In this issue: |
Impact of cyber bullying
Dear Reader:
I hope you are enjoying the summer and that the weather is neither too wet or dry or hot or cold for your particular region.
After a long break from giving my Anger Control Made Easy seminars through Cross Country Education, I am returning for a long series. The dates for upcoming seminar are in the right sidebar. Note that I will be presenting Turning Bullies into Buddies in Texas.
I have received many questions about cyberbullying. My book, Bullies to Buddies: How to turn your enemies into friends, has a short chapter on it, but I didn't write anything special about the subject in my website because I have never seen it as substantially different from "regular" bullying. However, because of the great interest in the subject, I realized there is a need for me to make my instructions for dealing with the problem to the general public. So I have written a short manual with ten rules for handling cyberbullying for this month's newsletter. I hope it will help take the hysteria out of the subject. Older children should be able to read and understand it on their own. Younger kids may need to have it explained to them. Adults may also find in helpful if they are experiencing the problem. Feel free to print it out and use with groups or classes.
I welcome you to link to this article or even copy it into your own website or publication, or place a link to it, provided you credit the authorship and cite the source.
You are welcome to read previous newsletters and to use any articles you like in your own publication, as long as you cite the author and source.
How to Handle Cyberbullying
In recent years, kids have found another way to pick on each other: the Internet. This is being called “cyberbullying”.
It is natural to get upset when other kids write terrible things about you, either to you or about you, in emails, IMs (Instant Messages) and websites or blogs. Your parents may also get upset if they discover you are a victim of cyberbullying. Parents often want the school to handle the problem. Sometimes parents even get the police or the FBI involved.
There is a good chance that if you are being bullied over the Internet, it is also happening to you in school. Kids torment you during school hours and continue to do it at home over the computer. If so, it is a good idea to read the free online manual, How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying at www.Bullies2Buddies.com, or the book, Bullies to Buddies: How to turn your enemies into friends.
It is really not hard to handle cyberbullying by yourself if you wish. All you need is change your attitude. Use the following rules, and it shouldn’t be a problem.
1. Life is not Heaven. It would be really fantastic if you could live a life in which everyone is always nice to you. Unfortunately, no one is so lucky. You may have heard of a place in which everyone is always nice to each other. It is called Heaven, and you first have to die to get in. But as long as you are alive, you are going to have to deal with people being mean. In fact, there is a good chance that the people who are meanest to you are your own family members! And a very easy place for people to be mean to you is the Internet. So, the sooner you learn how to deal with people being mean to you, the better the rest of your life will be.
2. There is an old saying, “If you play with fire, you can get burned.” Most things in life have both good sides and bad sides. It is fun to play with fire, but it stops being fun if you get burned. So, if you are not willing to risk getting burned, you shouldn’t play with fire. Basketball is fun, but you can fall, scrape your knees, and even break your bones. The great thing about the Internet is that it has made communication possible like never before in the history of the world. The bad side is that it is easier to spread nasty things about people than ever before. If you are not willing to face the possibility that kids will use the Internet against you, you shouldn’t get on it. Of course kids can spread nasty things about you even if you never get on the Internet, but it is much more likely to happen if you do use it. So remember – if you insist on using the Internet, be prepared that kids will use it against you, and don’t get upset when it happens.
3. The real fun of spreading nasty things about you is to see you getting upset. If you respond by writing angry emails, the kids who wrote them will have a great time and want to do it even more. However, if it doesn’t bother you, then the kids will not have as much fun and are more likely to leave you alone.
4. Dealing with cyberbullying is similar to dealing with rumors. The “Magic Response” to rumors is, “Do you believe it?” (See the chapter on rumors in How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying.)
You can’t stop people from believing what they want to believe. People know that not everything that is written in emails and IMs are true. Don’t you recognize nonsense when you read it? Well, so do other kids. So you don’t have to worry that they will believe the nasty things written about you. However, if you try to convince them not to believe the stuff that’s going around about you, you look foolish and automatically lose. And you can be sure the nastiness will continue.
The solution is to give people “Freedom of Speech”. Take the attitude: “Kids can say or write whatever they want about me and it’s perfectly okay.” If kids tell you about the mean things they read about you, ask them, “Do you believe it?” If they say, “No”, you can answer, “Good”, and you win. If they say, “Yes,” answer, “You can believe it if you want,” and you also win. The kids will admire you for not letting anything bother you. It will be no fun to pick on you so they will eventually leave you alone. [Note for adults: If you object that Freedom of Speech does not cover slander and libel, read #8 below.]
5. Don’t try to get kids in trouble for cyberbullying. If you tell the school or the police on them, they will hate you and want to be even meaner to you. Furthermore, getting them in trouble would be against the Golden Rule – “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” What would you rather have someone do to you: 1) Write something mean about you to other kids, or 2) Get you in trouble with the school or the police? Of course you’d prefer the first. One of the meanest things you can do to people is to get them in trouble with the authorities. Therefore, if you get kids in trouble for cyberbullying, what you are doing to them is much worse than what they did to you. Just because they did something mean to you, it doesn’t make it right to be even meaner to them. When people are mean to you, talk to them directly, without anger. They will like and respect you much more than if you go to the authorities.
If people are making serious threats against you, and you think they are actually planning to harm you, that is a different matter. Then you should tell your parents or the school, or go to the police if necessary. But if you are reasonably sure they don’t intend to carry out their threats, it’s best not to pay attention to them.
6. There’s an old saying, “Bad publicity is better than no publicity.” Have you ever stood in line at a supermarket? Have you noticed the magazines at the checkout counter? They are full of nasty stuff about famous people, or “celebrities.” And these things are often true! How can celebrities stand it when their pictures, along with nasty stories about them and their families, are in every supermarket in the country? And you know who gets made fun of the most? The President! Newspapers, magazines and TV shows are always criticizing him. How does the President handle it?
The simple truth is that the more famous and powerful you are the more people are going to want to make fun of you. So if other kids are spreading mean things about you, tell yourself they are giving you free publicity and helping to make you famous. Remember, when kids read mean things about you on the Internet, it’s not like they’re reading it in a newspaper. They know that a lot of the nasty stuff is nonsense. So don’t worry that they’ll all believe it.
7. There’s always a chance that kids are bullying you over the Internet because they are mad at you. It’s a good idea to ask the kids writing the nasty stuff, “Are you mad at me?” If they answer, “Yes,” ask them why. If they tell you, discuss the matter with them – without anger - and apologize if it seems right to do so. If they are not mad at you, they may realize they have no good reason to be so mean and will stop. If they continue to do it, you might then ask them why they are doing it if they are not mad at you. If they still don’t stop, let them do it all they want and show them it is perfectly okay with you.
8. You may be really upset because they are “destroying your reputation.” Destroying the reputation of adults can cause serious, real-life harm to them. For instance, it can hurt their ability to get a job or a marriage partner. The crimes of slander and libel are not protected by Freedom of Speech, and adults can take people to court for doing it to them. You may feel like doing so, too. However, if you’re a kid, it’s usually not the same as with adults. You don’t have much of a “reputation” to be destroyed and the cyberbullying isn’t going to affect your life in a real way, other than hurting your feelings and getting kids to laugh about you. If you take the opportunity to show that it doesn’t bother you because you know it’s nonsense, people will respect you and you will even come out a winner in the situation. It’s different, though, if, for instance, your school principal wants to expel you because she believes the mean things that are being written about you. Then you do have a good reason to fight the cyberbullying.
9. Respond with humor. This is possibly the best way to win and get people to like you and respect you.
Most people, including adults, aren't aware of what humor is about. Humor is not nice. Humor involves making people look bad. If you are not sure about this, pay attention to the comedy shows you like. You will discover that it's only funny when people look stupid, clumsy or miserable. Do other kids laugh about the nasty things written about you over the Internet? It's because they are making you look bad. You can choose to get upset about it. This will make you look like an even bigger fool and they will laugh even more at you. Or you can take it as a joke and add your own jokes about it. Then people will see that they can't upset you, and that you don't take yourself so seriously that you can't laugh about yourself.
For instance, if kids write that you wet your bed at night, you can say, "No I don't. I sleep in the bathtub so that I won't have to change any sheets!" If they say that you slept with the football team, you can say that your dog did, too. If they pass around a doctored-up picture of you, you can respond, "I just got plastic surgery. Isn't it great!"
10.The last rule is to be nice to others over the Internet. Can you expect others to write only nice things about you if you write nasty things about others? Even if they are nasty first, it doesn’t make it right to be nasty back. Being nice to others is the best guarantee that people will be nice to you.
Toilet Paper Recommendation: Charmin Ultra
No, this is not a joke. Yes, I am recommending a brand of toilet paper.
Once in a blue moon, I come across a product or service that is so wonderful that I feel I have to recommend it to my readers even though it has nothing to do with the subject of bullying. And Charmin Ultra is one of those.
Like most of you, I have been using toilet paper my whole life. The problem with some brands is that they are too thin, too abrasive, or don’t wipe too well. Charmin Ultra is like wiping with soft, smooth cloth. It does not fall apart easily so you don’t ever soil your fingers. I don’t know about the price compared to other brands since my wife, Miriam, does most of our household shopping, though I would guess it’s a bit more expensive. However, I would bet that in the long run it is cheaper to use because you need less sheets to do a good job of wiping. So do you and your family a favor. Buy Charmin Ultra.
“Izzy must be getting paid by Charmin for plugging their toilet paper,” you may be thinking. If only this were true. I have no ulterior motives here other than your personal benefit. However, if you want to contact Charmin about my endorsement and ask them to pay me, I will not object.
Movie Recommendation: Ushpizin
Ushpizin (2004, Giddi Dar) is an Israeli movie in Hebrew with English subtitles, so be forewarned in case you can’t stand reading subtitles. It is a morality tale that takes place in the insular ultra-Orthodox Jewish neighborhood called Meah Shearim (translation: One Hundred Gates) in Jerusalem. You don’t have to be Jewish to like the film; the message is universal. And it has an additional anthropological benefit in that it gives you an insider’s look into a world that many people find strange but few people are privy to. Personally, I am familiar with this culture so I had no difficulty understanding the details, but if you aren’t, you will get some exposure to and understanding of some traditional Jewish practices and thought. So I would like to invite you to get a nice peek into a subsection of my own ethnic group.
What the movie is really about, and why it is of such interest to me, is that it shows the power of the Golden Rule, though that rule is never mentioned by name in the movie. The Golden Rule can be extremely hard to practice, and this story demonstrates this so clearly. A couple of the sub-themes of the movie are 1) the importance of anger control and 2) preventing people from getting in trouble with the authorities/police. Ushpizin presents my Bullies to Buddies rules nicely, so I give it my whole-hearted recommendation.
email: izzy@bullies2buddies.com
voice: (718) 983-1333
web: http://www.bullies2buddies.com
