In this issue:Bullies to Buddies Rule #7 Applied to Racism/Anti-Semitism: Don't Tell on Bullies
Bullies to Buddies Rule #8 Applied to Racism/Anti-Semitism: Don't Be a Sore Loser |
Dear Reader:
I'm still trying to play catch up with my monthly newsletters. January is just about over, and if I'm lucky, this January issue will be sent out before the clock ticks twelve on midnight of the 31st.
It's been almost a year since I have written an installment to my series on racism. Since January is the month we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr., Day, this month's newsletter seems as good a time as any to do it. If the good Reverend is reading this from his Heavenly perch, I hope he approves.
I will be concluding the series with the last two of the eight Bullies to Buddies rules as applied to racism/anti-semitism. If you have been following these writings on racism, you may recall that I am using anti-Semitism as a specific example, though I believe the rules apply to all groups. I am writing about bigotry against my own group (Jews) so that members of other groups won't complain that I don't understand them and shouldn't be tellng them what to do.
For each of the two rules, I will first give an explanation of the rule (practically verbatim from my seminars) and then demonstrate its practical application.
To read the previous installment on racism/antisemitism, click here. The very first one can be found here.
You are welcome to read previous newsletters and to use any articles you like in your own publication, as long as you cite the author and source.
Bullies to Buddies Rule Number Seven:
Don't Tell on Bullies
We are so concerned about getting people to be nice to each other, but we easily forget that one of the meanest things you can do to people is try to get them in trouble with the authorities. If you’re not sure about this, try the following experiment. The next time you hear your neighbors yelling at their children, report them to your local child abuse prevention agency – and let your neighbors know you were the one who made the call! You’ll see how popular you become in your neighborhood.
Unfortunately, modern society is increasingly encouraging people to be informers. The government passes laws making all kinds of abusive behavior illegal, which means that we no longer have to deal with difficult people on our own. We can now turn to the legal authorities to punish people whenever we don’t like the way they treat us. We are telling kids in school, “telling is not tattling.” Zero-tolerance policies in the workplace are directing employees to complain to management whenever a coworker does something that upsets them. Our country put so much effort into toppling the “Evil Empire” known as the Soviet Union, only to be emulating their abominable practice of instructing their citizens to inform on their comrades – including their own parents! - for violating Party rules. “Big Brother” does not require sophisticated electronic surveillance to deprive people of their freedom. All that is needed is a citizenry trained to inform on each other to the authorities.
While the government can punish us for upsetting people, regretfully it can’t force us to like and respect one another. If I get you punished for the crime of insulting my racial or religious group, are you going to want to make a charitable donation to my group and invite me over for dinner? You’ll probably feel like blowing us up!
When people are doing or saying things against Jews – as long as there is no immediate threat to our bodies or property - about the worst thing to do is rush to report them to the authorities. Instead, we should talk to them directly, not with anger, but as to friends. Ask them sincerely why they are doing or saying it. If there is something wrong about their motivation or understanding, let them know what their mistake is. If they insist on continuing to do what you believe is wrong, talk to them again, but without anger. Pain, yes; anger, no.
If their actions are breaking the law, tell them something like, “I would hate to see you getting in trouble.” The implication is that you are trying to protect them from punishment by giving them a chance to stop their illegal activity. If they still insist on breaking the law, then it is appropriate to inform the legal authorities. But only do so if their actions may result in objective harm to people. Just because something is technically illegal, it doesn’t mean that you must get the authorities involved. Jaywalking is illegal, but when is the last time you called the police on someone crossing on red?
Bullies to Buddies Rule Number Eight: Don't Be a Sore Loser
Life is like a game. It may be far more serious than a game, and we play “life” without being asked if we want to play. But there are similarities nonetheless.
No one wins all the time. But if I go into a rage, stay bitter, and try to get back at you when I lose, I lose triply. Once – I lose the game. Twice – I lose your respect. Triple – my loss becomes perpetuated, as I continue suffering after the game is over. No one likes sore losers, and you won’t want to play with me again. Except, perhaps, to have the fun of getting me into another rage and having me look like an enormous idiot.
Another thing that is likely to happen is that I will overreact to future losses. My pent up resentment is unleashed with every new loss. We will never become friends if I don’t let go of my resentments toward you.
On the other hand, if I lose gracefully, commend you for having played better than me, and make a decision to try to play better next time, you will respect and like me. I will have turned my loss into a partial gain.
Jews seem to have made it part of our culture to remember our past defeats and keep them fresh in our minds. Perhaps this has helped keep us together, but it has also helped keep us apart from the Gentiles. We have difficulty trusting them because we suspect they are capable of doing to us what their ancestors did to ours. And they can’t respect us because we look like sore losers who can’t get over our past losses. Thus, they may keep on being mean to us, as we have unwittingly created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In recent years, Jews have come across like sore losers in our attempts to get European countries and their banks to make restitution for money and property lost to Jews who perished during World War II. It is perfectly okay for individual Jews who can prove that their property was confiscated to bring lawsuits. But class action lawsuits are another matter. These lawsuits have succeeded in getting millions of dollars to be distributed to individuals who cannot prove their loss, and to Jewish organizations whose only claim to Holocaust money is that they serve Jewish causes. I can't help wondering if these millions of dollars were worth the price. They caused tons of ill will between Jews and Europeans and seemed to confirm the stereotype that the only thing Jews care about is money. Six millions Jews dead, and fifty years later we want their material possessions.
Of course not all Jews who survived the Holocaust rebounded. But as a group, we can be very proud of them. They started over in new countries, often without any professions and with little knowledge of their new homelands’ languages and culture. Within one generation, their offspring are mostly middle class and higher. The millions of dollars won through class action lawsuits may have brought temporary help to some individuals and groups, but money is quickly spent and forgotten. In the long scheme of things these awards may have made little difference to our wellbeing. But if the closing chapter of the saga of the Holocaust is the story of our haggling over money, we will have permanently eroded respect for ourselves and our ancestors.
Every group in the world has lost people and possessions through illegal attacks. Many groups have been wiped off the face of the planet. Some were absorbed into other groups. Some were scattered over other countries and continents. If justice requires that all property obtained illegally be returned to its original inhabitants, every one of us would be kicked out of our homes and be in the impossible situation of trying to figure out where on Earth we belong. So let’s stop being sore losers. We should be grateful we are still here and aspire to do better in the future.
Conclusion
It's about time we Jews stopped thinking like victims and treating everyone like enemies. People do have a right to think and talk badly of us, just as we do of others. Maybe we'll even learn something of value from their criticism, so we should thank them. We should only act when others commit true crimes against us. And even then, we need to do it in the right way.
Good luck!
Best Wishes,
Izzy Kalman
email: izzy@bullies2buddies.com
voice: (718) 983-1333
web: http://www.bullies2buddies.com
