practical application.
Rule Number Six: Show You are Hurt, Not Angry
Explanation of the Rule
This is probably the most sublte of the rules. But the truth is that you rarely have to use this one if you use the others - especially Rule Number Two - because very little will actually hurt you.
If you hurt me, how do I want you to feel about what you did to me? I want you to feel sorry. I want you to apologize. Then I'll forgive you, and we'll go back to being friends as usual. But what happens when others hurt us? We tend to get angry. Anger is a biological response to pain or fear of pain.
So let's say you hurt me and I get angry at you. What feeling am I showing you? Anger! And what will you probably feel towards me? Since anger tends to bring out anger in the other person, you will get angry back at me.
Do I want you to be angry at me if you hurt me? Of course not. I want you to feel sorry. So if I get angry at you for hurting me, I will get the exact opposite of what I want. Instead of you feeling sorry and apoligizing to me, you are angry at me as though I should feel sorry and apologize!
But let's say you hurt me, and all you see is that I am hurt. I am not angry in the least. How will you probably feel about what you did to me? Sorry! Which is exactly what I want. So if you hurt me, I will only let you know that I am hurt, sincerely, but without any anger.
What do we typically do when people attack us? We get angry! And then we wonder why they keep on attacking us instead of repenting. Almost everyone makes this mistake. We get angry at people instead of letting them know we are hurt, and then we're surprised that they don't feel sorry.
Why do we make this mistake? It's because we are programmed for life in Nature. If you hurt me when we were living in Nature, you may have been intending to injure or kill me. I had better get angry or you will demolish me in an instant.
But we don't live in Nature any longer. In Civilization, there are laws against injuring people. You are not allowed to physically hurt me or you can go to jail. So today it is not necessary for me to get angry when you hurt me, because you are not trying to send me to the hospital. In fact, you may be trying to help me, but I am too sensitive about what you saying. Therefore, all I need to do is let you know how you hurt me, and then you will probably feel bad about it.
Using the Rule with Racism
If we want to get anti-Semites to stop attacking us, we need to stop getting angry at them. All we need to do is tell them sincerely how they are hurting us, and as long as we don't fall into the trap of slipping into anger, we are more likely to get what we want.
Here is an example. First, the wrong way:
Anti-Semite: Hitler should have finished the job.
Jew: How dare you say something like that?!
Anti-Semite: It's true! The world would be a better place if the Nazis had gotten rid of every last one of you!
Jew: Oh! I can't believe you are actually saying something like that!
Anti-Semite: Well, it's true. And not only that, you Jews exaggerate how many actually were killed. Six million my arse! It was probably no more than six thousand!
Jew: I can't believe someone could actually believe that today? Are you an idiot? Haven't you seen the pictures of all the bodies?
Anti-Semite: Sure! And I didn't see millions of bodies. Thousands at most. And don't call me an idiot?
Jew: Why? It's okay for you to say Hitler should have finished off the Jews, but it's not okay for me to call you an idiot?
This of course leads nowhere. Now the better way:
Anti-Semite: Hitler should have finished the job.
Jew: What do you mean?
Anti-Semite: He should have killed all the Jews.
Jew: I can't tell you how sad I feel when people say that.
Anti-Semite: But it's true. The world would be a better place if the Nazis had gotten rid of every last one of you.
Jew: I know a lot of people think like that, but it still hurts to hear it.
Anti-Semite: Why should I care if it hurts you?
Jew: You don't have to. It's just that I'm sure that if you realized that we are flesh and blood human beings just like yourself, you probably wouldn't think such things. And I guess I'm scared that if it could have happened to my ancestors in Europe, it could happen to us here, too.
Anti-Semite: But it didn't really happen in Europe. You Jews exaggerate the Holocaust to get sympathy from the world.
Jew: I know it's hard to believe that the Nazis systematically exterminated six million Jews, and I know the number can't be 100% accurate. But I do know that my dad lost his whole family.
Anti-Semite: Maybe he was an exception.
Jew: It would be great if he were. But my mother also lost many relatives. And if you talk to anyone whose parents or grandparents lived in Europe during World War II, you would find they all had relatives who were killed just for being Jews.
Anti-Semite: I still think Jews exaggerate the Holocaust.
Jew: Many people think that. But do you know how painful and scary it is to know that people want me dead just because of my ancestry. Do you actually think I did something to deserve it?
Anti-Semite: Well, maybe not you personally, but Jews in general.
Jew: Why?
Anti-Semite: Because Jews are evil.
Jew: If you were to get to know us, I don't think you would continue to feel that way.
Anti-Semite: Why would I want to get to know Jews?
Jew: Just try it. I'm having some friends over next weekend. I'd be glad to have you come hang out with us.
Anti-Semite: No way!
Jew: What are you so afraid of? That you'll discover you like gefilte fish?
Anti-Semite: What's a gefilte fish?
Jew: You never heard of gefilte fish? Come and you'll find out.
This way we have a chance of getting somewhere. And the Jew doesn't sound like an angry fool.
My 13-year-old daughter, Ayala, made me watch this with her. I was a bit reluctant because I wasn't in the mood to watch another film that stirs up hatred of bullies and sympathy for victims. Though it does a bit of both, I'm glad Ayala made me watch it. It is quite realistic, though in real life the air doesn't get filled with sinister music whenever someone is thinking of being mean to us.
Odd Girl Out (2005, directed by Tom McLaughlin) is based on a true story of a bright, talented high school student named Vanessa, played by Alexa Vega, who suddenly becomes a victim of bullying by her peers. Some of the things I like about the movie are:
1) It runs counter to the stereotype of victims as being kids who have some obvious difference or imperfection. The truth is anyone can become a victim of bullying.
2) It shows the futility of parents' and school administrations' efforts to solve the problem for the kids. I know this is a movie that's used as ammunition by anti-bully crusaders. But why don't these crusaders get the message of the movie that adult intervention, as well-intentioned as it may be, is not the solution?
3) The problem is ultimately solved by the victim herself. While the way she handled it wasn't exactly the way I would have counseled her, she still did an admirable job at the end and regained her dignity.
This is a good movie to show groups of kids. However, if you do so, I hope you won't limit the discussion to how terrible it is to be a bully. Please use it to identify the mistakes Vanessa made, and explain how she could have avoided her misery by using the Bullies to Buddies rules. Poor Vanessa didn't have to risk killing herself in order to put an end to her suffering.
Best Wishes,
Izzy Kalman
email: izzy@bullies2buddies.com
voice: (718) 983-1333
web: http://www.bullies2buddies.com
