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Dear Reader:
June is here and many of our children are already on vacation. The rest soon will be. Summer is a time when many kids have the opportunity to play sports, so I am presenting here ten simple rules that will turn kids (and also adults) into "good sports" so that they and those they play with will be able to have a good time, even when they lose. These rules apply, of course, during the school year as well, and will remain on the website all year round. If you have your own website or publication, please feel free to link to this article or even copy it into your own, as long as you credit the authorship and cite the source (http://bullies2buddies.com/news/2006_06.html).
I would also like to thank all those of you who took the time to respond to my recent request for your opinions about two book covers. I have never had such a massive response to any mailing.
You are welcome to read previous newsletters and to use any articles you like in your own publication, as long as you cite the author and source.
"How to Be a Good Sport" or "Don't Be a Sore Loser"
Do you want to enjoy playing sports with other kids? Do you want them to like and respect you? Do you want them to choose you to be on their team? And do you want to enjoy playing even when you lose the game? Then it is important to know how to be a “good sport” and avoid being a “sore loser”.
Sports are an important part of life, especially for kids. While most kids love playing, few of you will grow up to be professionals. A professional sportsperson is someone who gets paid for playing because it’s their job. For most of us, the true value of sports is less glamorous but longer-lasting. Sports give us the opportunity to develop our bodies, character, and social skills while having a great time.
No one wins all the time, and no one likes and respects a sore loser. Use these ten simple rules for being a “good sport”, and you will be a winner even when you lose! The rules you will learn here are true not only for sports, but for all kinds of games, and for the “game of life” as well.
1. It is more important to learn how to lose than to learn how to win.
Anyone can handle winning. It feels good. The trick is to learn how to handle losing. In life, as in sports, we don’t always win. Through sports, we learn that we can lose, yet our lives and friendships continue. We can be happy in life even though we lose sometimes - or even often!
2. No one likes or respects a sore loser.
Do you like to play with people who go into a rage when you beat them? Of course not! Well, others don’t like to play with you if you go into a rage, either. It’s normal to be disappointed when you lose, but don’t get angry at the other side because they played better than you.
Have you seen people when they get angry? Do they look smart to you? No. Guess what! When you get angry, you don’t look smart to other people, either. You look like an idiot and no one can respect you. If you want respect, show others that they can’t get you mad even by defeating you in a game.
3. Sore losers lose twice.
You lose once when you lose the game. When you get angry, you have lost a second time because then you look and feel like a loser to everyone who sees you. What’s better: a single loss or a double loss? So if you lose a game, cut your losses. Don’t get angry.
4. When you lose, congratulate the winners.
Let’s say you play a game and you win. When will you like and respect the losers more? If they get angry at you, or if they congratulate you for having played so well? Of course you would prefer that they congratulate you.
It’s no different if you are the loser. Congratulate the winners and they will like and respect you. They will admire you for your courage and graciousness. You still come out looking like a winner even though you lost the game. Even if you are not a very good player, people will always be happy to play with you again if you are a good sport.
5. Don’t get mad if you think your opponent cheated.
No one is perfect. You aren’t either. Sometimes people make mistakes or even purposely do things that are dishonest. If you suspect that your opponents cheated, talk to them calmly. Let them know what you think they did wrong, and avoid using the word “cheating”, because that will just make them angry.
If they admit that they were wrong, fine. If they refuse, don’t make a big deal about it. Just continue with the game. Even if you lose because they cheated, it is not likely to hurt your life in the long run. Enjoying the game and being a good sport is more important than winning. Everyone watching - including your opponents - will have more respect for you when they see you can continue gracefully after being a victim of cheating. Even if you lose the game, you look like the winner.
6. If people hurt you, don’t retaliate. Just let them know you are hurt.
The natural reaction when someone hurts you is to want revenge. However, this makes the situation get worse. You try to get back at them, then they want to get back at you, and you may get into a big fight. You or your opponent might get hurt, and you may get in trouble for fighting.
If your opponent hurts you, don’t respond aggressively. Just say as calmly as possible something like, “Hey, that really hurt. Please be careful.”
If they keep on hurting you, ask “Are you mad at me?” If they answer “Yes”, ask them why, and apologize or resolve the problem. If they say “No”, they will probably realize they have no good reason for hurting you and will probably stop.
7. Don’t be a hog on your team.
In team sports, the players are doing two things at the same time. 1. They are cooperating to defeat the other team. 2. They are competing with each other to be the best player on the team because deep down, everyone wants to be number one.
There are certain games, like basketball, where it is easy to “hog the ball.” Especially if you are a very good player, there can be a strong temptation to do as much of the playing as you can because you can help the whole team score and you come out looking like a champion. However, your team mates may end up disliking you because you are preventing them from playing their fair share. And while it may seem like the team is winning because of you, you are preventing the other members from developing their abilities. In the long run, you may even be hurting your team’s ability to win. How will they manage if one day you can’t come to the game?
If the team has a coach who instructs you to as much of the playing as possible, then listen to the coach. Otherwise, remember that the other team members want to do their share. So don’t be a hog, and the team will like you and learn to play better.
8. If your teammates blame you for making them lose, don’t defend yourself.
Probably the single most painful thing to endure is when your teammates blame you for making the team lose. It can make you wish you were never born.
The truth is that when a team loses, it is the result of the whole team’s efforts. However, it can seem that your error was what made the whole team lose. Even though it’s not fair for them to blame you, they are only human. The temptation can be very strong to blame you, especially if they feel they were playing well.
If your teammates get angry and blame you, don’t deny it or try to shift the blame to others. They will just try even harder to convince you it was your fault, and you will look immature. Accept responsibility and apologize. Say something like, “Yes, I messed up. I’m sorry I let you down. I’ll try to do better next time.” Your team will respect your for having the guts to say this, so you look like a winner. Some of your team members will feel grateful to you for allowing them to blame you instead of themselves for losing. And some will feel guilty for having blamed you. Deep down they know that the game is really a team effort, and that it is not right to blame you alone. So you win either way.
9. Your opponents will not hate you if you lose.
Are you afraid that your opponents will hate you if you lose? As silly as it sounds, some people actually act as if they believe this. This fear may prevent them from playing in the first place, or they may get upset when they play and lose.
The truth is your opponents would be more upset if you win than if you lose. So don’t worry that they won’t like you if you lose. Your popularity will suffer more if you are a “sore loser” than if you lose the game.
10. Don't Get Mad if No One is Choosing You for Their Team
There is always a worst player, and it might be you. Do you get angry when your friends or classmates aren’t choosing you to be on their team? It may seem to you like they avoid choosing you because you are the worst player. But that’s not the real reason. The real reason is that you are a sore loser.
There is always a worst player, and it may be you. If you get angry because you are not being chosen, that is not going to make anyone want to choose you for their team. However, if you are a good sport, admire others for playing better, show appreciation when you are chosen, and stay calm when you are not chosen, they are much more likely to want to choose you for their team.
Good luck. And remember the old saying: It’s not important whether you win or lose, but how you play the game!
Are Bullies Like Terrorists?
The website, www.BullyPolice.com, like many other anti-bully activists, have taken to comparing bullies to terrorists. On their home page you can get the detailed comparison.
The truth is that Columbine was for schools what 9.11 was for the nation as a whole. Columbine resulted in the nation's determination to make schools safe for students. 9.11 resulted in the nation's decision to make the country safe for its residents. We are trying to make schools safe by trying to target bullies and we are trying to make the country safe by trying to target terrorists. To make sure that our country keeps up the fight against bullies, it is convenient to compare them to terrorists.
What most people fail to realize is that terrorism does not come from a bully mentality. It comes from a victim mentality. Does anyone imagine that terrorists think the following: "I feel an irresistable urge to bully people. What would be a good way to do it? Maybe I'll fly a plane into a building in the most powerful nation on the planet? I know I'll die at the same time, but I don't care because the knowledge that I will be such a horrific bully is worth dying for."
Of course not. What they think is, "Our people are being victimized by a powerful, immoral, country. We have to get back at them! We have to make them stop! Let's fly airplanes into their most important buildings! And I don't care if I die in the process. Saving my people from this Satanic country is worth dying for!"
Yes, terrorists are motivated by feeling like victims, not like bullies. To them, we are the bully. (And if we use the academic definition of bullying, the terrorists are right!) They are angry, they want revenge, and they want to stop being bullied by us. Anger and desire for revenge are what victims feel, not bullies.
What is our country doing to make our schools safe? We are trying to get everyone to stop engaging in bullying behavior so that no kids will feel like victims. If the US government were to respond to 9.11 the way it did to Columbine, it would be making sure that no one in the world would have any reason to be mad at our country. We would give in to the demands of every terrorist organization in the world so they will no longer feel bullied by us. We would ask every nation in the world what our policy towards them should be so they will have no reason to be mad at us. Then our country would finally be safe from terrorism.
No one in their right mind would think that such an approach is possible, or that it would work if it were possible. Yet we naively think this can work in schools.
If we truly want to make our schools safer, we need to remember that the most dangerous people are not those who feel like bullies. They are people who feel like victims. Teaching kids how not to be victims will make our schools safer than the most intensive efforts to target and eradicate bullies.
Movie Recommendation: The 40 Year Old Virgin
In my newsletters, I generally try to recommed movies that have particular value, but this time I am recommending one primarily for laughs. I don't like to think that I'm wasting time, but since laughter is the best medicine, I tell myself a good comedy is not really a waste. The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005, Judd Apatow) was a pretty big hit, so there is a good chance that you have already seen it. But if you haven't, and you want a good laugh, this should do the trick. Be cautioned, though, that the content is sexual, with some drug usage, and is not appropriate for children, or for adults who object to sexual content in entertainment.
The main character, Andy, is played by Steve Carell, whom my kids and their friends insist I stronly resemble, both in appearance and mannerisms, and that I could pass as his father. Somehow I suspect this is not a compliment. (The truth is that he did remind me of myself as I was watching.)
Every scene in this movie could stand on its own merit as a comedy skit. There are a couple of great scenes of angry power plays between the Black and Indian salesmen in the consumer electronics store where Andy works. These angry power plays look an awful lot like the role-plays in my seminars.
Mental health professionals will probably be tempted to diagnose Andy. Personally, I am not particularly proficient at diagnosis, but I think Andy is hard to classify because his character is not a consistent personality. Some of the things he does are not believable for such a socially/emotionally delayed person.
To make a connection with my teachings, I will remind you that humor is not positive. It is negative. Humor involves making people look stupid, clumsy and miserable, and if you keep this in mind when watching, you will see what I am talking about.
Best Wishes,
Izzy Kalman
email: izzy@bullies2buddies.com
voice: (718) 983-1333
web: http://www.bullies2buddies.com
